


A Passing Blur

by Overturned_Decent



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: ;)))), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst??, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Evan centric, Fluff, Heidi is a saint, I've got such a weird writing style, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Tree bros- relationship, also lots of strands of dialogue, and also happy!!! sometimes!!!, and also i like writing Real stuff, and tbh the others too, because hey: PEOPLE HAVE LIVES OUTSIDE OF THEIR FRIENDS!!!!!!!, connor and evan take so long to actually become friends boys why, dear evan hansen - Freeform, do i need to tag swearing??, even if that includes evan going grocery shopping by himself on a sunday night, i focus A LOT on evans personal life, i mean yeah probably, id love to get better, if you have constructive criticism please tell me!!, im so bad at tagging wow, its going to be sad a lot, its gonna get worse before it gets better, like those two things are exact opposites, me instantly: okay!!! :DDD, me to me: write a zoe murphy chapter that really has nothing to do with the main plot, me: my story is evan centric :), not gonna be any nsfw, outside of his relationships with his friends n stuff, the kids are not good at talking to each other, the literal slowest burn, there may be a surprise connor pov though, theres swearing, very description heavy, wow how do i tag this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2018-11-09 16:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 66,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11108349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Overturned_Decent/pseuds/Overturned_Decent
Summary: Evan didn't mean to let his mental health get so dodgy.Evan didn't mean to let his letter give the impression that he wasn't doing all that well.Evan didn't mean to let Connor read aforementioned letter.And he sure as hell didn't mean for them to become friends.But it is what it is, as they say, and if there are bumps along the way, they'll soon seem no more than a passing blur.





	1. And We All Fall Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!! So this is my first fic (on Ao3), so i hope you enjoy!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING  
> Suicide ideation, body issues, intrusive thoughts, blood, detailed suicide attempt

Evan Hansen felt weirdly calm. Except, that couldn't be right, because Evan Hansen was  **_never_ ** calm. He always felt some uncomfortable combination of fidgety, nervous, and apprehensive. Him feeling this relaxed, especially considering the specific set of circumstances, seemed absurd. 

 

Evan glanced down, and at this particular moment, “down” was about thirty or so feet below him. His fists clenched tighter around the tree branch out of instinct. Though, he knew that if was going to do this, he was doing it right. No mess ups. He couldn’t mess up. 

 

He shook his head. No. He needed to be higher. Thirty feet wasn't enough. After a few weeks or so of interning at the park, he knew that he had the tallest tree, at least in this wing of the park, and he could probably climb another ten feet before the trunk itself wouldn’t able to hold him anymore. 

 

He kept climbing. Evan paused a moment; let his eyes slide over the forest landscape. He was an intern at a national park by the name of Ellison. It had pretty, rolling green fields; massive, wide skies; soft, fluffy looking clouds. It was truly selfish of him to end his life  _ here _ , how he would ruin it for so many people. How could someone be able to enjoy its beauty knowing someone committed  _ suicide _ here?

 

He paused and almost laughed; no one would care if he died, they'd be sad for a bit and get over it. He wasn't ruining anything. He wasn't important enough to ruin anything. Evan let his mind drift from the intrusive thoughts that he for whatever reason allowed into his head, and continued his climb. He’d left his phone and bag at the bottom of the tree, that way no one could convince him to stop.

 

Not that anyone would try. 

 

About five or so minutes later, he was pretty sure he had gotten far enough up. He shifted his weight so that he was sitting; he couldn't see any un-awkward way to do this. Should he just jump off? Although he was technically trying to die, he didn't necessarily want it to hurt. At least, not a lot. He settled on sitting, just easing himself off like he was going down a slide.  _ Maybe it would even be fun.  _

 

Evan took a shaky breath, eyes lingering on sky that seemed to stretch on and on for forever, for a moment more. He wasn’t sure what exactly he was even thinking about, maybe he wasn’t thinking at all. Or maybe he was just so focused on blocking out the awful memories of the night before, that no thoughts were front and center at the moment. Whatever it was, his mind felt complete and utterly blank when he let out a tiny breath, and released his hold on the tree. 

Suddenly, he was falling. The calm he’d felt moments before, very quickly switched to total terror. His hands waved around wildly, clawing onto anything they touched. His fingers  managed to fumble and close around a branch and he felt like rabbit that had just been chased by a hungry dog, or a baby bird, pushed out of the nest before it was ready. Evan swung his head around wildy, eyes swimming with panic. He had no idea how high up he was, how to get down, or what the hell just happened. 

 

It was silent for all of four seconds, before he blinked and then his arm buckled and he was falling, falling, falling. 

 

Evan quickly realized that this was a much shorter distance. He could see the world hurling itself past him. He seemed to be moving a hundred miles per hour, yet all in slow motion, somehow at the same time. 

 

And  _ fuck _ , was Evan not at all at peace anymore. 

 

The sound that escaped his bitten at lips as his left wrist attempted to highfive the earth was not a sound he hoped anyone heard. Ever. Because that would be a whole new level of humiliating. 

 

_ “Oh my God, I heard EVAN HANSEN tried to KILL HIMSELF hahahahahaha! And he sounded like a FROG getting run over by a car when he hit the ground! Hahahahahaha!”  _

 

Evan’s pulse was thundering and although he saw the ground a mere inch beneath him, he felt like he was still falling. He could practically  _ hear _ the wind whistling and screaming past his ears. The pain in his wrist, in his skin, in his muscles were his only other thought, besides the standard “shit im alive that wasn't what i was going for how the hell do i feel about this”. 

 

His teeth clenched, heavy panting set his chest in a rhythmic rising-falling pattern. He stared down into a patch of grass, neck craned above the dirt. His left arm had gone totally numb, save for the wash of agony that seemed to come and go like the waves of Lake Ontario, which bordered his town. Evan made the terribly stupid decision to try and roll onto his side so that he could sit up, and although now he was, in fact, sitting up, the nauseated sort of pain that came with it may not have been such an even trade. 

 

Evan stretched his legs out, relieved to see they didn’t hurt too much. Sure, his shorts were a bit ripped up, and thin, twig induced scratches were beginning to ooze strings of blood, but compared to his  _ arm _ ….

 

He tried to catch his breath, fingers now curling across his elbow and wrist, as if his right arm was automatically trying to protect his left from the injury it had already received. He hopelessly looked to his backpack,  _ his phone _ , which may as well have been a mile away. So, that wasn’t an option. Evan’s therapist had told him that when he felt like he was in the middle of a big problem, he should try and talk himself through it, like a friend. They were currently working on various ways he could get himself to be more positive and logical in anxiety filled situations, and this seemed to be the first of what would become many exercises. 

 

“Okay, Ev-evan, think logic-logically. This is-this is a popu-pop-popular park, um, suh-someone is going to see you, um, fuh-find you...ri-right? Yeah, uh, right. I’ll be-you’ll be fine. Um, okay, so, uh, your arm is prah-probably broke-broken, um….”  _ I’ll sit here and wait. For someone to find me. Yeah. _ He had a plan. 

 

He would be fine. 

  
  
  


Evan wasn't sure how long he was sitting there, but when he managed to drag himself over to where he’d left his phone, he’d been shocked to see it was six pm. He’d started climbing the tree at 4:30. Even worse, he had zero notifications. No one had tried to contact him at all, no one noticed anything out of the ordinary,  **no one had said anything to him on the day he’d tried to** **_kill himself_ ** . 

 

Blinking new tears from his eyes, he began a new plan. This was fine, he’d just walk back to the main building himself. Maybe someone would pity him and give him a ride. That could work. 

 

He stumbled up to his feet, legs wobbling. Releasing the clasp he had around his arm, he slipped the backpack over his shoulder, dropped his phone into his pocket. Shuddering, he began the walk. 

 

He was fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm rewriting a lot of the chapters, and ill be going in order, so this is the first one. so here. also i changed the summary bc i started to hate the old one ooooops


	2. And Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan jumps out of a tree and gets hurt.  
> This Chapter: Evan goes to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there are any errors I'm sorry, I have a 100 degree fever and I feel like crap and I didn't really proofread. Have fun.
> 
> edit 4/22/18: there should't be any errors now, bc like, I've rewritten it now. the fever probably is why i felt like rewriting it so badly

A shrill alarm sound shattered the silence of the early morning. Evan opened his eyes blearily, taking in the loud noise currently screaming out of the speaker on his phone. Stifling a groan, Evan propped himself up with his elbows, albeit a little more gently on his left, as he’d only had the cast for a little less than a month. 

 

Reaching somewhat blindly to his right, he felt his fingers bump against the alarm clock on his bedside table, and he hit the “off” button, not quite shutting it off on his first try and needing to hit again. With that out of the way, Evan rubbed his eyes, sitting up and wincing as the air conditioning seemed to attack his back which had had a warm blanket shield only moments earlier. He reached for his phone, opening up his Instagram while waking up more. 

 

He had about twelve followers, which was...really sad. One was his mom, one was his friend Jared, and the others were all random people in his grade who probably forgot to unfollow him, since his last post was a year ago. Oh yeah, one of them was also Zoe Murphy.

 

_ Zoe.  _

 

Evan had no idea how he felt about her, at this point. He’d had a crush on him all for Sophmore and Junior year, and then Summer was just so…..Horrible, romance had pretty much abandoned him. He’d also started wondering why he’d liked her so much, sure, she was pretty, but he’d said all of four words to her in two years, so….

 

Zoe. Who even knows. 

 

Now feeling slightly more awake, Evan made his way to the bathroom, going onto YouTube and selecting “shuffle” on one of the too many playlists he had. Shrugging his shirt off, he began the tedious task of wrapping his cast in plastic wrap, layering it several times as to make sure no water would get through. He twisted the shower knob, watching the water begin to stream from the nozzle. He placed a few fingers under the spray, waiting patiently for it to heat up, before tugging off the rest of his pajamas and stepping in. He instantly relaxed under the hot, torrent of water. 

 

Some fifteen minutes later, he was out and having a simplified version of an anxiety attack over deciding what to wear. It was the first day, and he wanted to make a good impression, but at the same time, there was no one he’d really be able to impress, because the fact of the matter as that he was a massive loser and pretty much everyone at his school already knew that. 

 

So he just settled on beige colored pants and a blue button up. At least he could impress the teachers, or something. 

 

He brushed his teeth, and combed his hair a little bit, and made sure his backpack had everything in it, and dropped it by his bedroom door. His socked feet made no sound as he walked through the carpeted hallway, the small lounge area by the top of the stairs that his mom mostly just used as an office, past her door, and down the stairs. Reaching the bottom,  he was promptly met with her smiling face, as she packed up her purse at the kitchen counter. 

 

“Oh! Good morning honey!” Heidi Hansen had almost bleached blonde hair, and she wore light green scrubs, meaning she’d probably be leaving for work soon. 

Evan tried to sound enthusiastic. “Morning Mom.”

“So, it’s your first day! You excited yet?”

“Yeah, totally.” 

“Aw, I’m glad. I’m gonna have to run pretty soon, but I mad you you breakfast.” So she knows he actually ate something, probably. “Here you go, sweetie.” 

“Oh eggs, nice, uh, thanks Mom.” Evan said blankly, staring down at the plate that had been loaded onto his hands. His mom wasn’t a bad cook, but nonetheless, any appetite he may have had earlier that morning was gone now. Sitting down at the counter, he forced a couple bites into his mouth (all to aware of his mother’s presence nearby) until he felt like he was going to vomit, so he decided that was probably enough. He brought the plate to the counter, praying his mom wouldn't look at it and turned to go upstairs to brush his teeth. 

 

Suddenly, “Oh, honey, you didn't eat very much.” Evan cringed, backtracking down the stairs to face his mom. 

“Uh- uh yeah, sorry, I’m just- I’m not like, not really hungry? Yeah.” Heidi’s eyebrows were drawn tightly together in a grimace, but she deflated, sighing. 

“Alright, Ev, just promise to eat at lunch today? Please?”

“Um, okay. Yeah? Sure I will.”

“Promise.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He swallowed uncomfortably, “I promise.” She smiled or sort of sad smile, and Evan fidgeted. 

“Okay, thank you. I’m gonna have to head out in a few minutes, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“N-not tonight?” He questioned, already knowing the answer. 

“Sorry bud, promised to cover Jen’s shift. But I’ll be home when you get home from school tomorrow, sound good?”

“Yeah, sure.” His voice was soft. It wasn’t a surprise, not really, he thought as he thumped upstairs, she had to work a lot. As a nurse at the local hospital, it was just a necessary thing. 

 

He was out the door walking to school within the next twenty minutes. School for him started up normally towards the end of August, so the walk to school was warm. Although Heidi had said she would take the city bus to work if he wanted to drive (he did have a license, not that he used it) himself to school, or she could just drop him off, and that would probably need to start happening soon, what with the weather getting colder. But, like, driving made him nervous, and stuff, so.

 

After about fifteen minutes, he was pushing the front door open and entering the howling chaos of his high school. Evan never really knew where to go in the time before first period. He would like to be as far from people as possible, but that wasn't necessarily an option. After standing in the entry way for two solid minutes, Evan decided to just stand awkwardly by his locker, praying he wasn't in anyone's way. 

 

He’d been listening to music on his phone throughout the whole walk, so he didn’t need to worry about untangling them, or any of the other stresses that come with choosing to use earbuds at school. Some of those stresses don’t exactly arise from putting the earbuds  _ in _ , though, more often than not, it’s the fact that anyone could just sneak up on him, and because he was so jumpy, he’d probably get really startled. Which was embarrassing. Obviously. 

 

And lucky for Evan, that had to happen, because why not? Meaning, of course, that Jared Kleinman chose that moment to tap Evan on the shoulder, and, as expected, Evan flinched hard enough that he banged his forehead on the side of his locker. Mourning his injured head (and pride), Evan dutifully unplugged his music, slipping his phone into his pocket to face his friend, who was, at this moment, snickering at him. 

 

“Well, at least you haven’t changed in the least bit. Still jumpy as ever.” Jared smirked, crossing his arms and striking a pose that screamed “I’m Genuinely Unaware Of How Uncool I Look Right Now”. Evan shifted his posture, attempting to make himself look less awkward than he was. 

 

“You-you just surprised me-me, that's all.” 

 

“Well duh, that much was obvious.” He laughed. Evan shut his locker, sliding his backpack around his other shoulder and began to play with one of the straps with his good arm. The movement caught Jared’s attention. 

 

“Yo, what happened to your arm?” He acted as if he’d only just noticed the cast, but that was- that was literally impossible? Jared already knew about it?

 

“I-I already told you-told you, Jared.”

“What? Seriously? When?”

“Um, re-remember? The fourth of July-of July barbeque your mom ha-had. You, um, as-asked about it, uh, then.”

 

“Well _ jeez, Evan _ !” Jared snapped, taking on a more defensive posture by crossing his arms tightly over his chest, almost purposefully concealing the gray camp t-shirt and he wore. “You can't expect me to have a damn perfect memory!” 

 

“Ah, um, I- sorry, I, yeah. Um, so I-I fell, out of this, out of this tree?”

“You fell out of a tree.” 

“Uh, y-yeah? I did.” 

“Oh my God, what are you? Like, a freaking acorn?” Jared’s laugh made a loud, punching sound, and Evan let out a small wheezy laugh.

 

“Uh, ha, yeah. No, but- it’s actually a really-a really fun-nny story. See uh, I fell, out of- out of the tree, right? And um, then- then, um, I was at the bottom of the tree for, like, a- like a hour, or something? Waiting someone to find me? And I, um, kept thinking  _ ‘Now. Uh, th-they're gonna come now-come now.’ _ Haha.” He forced himself to laugh at the joke, because then Jared might, too.

 

He did not. 

 

Jared stared at him blankly. “What's the funny part?”

 

“Oh!” Evan hadn’t realized he’d been dropping his gaze until his head snapped up to attemtp to meet Jared’s eyes, which it didn’t. 

 

“It was uh, that n-no one came. No one ever, um, had show-had shown up, I um, had to-had to walk to the buil-building myself. Um, ha,” Evan nervously laughed again, his fingers twisting around his backpack strap even faster and more aggressively the longer Jared stayed silent. 

 

“Okay....” Jared, no trace of a smile on his face, replied eventually after several moments of excruciating silence. 

 

Evan’s mouth then decided to make the whole situation worse. “And um, it's actually really, uh, fun-funny. When I had-when I had fallen, I'd been, um, climb-climbing for, like, two hours. And when I-when I checked my phone after wait-waiting, just-just on the ground, um,I sa-saw I didn't-didn’t have any, um, notif-notifications! No-no one had, uh,  texted me!” Evan started laughing again and Jared continued staring at him blankly. 

 

“I feel like you're trying to like….. make me feel guilty. Or something. ”

“Oh my gosh, no! I’m-I’m not! You just- you had asked me, and I was-” How was it already falling apart? Class hadn’t even started. “I was just…..um...trying to...uh…” Jared silenced him with a look.

 

“Breath, dude. It’s not a big deal, I just think it’s shitty that you’re blaming me.”

“But I’m-I’m not...though..” Jared shook his head. Evan leaned back against the locker, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. His heart was pumping uncomfortably fast, and his body felt rigid. He really wasn’t trying to blame it on Jared, it wasn’t Jared’s fault at all. Of course, if he really wanted to get Jared off his back he’d have to tell the real story...and well, he just...couldn’t..not yet. Maybe not ever. 

 

Jared’s voice seemed to slice through the air like a sword. “Yo, Connor! I am  _ loving _ that new hair length! Were you going for school shooter chic? Because I can totally see it. It goes with the rest of your ‘creepy pedophile’ fashion sense.” And Evan immediately winced. Jared had a mean streak, if you couldn’t tell. When he wasn’t serving as a source of entertainment for the people he called his “closest friends”, he was teasing and picking on Evan. And anyone else he happened to notice. 

 

Evan opened his eyes, quickly catching onto the scene directly in front of him. Jared to his left, in a practiced sort of cocky, faux-confident pose, and Connor to Evan’s right, looking considerably unhappy. His hair had always been a little longer than the other guys at Evan’s school, but over the Summer, he seemed to have put actual effort into growing it out. And if it wasn’t so ratty, noticeably greasy, and messy, Evan might have thought it looked nice. But it honestly wasn’t doing his already tightly-wound, tense posture and expression any favors. 

 

Jared smirked as a few people around them who had heard laughed, and he waited for a reaction. Connor had stopped walking, but he hadn’t spoken yet. Evan bit at his lip. Jared gave Evan a look that attempted to convey had majorly he had screwed up, but Evan pretended not to notice. He felt about about that seconds later, and awkwardly shuffled to a place behind Jared. 

 

“It was, like, a joke? I was kidding.” Jared paused. “You need to learn to not take shit so seriously, dude.”

 

“Hey, that’s a really good idea, Jared.” Connor snapped, his voice not even containing a hint of thankfulness. “I wish you had given me that incredible advice sooner, then maybe I wouldn’t have had to waste your time by being a dick all the time, right?” 

 

“You said it, not me.” That gained a few more laughs, and Jared enjoyed it for a second, before Connor took a menacing step forwards, which caused Jared to subconsciously step back into Evan, who stumbled back a little. Then Connor kept walking towards them, and Jared seemed unaware that he was practically pushing Evan into a wall. 

 

Jared decided he had spent enough time and worry on this conversation, and made his escape. “Well, glad I could help, Jeffrey  _ Connor _ .” With that, he sidestepped out of Connor’s line of sight, and skittered down the hall. If you had been keeping up with the progression of events, you would realize that this now left Evan backed against a wall or lockers, directly in front of a seething Connor Murphy. 

 

Evan’s body instantly went into it’s fight or flight reflex, and you can probably take a wild guess as to which one it chose.

 

There was nowhere to run however, and so instead, Evan tried to make himself as small as possible, hating his backpack with a  _ passion _ for not letting him be any closer to the wall. He inhaled, swallowed, exhaled, and  _ shit _ . A whimper sort of noise came from his mouth, and he already knew he was dead before Connor spoke. 

 

“What the fuck are  _ you _ laughing at?”  _ Crap. _ “I’m sorry- I wasn’t-” 

 

“You don’t have  _ anything _ to laugh at, you hear me?!”  _ Shit shit  _ “But I-I-I-”

 

“ _ DO YOU HEAR ME?!” shitshitshitshit  _ “I-I’m sorry, I-”

 

“I’m not a fucking freak, you’re a fucking freak, and fucking piece of shit for spending ally our time with a bunch of assholes!” Could Evan’s mouth  _ be _ any less helpful right now? “I’m-I-I-I don’t, I-”

 

“You’re not even shit, you’re-you’re  _ nothing _ .” He hissed, and when he stepped away to storm down the hallway, Evan realized he was huddled in a ball on the floor. He didn’t know how he’d gotten there. Everything felt blurry and unreal, like he could blink and he would be somewhere else. He did blink, but all it did was send a few tears he hadn’t known were there rolling down his cheeks. He sniffled, wiped underneath his eyes, and stood up numbly. The bell rang overhead, and Evan wiped at his face as he walked to class. 

  
He could already tell that this would be a  _ great _ day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but can I just say. That I screamed when I saw people had actually read this? Like. I was so happy. Thanks for kudos/comments and stuff. It warms my heart. 
> 
> There isn't going to be a solid posting schedule, I'm just gonna do it whenever, but since I want these chapters to be longer it may take awhile. 
> 
> You can hmu on tumblr @overcast-skies
> 
> edit// went back, fixed a few things


	3. And Feelings Of Consternation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan goes to school  
> This Chapter: Evan is still at school (and it gets worse)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consternation: feelings of anxiety or dismay, typically at something unexpected.

It wasn’t a great day. It wasn’t  _ bad _ , per say…...it was just...nothing happened. He sat through the rest of his classes, on the verge of a panic attack for the first three, but calming down almost all the way for the rest. He had decided against going to the cafeteria (and eating. He only felt a little guilty thinking about what his mom would say) for lunch, instead just sitting in the library and playing a game on his phone until it died. The bell that signaled the end of the day should have been welcome, however, it rang, and as he stood up to leave, he (very abruptly) remembered The Letters. 

 

Two weeks prior to the start of school, Evan’s therapist, Dr. Sherman, had suggested he try writing letters to himself. At first, Evan had been skeptical. How would writing letters help him with anxiety? Dr. Sherman explained that Evan would write about what each day would be a good day, something about improving his positive thinking skills, yeah, you know, the ones he doesn't have. And now, after about two weeks of that, Evan can safely say that no, no they do not help. They feel like a chore and add absolutely nothing to his confidence, and if anything, Evan just uses them as a venting outlet (a softer vent though, he does still need to turn them into his therapist- he can’t sound like  _ too much _ of a disaster). Not to mention, since the start of summer, this was the fifth assignment he’d gotten to help with positive thinking. Each had worked about as well as the last, which is to say, they didn’t work. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _ he typed. The blinking blue line at the end of the sentence seemed to mock him and how little his brain was working.  _ Fuck you _ , he thought irritably at the line. 

Logistically, he had things he could write about. 

Realistically, he wasn’t writing anything.

 

“Dear Evan Hansen..” He murmured to himself, scanning his brain for something.  _ Well _ , he thought,  _ if all else fails, write a crappy vent and then rewrite it better before your next appointment _ . Evan was mostly satisfied with that plan, so he put it to action. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

 

_  Today isn't going to be a good day. Tomorrow isn't going to be good, and it won't be a good week, month, or year. You know why? Do you know? Probably not, you're too stupid to figure it out. I'll tell you then. It's because you're too annoying, weird, stupid, and awful. You’re so fucking stupid, though, because you don’t seem to realize just how awful you are to be around. You push people away and annoy them and  _ **_no one_ ** _ wants to be around someone that bad. You get paranoid over the stupidest shit and it’s so annoying to listen to you babble about whatever you think will go wrong. _

_  And for just a second, let’s talk about this morning. Like, seriously? What’s your problem? You messed up ONE SIMPLE INTERACTION with Jared, to the point that he assumed you were trying to start stuff with him. How does one screw up that much? And then the whole…..Connor Murphy thing. Amazing how someone can so accurately say every thought you have inside your head without knowing a thing about you.  _

_ Going to end the letter now, because there isn’t anything else I can say that he didn’t already.  _

 

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Your best and closest  _ friend _ ,  _

_ Me _

 

For a few minutes, Evan could pretend that he was talking to someone else. That he wasn't as much of a waste as he really was. And, well, it felt nice. The problem, though, was that it was so much so a vent letter, Evan wasn't sure how he could possibly make it seem the least bit positive. 

Whatever, that'll be a problem for Future Evan. 

 

He debated for a moment over whether or not he should actually print it. He decided he might as well, it could be easier to edit that way. He slid his mouse to the “print” icon and selected one copy. Evan paused, waiting to hear the printer whir to life across the computer lab. After hearing it come on, Evan logged out of the computer, glancing at the time. It was four, so he would need to walk home. Which was fine. He didn’t really care. 

 

He was just about to leave when something caught his eye. A computer screen was left on at a table across the room. He didn’t know why it was bothering him. Maybe it was the years of his teachers yelling at and berating anyone who didn’t log out of their computers. He sighed irritably, and went to turn it off. Reaching the computer, he dragged the mouse to the ‘logout’ button, but froze when he read the name of the student logged in. 

 

Connor Murphy. 

 

Evan’s eyes widened, and it was that exact moment that he heard “What are you doing?” from behind him. 

 

His entire body went into autopilot while his head proceed to scream like it was being stabbed, and Evan unsteadily turned around. 

 

“Um, hi.” Is what he said, which wasn’t even properly answering what Connor had asked, and probably made him look even stupider than he already had. 

“Why are you at my computer?” 

“Huhm, well, it’s like, I was sitting at a comp-computer, and, uh, I was going to leave, and I then I saw thi-this one was still on, and no one els-s-se was here, and so, um, I just, I was going to-going to turn it off, because I didn’t-I didn’t know you were, um, like, sti-still using it?”

“Okay. You can turn it off, I was gonna anyway.” He shrugged, folding his arms across his chest. Evan paused. Faltered. Reset. 

“Right. Okay. Sure.” He answered mechanically, and hyper aware of every move he made, quickly shut off the desktop before jumping back away from it, like it might bite him. 

“Okay, there, I’ll just, I’m going to go and, ye-yeah,” he explained, for no reason, like an idiot. 

“Okay,” Connor said boredly. 

 

Then they went their separate ways. 

 

Ha, if only!   
  


Because Fate liked to watch Evan squirm, as he reached to pull his paper from the printer, it got immediately stuck. 

 

“Oh.” he said out loud, upon realizing his situation. He tugged at it again, only succeeding in crinkling it more. “Oh, okay.” Because of course. This was his luck. He pulled again, heard a rip, and stopped. This was wonderful! Simply perfect! His awful melting pot of inner anxieties was jammed in the printer! It was as if a chorus of angels had come down from the Christian heaven and taken time out of their busy days to  _ personally  _ bless him!

 

He sighed very loudly. 

 

“Do you like, need help?” He heard, once again, from behind him. It wasn't even surprising anymore. Evan was coming to expect this interaction to just Keep On Going, while he continued to get more and more humiliated. 

“Ah,” he turned around. Connor was standing about ten feet or so behind him, eye brows slightly furrowed as if he wasn’t sure what to make of Evan’s pathetic situation. “Well, I mean, if you-you want to, you can, but I’m sure, but I could probably figure it out, like, soon, probably.”

“Right.” Connor nodded. “So do you want me to help you get your paper, or..?”

“Oh! Yeah, that would, that’d be great….” he came to a stop, then started a second or two later. “Thanks.” Connor came up to stand beside Evan, and way too aggressively pushed his hair away from his face. 

“Ah, it looks stuck.”

“Yeah, um, that’s my is-issue.”

“Okay, have you tried pulling it out?” Evan gritted his teeth a little. He almost wanted to say,  _ Maybe if you didn’t always talk down to people, you’d have more friends! _ But instead, Evan said:

“Yes, I have. It started ripping.”

“I guess'll try taking it out.” Connor pulled, and almost as soon as he did, the half that was sticking out tore apart in his hands.

 

“Oh.” Connor said. Evan made a distressed noise. 

“Huh.” Connor said, looking at the paper in his hand like he wasn’t sure what it was. 

“Well, um, okay, I’ll just take that, you don’t-you don’t have to stay here anym-”

“Hold on.” Evan stopped talking, Connor fixed him with an icy look. 

“Um.”

“What the fuck is this?”

“It’s a school project. It’s not-not mine, printing it for someone else.” He answered on reflex, praying the tremor in his voice wasn't as noticeable as he thought it was. Connor’s eyes narrowed. 

“You’re lying.”

“No I’m n-not.” He could feel the palms of his hands sweating. He subconsciously wrapped the right one around his backpack strap. 

“No, you wrote this because you knew I was here, right? And you wanted to piss me off so you could go tell your asshole friends about how crazy I am?” Connor didn’t look especially surprised by this turn of events, like he had a long time ago resigned himself to this being the end of any and all interactions he would have with his peers. Evan, meanwhile, was losing his mind. 

“No, I-I swear, I didn’t even know you were here!”

“Right, and so you just normally print out school projects for your asshole friends where they write about shit I did to you just seven hours ago?”

“Um.”

“You’re fucking awful, Hansen.”

 

He gave Evan a quick look of revulsion, like Evan was some kind of dirty rat/bug/shit hybrid that was on his shoe, before turning on his heel and stalking out of the computer lab. Evan looked at him for a couple seconds, then back at the printer. He sighed very loudly. He stuck his hand into the slat, ripping at the shreds of paper, and grabbing as much as he could. It was ruined and his hand was now darked with several ink stains on his fingertips. He put the papers in his backpack, and walked out of the computer lab. 

 

The hall was empty, and he was about halfway down it, when he froze. Connor Murphy had the other half of his letter, the unruined, completely legible, completely LIFE RUIN-ABLE, half of his letter. Shit. 

 

Now consumed by an overwhelming ocean of terror, he bolted down the hallway. It was after school. There was only one exit nearby. Connor had to be that way. He skidded around a corner just in time to see Connor stalking towards the back exit. 

“Hey, um HEY CONNOR- shit -um, HI, could I please, uh, HAVE THAT BACK?” He cried, pausing to catch his breath after getting the boys attention. 

Connor turned around. “No!” he shouted. “You’re an dick!” Evan groaned, and broke into another sprint. Why was this hall so suddenly long?

The door was opening, Evan’s letter was leaving the building, and Evan was running, currently making possible the stupidest decision he had yet to make in his short life of 17 years and ten (or so) months. He lept up with gazelle-like agilty, and tackled Connor Murphy to the ground. 

“WHAT THE FU- HUH-” 

“GIVE ME MY, um, THING, uh, BACK?” Evan screeched uncertainty, as he knocked Connor onto the pavement. Connor made an angry gasping sound, and fumbled around, but it was to no avail. Evan had been able to pin him face down and seemed to have the upper hand at this moment. 

“What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Connor scrambled around, trying to escape from underneath him, while the shorter boy desperately tried to grab the paper out of Connor’s hand. 

“I just need the-the paper!”

“What the fuck?” Connor gasped, dragging himself out from underneath Evan and scooting away as fast as possible. “What the fuck? What the fuck.” 

Evan panted, sitting up and backing against the shrubbery planted along the concrete, parallel to the bushes on the other side. He noticed Connor had a scrape on his face that was bleeding slightly, and Evan had a similar one on his palm from where he’d tried to break his fall a bit.

 

“I have, like, no coherent thoughts right now. Okay. What?”

Evan shrugged. “It seemed like my-my only option at the-at the moment.”

“Okay, well, it definitely wasn’t.”

“Yeah, um, I still, like, need that back, though?”

“Why? It’s like, really fucking depressing. Did someone seriously write that about you?”

“You read it?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Okay, well, it’s compli-complicated.”

“Wait, shit, did you write it about yourself?”

 

And there it is. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read all the comments last night and replied to some (the ones I could think of a good reply to) and I was sending pictures of them to my friend and I was crying and ahhhahha!! Your comments and kudos make me so happy.  
> So happy. Thanks so much, I'm glad some people actually like this. 
> 
> -Also, over the weekend I got to see Dear Evan Hansen while in New York visiting my cousin! The only cast member not there was Krystolyn, but Im literally in love with Olivia Puckett, so it was okay.  
> But the show was so good???? And now. I have so much merch. Including a hoodie which I will never take off. 
> 
> -I also got to go to the pride parade!! I had to be at the airport that day, so I didn't see it all, but it was awesome and I loved it. 
> 
> -Okay, that's my life, enjoy the chapter.
> 
> -You can hmu on tumblr @overcast-skies 
> 
> P.S  
> Writing the scene where Evan tackled Connor was one of the hardest I've ever laughed at my own writing.
> 
> edit// fixed some errors n stuff


	4. And This Is...Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan is still at school (and it gets worse)  
> This Chapter: Evan thinks Connor is having a mental break down (spoiler alert: he's not)

“It’s real-really none of your-of your business.” Evan forced out coldly. 

“Yeah, but like, it’s a letter, right?”

“It’s a...yeah. I guess.”

“So, is it yours?”

“Um, well, like, no? I don’t think I even know why you wou-would even think that because I-because I don’t, um, write, it’s not even like that. I don’t even write letters, though, so I- you, don’t get it? Do you? Um, because that’s not even mine. See? Uh, it’s not my letter. It’s actually, okay- it’s technically mine, but you don’t understand. It’s not for- it’s not mine? Like, no, that didn’t make sense. Technically- I mean, if you thought about- if you were to, uh, compare? And contrast that, with, um, some of, something- my other, uh, writings? You’d see, er, that it’s totally, um, not even similar? My writing style is very- uh, completely different? You know, like, uh, can I see that?” He was somehow able to take the paper from Connor, and looking at it, he continued. “See, um, if you read this line, uh, it says, you know, this thing. Like, I don’t even write like that? Right, so, it’s not even mine. Like, who writes letters to themselves? That’s so weird, like, I mean, I’m kinda- I mean, I’m weird, but I’m not like, super weird? You know? Like, not weird enough to write, um, letters! To myself, that is! Right? Yeah.” Evan awkwardly let himself relax in a ‘I rest my case’ sort of manner. Connor didn’t seem to understand that, however, because he stared at Evan, eyes squinted, eyebrows creased, and mouth slightly dropped in a look of pure confusion. 

 

“Wait, what?” His face screwed up. “I understood none of that.”

“Right, well uh, pretty much. I just, um, nee-nee-need that back and stuff. Also I didn’t write it. ‘Cause I’m not weird.””

“Okay….” Connor trailed off, looking at the half of the paper in his hand, and then at Evan. “Who wrote it then?”

“Um, my friend.”

“Seriously? Who, Klienman?”

“Uh, well not-not exactly.”

“Then who wrote it?”

“Um, what?”

“Who wrote the letter?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t-don’t think I under-understand your, um, your question,” Evan squirmed under Connor’s harsh, blank stare.

“Who wrote the fucking letter I’m holding in my hand right now, Hansen? Jesus Christ, it’s not that complicated.”

“Oh, you mean, like, who wrote the actual thing?”

“Yes! Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Oh, well, uh, in that case, um, it would, actually, be me. Who wrote it.” Evan sighed. He was such an awful liar. He couldn’t imagine being able to hold a lie for more than five minutes, so it was almost impressive how long he stuck to that one. 

 

“You wrote this.”

“Uh, well, yes. Technically.”

“Oh my  _ fucking God _ .” Connor muttered, dragging a hand tiredly over his face. “Then what was the whole _ fucking point _ of that conversation?”

“Oh, I don’t- I was, um, I was stalling?”

“OKay, wait- stalling? Are you serious?” He started laughing, a look of incredulous surprise on his normally angry face. It was remarkably disturbing to Evan. 

 

“Connor? What are- why are you laughing?” 

Connor pulled his legs into a criss-cross position, and dropped his face into his hands, shoulders trembling slightly with laughter that Evan was unsure the cause of. “Uh.” He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing. “Are you- are you having some kind of mental breakdown?”

 

Connor exhaled very loudly, the random laughter easing away as he said:

“I didn’t realize, that you were such a fucking weirdo, Hansen.” 

“Ah.” Evan said, and tried to pretend like his insides weren’t crumbing like a charred piece of paper in the fireplace. 

“Wait, fuck, that didn’t come out right.”

“Okay,”

“I mean, like, you’re just. I don’t know. You’re just weird? But it’s like, good weird. I think.”

“You think?” Evan said. Connor was struggling. 

“Yeah, I think. I mean, this is literally, what? The fourth time we’ve talked ever?”

“What ab-about elementery and-and middle school?”

“I dunno. I blocked out everything from middle school, so I wouldn’t remember. Weren’t you in Mrs Elle’s class in fifth grade?”

“Uh, yeah. I rem-remember you there.”

“Mhm. You were really bad at kickball.”

Evan sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

 

There was a pause. Connor cleared his throat. 

 

“I guess, yeah, here’s um..this.” He halfheartedly tossed the letter to Evan, who instantly snatched it up. He stared down at the ripped, crinkled paper. 

 

_ ust a second, let’s talk about this morning. Like, seriously? What’s your problem? You me _

_ IMPLE INTERACTION with Jared, to the point that he assumed you were trying to start stu ow does one screw up that much? And then the whole…..Connor Murphy thing. Amazing  _

_ one can so accurately say every thought you have inside your head without knowing a t _

_ nd the letter now, because there isn’t anything else I can say that he didn’t already.  _

 

_ rely,  _

_ nd closest  _ friend _ ,  _

 

Maybe kind of, partially, sort of legible was a better way to describe it.

He swallowed. He folded the paper. He put it in his backpack. 

They sat quietly, staring at the concrete. 

Connor spoke up again:

“So, um, I think I’m going to go home now, uh, it was nice getting thrown to the ground by you?” 

 

Evan felt suddenly very guilty about that.

 

“Um, sorry.”

“S’okay, I don’t really care.”

“I’m still sorry.”

Connor glanced up, eyes narrowed. He looked frustrated.

“Okay, I don’t get you.”

“Wha-what?”

“Why are you acting nice to me? Your friends with Kleinman, and all those other guys who are dicks to me. Why are you being nice all of a sudden?”

 

Evan swallowed. He actually really,  _ really  _ hated this?

“Yeah, okay, um, I don’t really feel like talking about this.” He stood up uncomfortably, eyes already scanning for an escape root. He and Connor did not seem to be on the same page. The other teen stood up, his eyes hardening to narrow, blue flints. 

“Well, I do feel like fucking talking about it!” he snapped, and Evan flinched back. Connor’s figure mirrored the way he’d stood that morning and Evan, horrified, wondered:  _ Does he see me as the same as Jared and his friends? _

 

It was a truly disturbing possibility, and Evan opened his mouth to reply, only to shut it, and then open it again. 

 

“I...I..don’t know what to-to say right now.” 

“Are you fucking with me right now by being nice?”

“Um. No.”

“Why should I believe you?” Evan’s anxiety was starting to steer the ship now. 

“I-I, um, you should, I just, um, I really...I don’t...not...um,” 

Connor’s expression darkened. “This is so shitty. Did they put you up to this?”

“I-, um, I, uh,”

“Can you fucking answer?” Something snapped.

“They don’t even know who I am!” He cried, arms subconsciously wrapping across his chest, his voice sounding strained. “They-they seriously, they don’t even know me-know me, C-Connor, I swear. I-I, I only know- Jared’s the only one who’s actually, um, talk-talked to me before. So-so I really don’t know where you got-got the idea that I was friends with them, be-because I’m, because I’m not, at all. I’m,” he paused to get oxygen in his lungs. “I’m a nobody, Connor, okay? They don’t-we’re not friends. So, um, sorry you thought that.” His eyes dwindled on his shoes a second, before flicking up to gauge Connor’s reaction. 

 

He looked unconvinced. Evan sighed. 

 

“Right. Okay. Sorry. Um, I’ll see you tom- er, well, I’ll see you at school, but we probably won’t talk, but that’s okay, um, it’s not like, it’s no big deal.” He stopped again, then tried again. “Bye,”

 

He had just started his walk into the parking lot, when he heard his name. Looking over his shoulder, he spotted Connor in the exact spot he’d left him at, but now he was poised like he’d shouted, which, judging from the fact that he was the only one there, he probably had. 

 

Evan stopped, faced him. Connor picked up his bag, and awkwardly sped-walked over to Evan. 

 

“So, uh, let’s go talk somewhere.”

“Why?”

“We nobodies have got to stick together, right?”

 

Evan paused. He searched Connor’s face for some sort of joke, but he couldn’t find one. Could it be they were both as paranoid and untrusting as the other? The only difference- Connor was trying. So Evan was going to try to.

 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh this is one of my favorite chapters, probably.
> 
> Hmm on tumblr @overcast-skies 
> 
> Again, your comments and kudos give m life. I self destruct whenever I read a new one.


	5. And That One Obligatory For Forever Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan thinks Connor is having a mental breakdown (Spoiler alert: he's not)  
> This Chapter: Two friend's on a perfect day(te)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Auto correct tried to change "Connor" to "Conner" smh auto correct you fake fan

Evan’s anxiety was skyrocketing at the moment. He was  _ skipping school with Connor Murphy skipping school with Connor Murphy skipping school with Connor Murphy skipping school with Connor Murphy skipping school with Connor Murphy skipping school with Connor Murphy- _

 

“Are you okay?” Connor cast him a side eye from the driver’s seat. “You kinda look like you’re freaking out.”

 

“I’m. Fine.” Evan hissed through clenched teeth. It was true, he was fine. He was totally fine. Not at all thinking about how the teachers are going to notice he’s gone. They’ll get so mad at him. Probably gonna call him out in front of the class tomorrow. His mom will be mad. Probably disown him. No, scratch that. His mom was for sure gonna disown him. 

 

Connor snorted. “She’s not gonna disown you, oh my God.” He said dryly. Oh. Evan hadn’t realized he’d said that outloud. 

 

“Okay, well, what if I get in loads of trouble tomorrow.” Evan asked, deciding it was better to voice his worries rather than have them accidentally slip out. 

 

Connor glanced at him, “Then don’t go back tomorrow either. It’s what I always do. Can’t yell at you if you’re not there. It’s fool proof.”

 

“I can’t skip two days in a row!” Evan shrieked. “My mom would kill me.”

 

Connor shrugged. “You’re the one who asked to come with me, I wouldn’t have brought if you if I knew you’d freak out so damn much.”

 

“I know! I just- I’m sorry, I just really don’t like getting in trouble, I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t need to be sorry? I used to hate it too, I just stopped caring after a while.”

 

Evan was quiet. He glanced out the window, aimlessly picking at his cast. He’d almost forgotten Connor’s name was on there. 

 

“Where are we going?” He asked, turning away from the window to look at Connor.

 

The other boy shrugged. “I dunno. I usually either go home to sleep or hang out in a parking lot or something. It’s really not that exciting.”

 

“Huh.” Evan was silent a moment, thinking. “We could, like, go to a park or something? Sorry, no, thats dumb.”

 

“Kinda.” Connor said, but Evan saw he had a small smile on his face. “What parks even are there?” He asked, taking his eyes off the road a second to shoot a brief look towards Evan. 

 

“Well, there’s Ellison Park. I think that’s about fifteen minutes away? We might need a ticket to get in, but I don’t remember. I interned there over the summer, actually, but because I worked there, I, uh, didn’t need a normal pass to get in, so I’m not sure.” Evan breathed out in a rush. He didn’t know if he even wanted to go to Ellison, though. Sure, he liked it there and was very familiar with it, but the one key memory he has from there was not necessarily a positive one. 

 

“Oh hey,” Connor said suddenly, cutting through the silence. “There was this, like, frickin apple orchard or something that I used to go to as a kid. We could see if it’s still open? It’s not too far from here, I don’t think.” Connor made a left, driving down a thinner road. 

 

“Ok-kay, what if it’s closed, though?” 

 

“We can still go in, doesn’t matter to me.”

 

“Oh, okay. Th-that sounds, uh, alright.” Evan let out a breath, letting himself slowly relax into the seat. This was...this was okay. He’s gotten in actual trouble only once, and it was for turning an assignment in late. He wouldn't get murdered for ditching one day. He’d be okay. He was okay. 

 

After another five to ten minutes of driving, Evan noticed the road they were on had ended and Connor was pulling onto a small half dirt/half grass field. 

 

“So, uh,” Connor cleared his throat, “Do you wanna, like-”

 

“Oh my God!” Evan interrupted, his eyes landing on something in the distance. Turning to Connor with an excited gleam in his eyes, he inquired, “Is that a Pitch Pine?”

 

“A what?” Connor asked, confused, but Evan was already pushing open the car door and starting towards the orchard. 

 

A moment later, Connor was behind him. 

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“I'm seeing if that’s,” he pointed into the distance, “a Pitch Pine.” He answered as if it were the most obvious statement in the world.

 

“Why does that matter?”

 

“I dunno, I-I just like them?”

 

Connor shrugged. “Good enough for me.” A short while later, the two boys stood at the base of a massive evergreen tree. 

 

“How do you know if it’s a Pitch Pine or not?” questioned Connor. 

 

“Its got a few defining features, for instance..” He paused, gazing into the branches and the back down where he examined the trunk, softly murmuring, “It has needles occasionally growing from the trunk itself, which is one of the adaptations it has built in for surviving forest fires.” His eyes scanned the tree, “It also has yellow/green foliage, and when given space to grow it can have a very long, straight trunk, and a symmetrical shape. That’s what made me think this might be one.” He said quietly. 

 

“Oh.” Evan glanced back to look at Connor, to find him staring at Evan. He gave Evan a shaky smile as Evan reached up to break off a bundle of pine needles. 

 

He crossed to Connor to show him, pointing at it. “Pitch Pine needles are in groups of three, a couple inches long, like this.” 

 

“So is this one, then?” Connor asked, looking up from the pine needles in Evan’s hand, to instead meet his eyes. However, Evan was too lost in his thoughts, and his gaze kept flickering around like a moth in a forest fire. 

 

Evan nodded, smiling. “I think so,” his mouth suddenly switched into an embarrassed grimace. “Sorry, you probably didn't care about any of that.”

 

“Well, I’m not obsessed with trees,  but it was nice to see you not as upset as the letter made you seem earlier.” Oh yeah. How had Evan almost totally forgotten about that? About….Connor reading his letter. Knowing all his insecurities. Knowing about….oh god, no, no, no. Knowing about his crush on Zoe. Connor probably knew, or at least could inference that he likes her. Oh no, would that make things weird? Evan really hoped not. 

 

“Mmhm.” He said in response. “You w-want to walk around s-some?” 

 

“Sure.” 

 

Turning away from the tree, the two boys began crossing the field of tall, yellow grass in the hopes of finding a trail of some kind. 

 

After about ten minutes of tripping on holes, wading through the knee high long abandoned field, and Evan being paranoid about getting chiggers, they found a dusty trail. It was no more than three feet across, and it seemed to snake across the field for who knows how far. 

 

Evan tilted his head back, staring into the sky. The sun had begun its evening decent, but was still a good distance from the treetops. 

 

“Wh-what time is it?” Evan asked, shuffling his feet so that he could kick at a pebble. 

 

Connor pulled his phone out, squinting at the screen. “Two thirteen. We’d be in like, fuckin, sixth period by now, or something.”

 

“Okay.” Evan felt himself slipping into a train of thoughts. “Wha...what classes do you have?” He inquired. 

 

“Uh, I’ve got, like, math, english, science, art and then history.” Connor counted them out on his fingers. 

 

“Art? I w-wouldn't have pegged you for an artist.” Evan thought aloud. 

 

Connor snorted. “I'm only in it cause no matter how shitty your art is, the teacher can get mad at you. Easy C, D at least.”

 

“Oh, I hadn't thought about it like that.” Evan said thoughtfully. 

 

“What about you?”

 

“Wh-what?”

 

Connor rolled his eyes. “ ‘Said, what about you? Like, what classes are you in.”

 

“Oh.” Evan furrowed his brow, going over his schedule mentally. “I have, um, english, history, creative writing, math, um, ASL, and um that’s pretty much it. It’s not super interesting but i dunno. A lot of people always seem really confused when I say I’m taking ASL because not a lotof people know the school offers it, and I just thought it’d be interesting, but it kind of is, and I don’t reallyknow why I’m telling you allthis I’msorry.”He ended in a slurred rush when he realized he’d started rambling. It was an old habit he picked up some time in elementary school. Whenever he’d try to tell stories to the other kids, they’d always get bored fairly quickly, so, in order to keep talking to them while they were interested, Evan would talk as quickly as possible in order to finish the story. They also got irritated if he stuttered and stammered, but the more nervous he was, the worse that was, and the more nervous he was, the faster he had to talk so that he was sure they wouldn’t stop listening before he was done. He had grown up assuming that whatever he said, if it was too long, would bore someone quickly, and he ended up slurring everything into one long breath. With the stuttering and the added slurring of words, sometimes it was literally impossible to understand a word that came out of his mouth. With a start, however, Evan realized that that was the first time he’d done the slurring (not the stuttering, he did that constantly) with Connor, and they’d been talking almost all day. 

 

They’d been talking almost all day, and up until then, Evan had forgotten to be worried about the other boy losing interest in him. Weird. 

 

They talked for a long time after that, before falling into a comfortable silence, neither of them trying to break it, just simply enjoying the others company. Evan himself was very deep in thought, going over the events of the day. 

 

He wasn’t sure how he managed to be going for a pleasant walk with Connor Murphy, of all people, but he couldn't say that he minded. Like, at all. In fact, he was...he was having a nice time. So far, he and Connor hadn’t talked about any deep topics, just bits and piece of their personality, getting to know the other, but Evan supposed that’s how most friendships started, save the heavy stuff for later. Not that he cared, though. He found himself learning that the Connor perceived by the school, and for a long time, him as well, was actually incredibly different from the one walking quietly next to him. 

 

For one thing, Connor was surprisingly well read, preferring a lot of older books, and actually some poetry (Evan had tried, and failed, to show how shocked he was by that). That had inevitably sparked the topic of writing between them. Evan had assumed, by Connor’s choice to take creative writing as a class, that he had some interest in it, but what he learned was that it actually rooted quite deep into the other boy. Apparently, Connor was less interested in the “composing of his own stories” and more the figuring out how this author did this thing”. Evan told him that he was in the class to hopefully improve his own abilities and Connor said that despite not having in plans that involved writing, he did want to improve a bit. Evan somehow let it slip that at some point in his future, he wanted to write a book, and Connor had instantly demanded to know all the ideas Evan had had for the plot, which Evan explained reluctantly, but soon found himself talking excitedly about characters and gesturing his hands wildly. 

 

Evan had come to the decision that talking with Connor was possibly the best thing that happened to him in an impossibly long time, and was horribly disappointed at Connor’s sudden declaration of, “Holy shit it’s already five pm.”

 

“Already?” Evan asked, genuinely surprised. He hadn’t realized that much time had gone by.

 

“Yeah, jesus, guess we should head back or something?” Evan nodded, and they turned and began hiking back up the trail. 

 

After what felt like an incredibly long amount of time, they had arrived back at Connor’s car. Sliding into the front seat, Evan noted Connor’s almost pained breathing, whereas Evan hadn't yet broken a sweat. He was reminded of the other boys comment about not being in shape, and Evan was suddenly very glad about all the time he spent walking around at Ellison Park that had apparently given him a strong durability for long walks. 

 

Exhaling, Connor placed his hands on the steering wheel, slowly backing out of the dirt parking lot, and positioning himself back onto the road. 

 

“So,” He began once they were steadily moving. “I guess I’m taking you home or something”

 

“Yeah, I c-can dictate the directions, if you need.”

 

Connor smirked, “Well, it’s not like I know where you live, so that’d probably be a smart decision.” Evan laughed, glancing out the window at the trees whirring past in some sort of passing blur. 

 

“Okay, s-sounds good.” 

 

They were silent a bit while Connor navigated his way out of the less populated more field like area of Irondequoit, Evan taking in the scenery, until he decided to open his mouth and spew bad ideas everywhere.

 

“So, um, would you- I mean, if you want, don’t feel like you have to, cause I’m just asking and if you don't want to it’s, like, it’s one hundred percent fine, but, um, what I, er, what I was going to ask, is- was, uh, if you wanted to, you know, like, um, hang out. More. Also. Tonight. Some? Yeah, uh.” Evan tried to set himself on fire with complete horror at that garbage declaration. There was zero way Connor was going to say yes, especially now after that shit show. 

 

To his complete shock, however, Connor shrugged, saying, “Yeah, sure. Do you have food?”

 

Evan regained his composure. “Um, y-yeah, I think? If not, we-we can just order something, I mean, that’s what I normally do, but I don’t do it that much anyway, I just, um, sometimes, if I, uh, feel, um, up to it. But I should have money left over from the past couple nights, so, we can use that.”

 

“What do you mean from the past couple nights?” Evan winced. Of course he would ask about that. 

 

“I just um, I mean, like, since I didn’t get, uh, anything to eat for dinner, th-those nights, we have it t-to use tonight, I mean.” Evan shifted awkwardly. Connor didn’t seem totally satisfied with that answer, but to Evan’s relief, he didn’t press it. 

 

After a short silence, Connor voiced, “Hey, Evan, could you start dictating now? Cause i have no clue where I’m going right now.”

 

“Oh- oh yeah, sure. Um, a left up here and then…..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. I title dropped. Its about to get real. 
> 
> I spent an hour the other day researching where I think the musical could have taken place and I eventually decided on Irondequoit, a town in Rochester city, in Monroe county, New York state.  
> It's got a park called Ellison Park (one of the main reasons I landed there), an amusement park (i smell a theme park date ;)) ), it's on the southern coast of Lake Ontario (i smell beach dates ;)) ), and it seems like a pretty chill place to live. 
> 
> Hmm on tumblr @overcast-skies 
> 
> IN OTHER NEWS, i got a huge flow of comments after posting chapter four and I replied to all of them and screen-shotted everything and it makes me beyond happy that you guys are enjoying this. Please continue enjoying it. 
> 
> Leave a kudo/comment because I scream when ever I get one
> 
> edit// i changed a couple of the scenes and fixed some writing


	6. And Desultory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Two friends on a perfect day(te).  
> This Chapter: Evan thinks a LOT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao according to google docs, this chapter is nine pages long, so prepare for a big one

Evan fitted his house key into the lock, twisting it, and then pushing the door open. He awkwardly led Connor inside, rushing out an apology. “Sorry, it’s kind of messy, I wasn’t planning on having anyone over, so I didn’t pick up at all, sorry.” 

 

Connor shrugged, glancing around. “It’s no problem. My room looks worse than this, like, constantly, so if anything, I’m used to it.” 

 

“O-okay.” Evan breathed, trying to relax. “So, um, if you are, uh, hungry, I can get us something? We might have leftovers, if not, though, we’ll just, uh, order.”

 

“Okay.” Connor nodded in agreement, but Evan noticed he looked uncomfortable. God, Evan was probably a terrible host. This was such a bad idea. 

 

Evan went into the kitchen, which connected to the living room, so he could still see Connor, and opened the fridge. Connor followed him, and Evan tried to block Connor’s line of sight into the fridge, he didn’t need to know how little food was in there. 

 

“Um, we have, uh, some grapes…” Evan said after pretending to look for a really long time. “And also some leftover Chinese food, so we should, um uh, pr-probably just order?” This was beyond awkward, especially considering the fact that Evan was 0% hungry, and if he had his way, would just give all the food to Connor.

 

“Okay, you said you had money..?” Connor asked, sitting down on one of the barstools at the counter. 

 

“Yeah! It’s um- uh, it’s here, uh-” He scrambled over to dig through a small ceramic dish that had twenty bucks in it. There was at least forty dollars upstairs in his bedroom drawer from other nights that he hadn't gotten anything to eat. 

 

“There's this, and I have, um, s-some more upstairs, if we...if we need it..” He trailed off as he noticed Connor not looking at him. ‘He’s….not listening. Is he? He got bored of you, he’s not interested, he wants to leave and you forced him here, into your pathetic home.’ Evan stared at the crumpled bill in his hand, trying to ignore the sting in his eyes and the pit in his stomach. Why did he think this would last? It never does, why would Connor Murphy be any different? 

 

Evan stifled a disappointed sigh, as he pulled out his phone and began typing in a pizza place, half-heartedly saying, “Pizza’s fine, right..?” 

 

Connor nodded, glancing in Evan’s direction, suddenly seeming to snap out of his thoughts. “Yeah! Yeah, pizza’s uh, pizza’s fine..” 

 

Evan didn’t answer, instead placing his order and staring blankly at the bright screen, even long after finishing the order. Connor clearly was bored of him, it was plain for Evan to see. This time, he was certain he wasn’t overthinking it, like his therapist said he often did. 

 

Heaving another sigh, he stated monotonically, “I’m gonna get some grapes, f-for before the pizza gets here.” 

 

All it took was a glance in the direction of the other boy to show Evan that Connor was lost in thought and hardly paying any attention to what Evan was saying. It was discouraging, to say the least. Evan had really believed that they had some sort of mutual friendship going, but it seemed he had become to hopeful and saw something that wasn't really there. 

 

Evan pulled the plastic bag containing half a bunch of red grapes, quickly rinsing them off in the sink, and dumping them into a bowl. He glumly slunk into the living room, flopping onto the couch with yet another sigh, popping a grape into his mouth. After a moment, Connor got up and sat next to him. In his peripheral vision, Evan saw him, several times, open his mouth to say something, but every time seemingly decide against it. 

 

Evan had fallen into a state of quiet annoyance. He was annoyed with Connor, for getting bored of him, and he was annoyed with himself for doing this to himself. However, those ten minutes of somewhat quiet were instantly shattered when three sharp knocks broke the silence. Evan jumped practically out of his skin, eyes instantly wide, and terror seeping into him. 

 

“Evan? Are you okay? That was the pizza guy, right?” Evan stared blankly ahead, mind racing a mile a minute. How much was the pizza? Like, fifteen something dollars? Which meant that he would not have an exact amount, which meant he’d need change, which meant horrible uncomfortable silence. God, this would be embarrassing. 

 

Evan didn’t answer Connor, instead getting to his feet, leaving the grapes at the coffee table. He slipped the wrinkled twenty from his pocket and shakily crept to the front door. Turning the lock, he opened the door to reveal a black guy who looked about twenty or so, holding a pizza, and a twinge of irritation on his face. Probably cause it took Evan like a minute to answer the door. 

 

“One large cheese pizza with spinach?” Oh, Evan didn’t order spinach. Whatever, it was probably his own mistake, and complaining would be so rude, and it would inconvenience this company so much...better to just keep quiet and nod. Evan nodded, forcing a painful smile onto his face. “Y-yep, uh, ha…”

 

“Your total is gonna be $15.48.” 

 

“Uh, o-okay.. Um, here, uh,” Evan handed the twenty to the pizza boy, who took at it, staring at the Too Much Money, with such Disdain and Annoyance at Evan and Evan hated himself for how awkward he was, and then he panicked because the pizza guy is gonna Hate him and it was getting dark out so the pizza guy would drive in the dark and that wasn't safe and the cars driving nearby seemed just So unusually Loud Loud Loud and Evan was panicking even more and then before he could stop himself he was taking the bill and signing it as fast as possible, snatching the pizza box, and practically Shouting,  _ “keEP THE CHANGE! _ ” And then the door was slamming shut and he was breathing raggedly, trying to slow his mile a minute thoughts. 

 

Wow, that was….that was a lot. 

 

When he had regained a fraction of composure, he inhaled, exhaling again trying to breath properly. Evan stared into the living room down the short hall and could see Connor looking at him with concern etched into his expression. 

 

“Um, that was, uh, I’m sorry.” He muttered, locking his eyes on his feet as he speed-walked back over to the couch, putting the pizza box down and exhaling heavily again as he sat down. 

 

“Don’t worry about it..?” Connor voiced, but the way he said it made it seem like a question and God, Evan probably weirded him out, perfect. 

 

Evan carefully picked up the mostly empty bowl of grapes and began snacking on those again, staring intently on the wall across from him, trying to calm his racing pulse. 

 

He noticed Connor somewhat reluctantly opening up the box and taking out a piece.

 

“You uh, like spinach on pizza?”

 

“No, I, um, don’t.” He replied. 

 

“I don’t follow; why’d you get it if you don’t like it?” He seemed genuinely baffled by it, he was probably hard-core judging Evan, that was to be expected, but honestly Evan just felt so socially Drained, he hardly had the energy to think over everything the other boy did.

 

“I didn’t mean to order it, I probably messed up the order somehow, it wouldn’t be a shock.” Because he can’t do anything right, can he? No, of course not. And it was to be expected, this whole unenjoyable experience was to be expected. Because Evan can’t be happy for too long, no, we can’t have that. Gotta keep his anxiety in check with an uninterested, uncaring Almost Friend, and an irritates pizza guy. What would be better to get Evan feeling so low, he’s practically in hell. And that didn't even feel too far from the truth now, talking with Connor had been so easy, though, emphasis on the ‘had’. All the carefree, nice conversations they had had seemed to be a thing of the past, as now every silence was uncomfortable and Evan felt like he screwed it up more with every breath. 

 

Little did he know, a somewhat similar train of thought was making its rounds in the other boys head as well. 

 

Connor ended up having another slice of pizza after that, Evan continuing on his grapes, no plan to eat more than that, neither knowing what to say, or how to break the silence. 

 

At about nine pm, Connor finally stated an awkward “well, um, thanks for the food and uh, stuff, but I should probably get going. I’d like to not have my parents on my back on only the first day, although that would be a new record.” He finished in a teasing tone. 

 

“That sounds good, I’ll um, see you tomorrow, right?” Evan shifted on the balls of his feet as he opened the door for the taller boy and letting him outside. 

 

Connor nodded, grinning, “Yeah, let’s hope on not getting a repeat of today though, okay?” Although he probably intended for that to refer to him pushing Evan, screaming at Evan, Evan tackling him, and him reading Evan’s innermost insecurities, the anxious boy took it instead as ‘I would rather die then hang out with you again’, referring to their walk in the park and their time at Evan’s afterwards (though Evan would have to agree on not wanting a repeat of the latter). 

 

His shoulders sagged, and gave Connor a weak smile before they exchanged goodbyes and the door was shut, locking Evan in an empty house, with an empty stomach, and an empty feeling heart. 

 

He dragged his feet up the stairs, brushing his teeth and changing into some boxers and a sweatshirt. He switched on the small fan in the corner of his room, plugged his phone in, checked his alarms, and crawled into bed, feeling utterly exhausted. 

 

***

 

He rolled out of bed at five thirty after shutting off his alarm. He wrapped his cast in plastic wrap. He showered, he got dressed, ate some leftover cold pizza, brushed his teeth and began the walk to school. 

 

Although it was only the second day, this was a very similar morning routine to the one had while interning at Ellison Park, and he hated to change a good routine too much. 

 

He arrived at eight twenty three, and was at his locker in two minutes, to wait the next five minutes for the first period bell to ring. 

 

He felt painfully numb, like he was just going through the motions of his life, which was strange, it normally took him about a week to start feeling like this, but sure, let's start early this time. 

 

First, second, third, and fourth period seemed to blow by, he had brought a slice of pizza for lunch (which he spent in the computer lab again). The rest of his classes went by like clockwork, ignoring his teachers and peers intrigued looks and questions about where he was yesterday. In creative writing he looked for Connor, but the other boy never showed. ‘Probably skipping again.’ He thought to himself reproachfully. 

 

Upon arriving at home, he saw his mom's car outside, and he found her at the dining room table on her computer. She looked up at him, smiling brightly, not noticing his emotionless, bland expression. 

 

“Hi honey! How was class?”

 

“S’fine.” He mumbled. 

 

“Glad to hear it! Now, we have your appointment with Dr. Sherman in thirty minutes, so be ready to leave at quarter til.”

 

“Okay.” He said, sighing, as he trudged up the stairs. He flopped onto his bed, face where his feet should be, staring blankly at his closet door. A navy blue jacket hung on the door knob. Everything felt so slow, and bland, and...familiar. He was tired of familiar. Yesterday with Connor, awkward as it was towards the end, was so..different. He didn’t realize how much he craved different. 

 

“Honey! Time to leave!” Heidi called from downstairs, waiting by the door with her purse. She had classes for the rest of the evening, and then a couple hour shift at the hospital, so he wouldn't be seeing her after this until tomorrow morning. 

 

They pulled up in front of the office suite Dr. Sherman worked in. Evan waved goodbye to his mom and entered the waiting room, sinking into a leather arm chair. He closed his eyes, putting in his ear buds, and selected a playlist of Laura Veirs’ songs. He had a few minutes before his appointment and began analyzing his surroundings. It was a something that Dr. Sherman suggested that he try whenever he was feeling like this. Evan stared at the painting of some yellowy/orange flowers against a blue/gray background. He looked at the dark oak coffee table with glass in the center and a spread of magazines on top. He looked at the pale green walls, and the glass door, and the couch across from him, and the chairs his mom said she liked, and the wood floor, and the lamp in the corner of the room. Before he knew it, Dr. Sherman, a stout, pink cheeked, curly haired woman, was standing in the doorway, beckoning him forward. 

 

They entered her office and he took a seat on the right side of the blue couch with two many throw pillows, next to the wicker basket of things to fidget with, to take your mind off of your worries. 

 

She began the session. 

 

“So Evan, how have you been? This was your first week back at school, correct?” 

 

He nodded, “I’m good, and yes it was.”

 

“How is it so far?” She asked, crossing her legs as she relaxed into the plush chair she usually sat in. 

 

“Well, it was bad at first, then good, then not good, and it's still not good.” He admitted. 

 

“And it was only your second day, today?” He nodded. “Oh my, well, can you tell me why it was like that?”

 

“Well, mhm, it first started when I was talking to Jared.” She knew the name of his, at the time, only friend. “He asked about my broken arm, and he said he’d forgotten when I told him about it in July!”

 

“How did you feel when he told you that?”

 

“Well, it hurt a little. Because, I-i remember everything he says, mostly, because he’s the only one I talk to, but that sort of reminded me that I’m-I’m not the only one he talks to, and that I’ll probably never be his first priority.” 

 

“I see. What happened after that?” She prompted. 

 

“After that, J-Jared started making fun of another boy at my school, um, his name is Connor. And well, he was sort of mean to Connor, but then Connor got mad and Jared left me alone with Connor and-and Connor push-pushed me.” He said, feeling his throat tighten a little with emotion. 

 

“Oh no, did you get hurt?”

 

“It didn’t really hurt me, physically, that much, but I was on the verge of a panic attack after that and it took me awhile to work it down.”

 

“Did you use any of the techniques I suggested?” She asked. 

 

“Yeah, actually.” He nodded. “I used the seven/fourteen/seven one, and that helped.” 

 

“Good, good.” She smiled. “What after that?”

 

“Well, it was during lunch, I was working on my letter and-”

 

“Sorry to interrupt, but do you by any chance have that with you?” Yes actually, he had two others besides the one he wrote Monday, but there was no way he was letting anyone else see that.

 

“I-I, um, didn’t like any of my recent ones, so I only have the two I wrote last Wednesday and Thursday.” He handed the two pieces of paper to her, which she added to the file folder with his name on it. 

 

“Perfect; alright, please continue.”

 

“Okay, um, it was during lunch and I was working on a letter, but I didn’t really like it that much and just as I was going go get it, Connor was there and he had it. And he said he was sorry for pushing me and we had, um, a short conversation and then he was going to give it back to me, but he saw Zoe’s name it.”

 

“The girl you have a crush on?”

 

“Yes- well, sort of. I don’t know if I like her a super lot anymore. But he saw Zoe’s name in it, and she’s his little sister, and he got really upset when he saw it, so-so he stormed out and-” Oh god, this would be painful to talk about. “And I sort of chased after him, and kind of tackled him to the ground.”

 

“Oh goodness.” Dr Sherman let out a low whistle. “That doesn’t sound like you, Evan, what do you think happened?”

 

“The-the letter, I wrote that I didn’t like, it was kinda really private and I didn’t want anyone to read it?” She nodded to show she understood, and Evan continued. “I-I talked to him for awhile after that and ended up getting it back. But he was able to read all of it, so now he knew all this really personal stuff about me.”

 

“How did you feel that he knew all of that about you?’ She questioned. 

 

“Uh, um, well,” He furrowed his brow, thinking. “I..I felt, uh, I guess, helpless? Like, he knew all this about me, and I knew hardly anything about him, but he could do anything he wanted with that information. Like, he could tell anyone, he could blackmail me, and I was afraid of what he might do with all of it?”

 

“Hm, well you do tend to overthink things and sometimes assume the worst about people. Do you really think he would do something to you with what he knows from your letter, or would he most likely respect your privacy and try to forget what he read?”

 

“I..I dont know!” He whined. “I didn't really know him at the time, but then we ended up hanging out all afternoon, and we talked a lot then, but then when we went back to my house, we both got quiet, for some reason, and it felt a thousand times more awkward than it had been earlier. I thought we might have been becoming friends, but then he wasn't at school today, and I’m worried I made a bad impression and he hates me.”

 

“Wow, well that’s certainly a lot.” Evan sighed miserably. “Wanna know what I think?” She asked. 

 

“What?” 

 

“I think this is you reading into the situation too much, and coming to a conclusion that probably isn't there. Does Connor have many other friends?”

 

“Well- n-no, he- he doesn't have any, I think.”

 

“Then who would he have to make fun of you with, or blackmail you with? When bullies are mean to people, they like to have an audience. I don’t think Connor would have much of an audience if he were mean to you. It sounds like you two were becoming friends, so I doubt he would want to do something cruel to someone who could become his only friend, don’t you think?”

 

“Yeah..that makes sense.”

 

“That’s what I thought. Next time you see him, why don’t you reach out and try to solidify that friendship, alright?” 

 

“Al-alright.” Evan agreed. 

 

“Well, looks like our time is just about up. Is someone here to get you?”

 

“My mom’s in class, so I’ll be taking the bus.” He answered quietly. 

 

“Okay, be safe. I’ll see you next week!” She said cheerfully.

 

“See you next week..” He left the room, the noise machine filling his ears as he pushed open the door and began the half mile trek to the nearest bus stop. 

 

***

 

The week went by in a blur, Connor not once making his presence visible to Evan. The talk with Dr Sherman certainly helped, and he was still completing letters (he had more to write about with school back in session), but he retained the same empty, blank feeling throughout the week. 

 

Sunday night was soon upon him, and Evan found himself on the city bus, two reusable shopping bags on his bad arm and his wallet currently being crushed in his good-arm-palm as he was driven to a Krogers. His mom was currently working, and though she felt guilty about it because of his anxiety, she often had to have him run a lot of the errands for the two of them. 

 

The bus came to a screeching halt, and Evan carefully pressed the button by his seat to open the doors. He stood up, staring straight ahead as he stopped in front of the bus driver to pay for the ride, and then scrambling down the stairs to dismount the silver bus.

 

He quickly walked across the parking lot. It was eight thirty, but the sun already had mostly sunk below the horizon, leaving the sky an ombre of inky black, indigo, cerulean, teal, and a greenish yellow. The next bus would be there at nine forty five, so he had approximately seventy five minutes to shop and be at the bus stop. He entered the automatic doors and paused to pull out his phone again, so he could check his grocery list.  He checked his wallet again; he was positive he had enough money; the fifteen dollars Heidi had given him for the trip, plus the forty he’d had stashed away from dinners.

 

First on the list was bread, and he turned down aisle 14; the grains section. He picked out a cheap package and dropped it into his cart. He pushed it down to the dairy section, where he got milk, cheese, butter, and some yogurts he and Heidi would share as rushed meals. A little further down in the refrigerated section was the juices, and he picked out a small bottle of orange juice. By the time he was in checkout, he’d added some chicken, carrots, celery, peanut butter, jelly, mayo, apples, bananas, and apple cider. He made no conversation with the clerk, instead passing them the money and being beyond relieved when it ended up being enough. He loaded the foodstuffs that would last him and his mother the next week and a half, hopefully at the least, into the shopping bags he’d brought. Dropping both bags onto his right arm, he places his wallet in with them, which had his house key on a loop, and he fished his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Nine thirty seven. He walked as fast as he could, though it was slower with the two heavy bags, and was at the bus stop with a minute to spare.( The bus ended up being about five minutes late, but Evan was the only one at the stop, so it had given him some time to breath and think.)

 

The sky was fully dark now, and the street light about twenty paces to the left cast a sepia like yellow-aura onto everything. It made him feel like he was in another dimension, as if time had slowed down and nothing could happen to him here. He slouched in the metal bench, bags by his feet, staring across the street. There was a medium sized field there, it had a few trees and was a part of a farm. During the day, there would be cows grazing, but since it was dark out, they were most likely in a safer, enclosed space. 

 

The bus pulled up in front of him, he boarded. He took a seat. Ten minutes later, they were at the stop closest to his house. He pressed the button to open the doors, walked down the aisle, payed the bus driver for the ride, and began the quarter mile walk home. 

 

He unlocked his door, put the groceries away, double checked his backpack was set for the next day, and he got ready for bed. However, actually falling asleep was much harder. 

 

He was lost in his thoughts, going over the countless routines, plans, and organized situations he had. Everything felt safe, he knew what to expect. This was his routine, and he didn’t like it changing, and although he didn’t like when it stayed the same for too long, he would hate for anything about it to change, because he adored the simplicity and ease it presented. It was something that didn't change, a normality he could practically hold in his hand. 

 

But that still didn’t mean that something different wasn't exciting, wasn't something he longed for constantly. 

 

He liked his routines, but he adored when something could show up and change things. Even if it wasn't much, it still seemed to shake up Evan’s normality, and in the moment of self-awareness, Evan could see that was a good thing, a healthy thing. But what had sparked all of this? The thoughts of his routines, of the sameness of everything he did, the normality of it all. Well, it didn't take a genius to realize, it was Connor Murphy. Somehow, that long haired boy had rooted himself in the back of Evan’s mind. It might have been the (mostly) full attention he gave Evan (almost) all the time. It might have been the fact that Connor seemed to be in a fairly similar rut to Evan. Neither boy was moving forward, and though Evan couldn't speak for Connor, he personally wasn't moving backward either. He wasn't getting more anxious, more depressed, so to speak, but he wasn't getting any better. Except. He had. The afternoon he spent with Connor, well, he’d been mostly better then. He didn’t second guess himself for the most part, he hadn't constantly assumed Connor didn't care about him, and he had genuinely enjoyed himself and felt happy. Something about that boy made Evan...better. Which was something Evan could not say he was very often. 

  
And that was what Evan fell asleep to: thoughts of his routine, change,  **and Connor Murphy.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall?? I wrote nine pages. All of this, according to Google Docs, is nine freaking pages long. I wrote the whole thing in one night. I'm pretty sure that's the most I've ever written at one time. I was in a two week or so long writers block, and then I sat down at my computer, and I stg the ending was like the easiest i've ever written. I hardly thought about what i was writing because i already seemed to know what to say, even though it felt like i was making it up on the spot, which is mostly how i write. It was like, usually when i write i reach for the words and i sort of have to feel around for them, search for them. But this time, they were just already there. I didn't feel like i was even the one writing it, it felt like someone was telling me what to say, just handing me the words. I don't know guys, but it was like, the best feeling ever. The song July Flame by Laura Veirs was definitely a big inspo mood though, played that the whole time i wrote. 
> 
> Ive got chapter seven and part of eight prewritten, so maybe i can finally get a hold of the plot
> 
> And thanks so much for 1k hits!! I wasn't expecting it at all, but it makes me so happy people like this, i feel like it's my baby now lol
> 
> Anywho, the grocery shopping and therapy session scenes may seem a bit slow, but i thought the fic needed some slice of life, and it was just so easy to write, and evans whole issue with routine is something i deal with a lot, so.
> 
> Hmu on tumblr @overcast-skies 
> 
> comments/kudos brighten up my day, greatly appreciate those
> 
> This may be my new favorite chapter, sorry C4
> 
> edit// i fixed some stuff here


	7. And A Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan thinks a LOT.  
> This Chapter: Imagine you're Evan. As he is someone with anxiety, think about what his worst nightmare could be. Got it? It's this chapter. Have fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: gay slurs, bullying, heavy description of panic attacks, public humiliation  
> I think thats it. Read with caution ill put a short summary of what happened at the end. <3
> 
> Also, if anyone knows how to do bold/italics on your stories on a03 please tell me ahh
> 
> edit// I'm going through n fixing stuff, including re-editing everything now with rich text

Evan’s fingers tapped away on the keyboard, eyes flickering from the keys, to the screen, to the clock, to make sure he would have enough time before the bell rang for fifth period. 

 

_...and anyway, you've been feeling better recently? Which is really good, so if you can keep doing whatever is making you feel more in control, you should definitely, keep doing that thing, that is. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Your best and dearest friend, _

_ Me _

 

He clicked print, satisfied with the letter and grabbed his stuff, hurrying to meet the paper as it exited the printer. He didn't like to chance someone getting there first these days. 

 

It was the fourth week of school and classes were in full swing. Evan was gradually getting in pretty good shape from track, and he was getting straight A’s in almost all his classes (screw you, math). 

 

He’d also been doing quite well mentally, as stated in his letter. He wasn’t sure what changed, but that Sunday night a few weeks ago, it felt like some flip was switched, and what his brain used to call  _ ‘boring routines’ _ started being known as _ ‘things you are in control of’ _ . Evan told Dr Sherman about it and she was thrilled for him. She encouraged him to keep thinking of it like that and, instead of thinking of the things he can't control, he should focus on the things he can. She also suggested he make a list of all things he’s in charge of and make a goal each week to try and add something new to it. 

 

It was Thursday, and this weeks goal was to get in control of his sleeping pattern. He was going to attempt to go to bed earlier (Dr Sherman suggested nine or ten, which paled in comparison to his usual midnight or one) and he was going to try as hard as possible to let himself sleep in a bit later in the morning. Now his alarm was set to five fifty instead of thirty. 

 

However, he still had one thing that was weighing down the back of his mind. Connor Murphy was back at school the Monday of the second week at school,a nd he stayed all week, but not once did he make an attempt to talk to Evan. He looked exhausted from what Evan saw in creative writing and in the halls. Once, Evan had tried to catch him after class, but he had been completely ignored by the taller teen. He didn’t try to talk to Connor after that.

 

When he told Dr Sherman about the encounter, she suggested he focus more on what could be going on in Connor’s personal life that could make him ignore Evan and less on what Evan may have done to bother the other boy. 

 

Evan tried, but he couldn't help but feel like he did something wrong. He had honestly thought that after that first day, maybe, just maybe, they could become...friends. But he tried to forget about that; it was  **stupid** and  **unrealistic** , as if anyone would want to spend more time with Evan than what was necessary. 

 

That was something he thought about often, but today it was pushed to the back of his mind. He exited the computer lab in pleasant mood and started on his way to math as the bell rang. 

 

He was good. 

 

***

He was  _ not _ good, he was  _ so _ not good. Pressing the back of his palm against his tightly squeezed shut eyes, he attempted to stop the tears that were already pouring down his face and soaking into the collar of his shirt. He pushed past a group of girls, harder than he intended, but they moved still and he once again had a clear line of sight. He made it to the stairs, which he took two at a time. The bathroom at the end of J Hall on the second floor was almost always empty, and that was his current destination.

Flashbacks of the scene that had just played out were currently being repressed, but he knew, as soon as he was alone, alone with himself, alone with his thoughts, they would all come hurdling back, ready to knock him back down. 

Why? Why now, why now when he was doing so well, when he was happy,and more confident, and when he felt more in control? Just an hour ago he’d been fine, happily typing about why it was a good day, and if he kept doing better he’d be perfect. 

Perfect. Perfect that now, of all times, and God, he’d had to include Connor in it…

He skidded around a corner, racing down to the bathroom, flinging the door open, shooting a fleeting look behind, completely unsurprised that no one had followed him to if he was alright.  _ ‘And why would they,’ _ he thought bitterly as the door shut and he dropped has bag on the floor before doing so himself and leaning against the wall.  _ ‘Why would they care, Jared doesn't care, Jared left. Connor doesn't care, he just..he just was there. Maybe he liked getting attention’. _ Whatever it was though, Evan could no longer see straight as the room seemed to be too dark and too bright together, the walls and floors were moving around and he wasn't sure if he was even breathing. A fresh wave of tears washed over him as he crumpled into a ball on the dirty tile floor. Everyone was whispering, looking, getting closer. Were they in the bathroom too? Or was he just imagining it? His heart raced faster than he knew possible, he was drenched in sweat, his eyes burned, a headache throbbed against his skull, his hands shook, and he found himself thinking, _ ‘Did I remember to take my meds this morning?’ _ , but was unable to remember, as he was soon drowning in his own memories...

Evan smiled happily as the bell rang, and he began to put his math notebook into his bag. His least favorite class was over, and now he had a free period to study for his test the next day and work on some homework. He stood up and and started walking down the hall towards the library, planning out how he would make use of his time. 

He was not, however, planning on running into Jay Mathews. Jay  was on the school's wrestling team, and in the math club. You would think that would make him nicer to the nerds and losers [read: Evan], but no, it just made him really tough AND really smart. A  _ great _ combination. 

“Hey, Hansen.” Evan instantly froze in his tracks. “Where do you think you're going?”

“Um-um-um the-thelibrary?” He cursed himself for stuttering and slurring again. No matter how much happier he was, it didn't seem to help how anxious and nervous he got when he had to talk with people; though, that was probably his major social anxiety disorder, though. 

Jay laughed harshly. “Yeah, _ no _ .” 

Something twisted in Evan’s gut. He glanced around him, there was fairly large amount of students still in the hall, as the bell for sixth period still hadn't rung. 

“Wha-what do yo-youmean?” He whispered. 

“God, could you speak up?” Jay gave Evan a shove, which sent him stumbling forward. 

“Jay, cut it out.”

“The hell you think you're doing, Kleinman?” Oh yeah, Jay was one of the jerks that Jared sometimes hung out with, something about ‘getting an in with the popular crowd.’ 

Evan glanced over his shoulder, to see standing towards the front of a crowd of people who had started to circle Evan and Jay. Wait. Circle them. Evan glanced all around himself, hunching his shoulders, and feeling his breathing get harsher to see a ring seemed to be forming around him. Oh god, that was not not not good. 

“I’m telling you to stop. It was funny last year when you messed with Ev- with Hansen, but c’mon man, we’re almost eighteen. Let’s grow up.”  A few people murmured in agreement, but no one made any move to leave.  _ It was funny last year it was funny last it was funny it was funny it was- _

“Shut your mouth, Kleinman, or you’re next.” A chorus of “oooooh”’s filled the hall. 

“I’m not gonna stop you or anything, I’m just sayin, be mature.” Jared shrugged, turning away and walking down the hall, leaving Evan. 

_ ‘I’m not gonna stop you’ _ . Jared literally did not care about Evan whatsoever. That..that hurt. A lot.

However, Jared’s words did seem to affect the crowd some, as it dispersed. And then immediately reformed as a new face entered the ring.

“Connor fucking Murphy, to what do we owe the pleasure?” Jay smirked sarcastically. Some people laughed. Evan started mentally going over the crowd, planning an escape route. He didn't care how, he was not going to stay here any longer than necessary. 

“Leave him alone, Jay.” Connor pushed a strand of hair behind his ear, adjusting his posture. 

“Whatcha gonna do? Shoot up the school with your ‘magic princess powers’? Fuckin girl.” Jay barked out laughter and large amounts of the crowd laughed too. Evan didn't remember the bell between fifth and sixth period taking so long before. 

“Ha ha. That's really funny, Jay. You're truly a comedian.” Connor deadpanned, sticking his hands into the pocket of his hoodie, radiating confidence. Whereas, Evan’s posture currently resembled that of a candy cane, and his arms were tucked so close to his chest he could feel his heartbeat right next to where his wrist pulse was. 

“Don't talk to me like that, fag.” Jay hissed. Connor glared and stood with a a look that Evan read as ‘Touch me or the other one and i won’t care if i make half the rumors there are about me come true’. Something about it made Evan feel safe, but he was also scared past his worst nightmare, to the point where he actually could not move, so it didn't provide too much security. 

“Ill talk to you however I want, asshole. Leave Hasnen alone and we won't have a fucking problem.” Connor took a threatening step forward, and although Jay was tough, he had a reputation to uphold, whereas Connor had literally  **Nothing To Lose** .

“Ha, says the guy who shoved him to the fucking ground on the first day.” Jay smirked as Connor’s expression changed for a second to something unreadable, but it was a glare again before Evan could examine it better. 

“Hansen and I have come to terms with what I did, but I don't see you making any attempt to apologize for being a dick. Oh wait- you still are one, though, so you probably can’t tell.” Connor smirked this time. Evan saw a small hole in the crowd he could probably fit through, it might hurt his cast arm though. 

“‘Come to terms’ the hell does-” Evan’s ears stopped working for a second, as he felt his knees threatened to buckle and a wave of nausea pass over him, as he watched someone take out their phone and start probably recording. There also had to be at least fifty people, all staring staring staring at  _ him _ . He had to get out, he  _ had to get out.  _ “-be a surprise, honestly. Gay School Shooter and a Pathetic Loser. Fitting.” Evans face turned a deep shade of scarlet, as tears pricked at his eyes. “Well, wait, we know you're a fag, but what about, Hansen? Are you a fag too?” He turned to Evan, a cruel look on his face. Evan wasn't sure if it was real or not, but it sounded like the crowd were all whispering his name, and like they were getting closer, making it harder for him to see a way out. There was no way out. He was trapped and they were all looking at him and laughing and whispering and then Connor would leave just like Jared. Was the crowd closing in on him? They definitely were, this was so bad, soon they would be close enough to touch him, he felt like he was drowning.

“I-I-I-” He blanched, searching for something to say, but there was nothing. It was like he was reaching for words, but everywhere his hand touched was empty. “I’m not, I mean, he’s really- wait, er, um, wha-what I mean, um, is-is-is that, uh, that, I- I’m, well you know, it's not, I mean, well, i’m you know, um, str-straig-str-straight, um, is what I mean, you know, um, yeah, I um.” He wanted to rip his hair out; everything was wrong, what he said was wrong, his emotions felt wrong, he felt like he was going to be sick. Oh god, he was going to be sick. 

“Well look at that, Murphy, the pathetic dumbass is so scared he can't even talk. Scared of being killed by the school shooter, Hansen?” Everything in Evan’s brain screamed to  **RUN** , but he couldn't, he couldn't move, he felt sick. The room was spinning, everything felt dark, and he was going to throw up and why hadn't the bell rung yet? 

“I’m-I’m-I’m, I, I’m not- I’m not-not-not, I'm-mean, you-you, uh, well, er, uh-uh-uh, I can't, I mean, i’m sorry, i can't, I can't, I’m sorry.” And with that, Evan’s body suddenly worked again and he had somehow shoved past Jay and bolted past Connor, and through the crowd and thank every fucking god there was for track because he was fast, he was  faster now, he could run faster, and he was finally finally finally away…..

~~

Oh yeah, right, he hadn't actually taken his xanex that day; he remembered thinking  he was doing well enough that he wouldn't need them.

Evan stayed in the exact spot for the next ninety minutes, trying to force oxygen in his lungs, waiting for a few minutes after the bell rang for last period, before getting up, walking down the hall, down the stairs, down another hall, out a door, across the parking lot, and not stopping until he was in his room, door locked, and crying himself into a fitful sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you skipped because of the triggers:  
> basically Evan had been doing a lot better mentally, but that was cut short when a jerk named Jay started bullying and embarrassing Evan in front of a huge crowd of people. Jared tried to get him to stop, but in a very unsympathetic way to Evan and uncaring manor. Connor then stepped in trying to get Jay to stop, but it didn't work and Jay began targeting the both of them, making fun of Connor for how he looked and accusing he and Evan of being gay (even though Connor is). Evan's slow build panic finally snapped, and he bolted from the situation, where he proceeded to have a horrible panic attacks and skip the rest of the day to go home. 
> 
>  
> 
> Hmu on tumblr @overcast-skies
> 
> Your comments and kudos give me life
> 
> Edit: i changed the bully characters name from David to Jay, because after watching Camp Camp, i found it unbelievable for a David to be anything other than Nice and Amazing


	8. And Wheres Evan? (he's at home)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Imagine you're Evan. As he is someone with anxiety, think about what his worst nightmare could be. Got it? It's this chapter. Have fun.  
> This Chapter: Evan feels the definition of not good, but a certain someone makes it a little more enjoyable ;))) have fun guessing who

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wha t

Evan opened his eyes and everything was blurry. A muted “ _ BEEP BEEP BEEP _ ” swam around his head, his entire body feeling like he’d scaled a mountain and then rolled down it in his sleep. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he reached a hand out to grab his phone, to turn off the alarm, only to find it wasn't there. 

 

He heaved himself into a sitting position, muscles sore and aching. He glanced around his room, looking for where his phone/alarm might be, only to realize it was coming from behind him. He shifted his position, facing the left of his bed, now eye to eye with his wall. And backpack. Why had he left that on his bed? Then, all at once, he realized he was still wearing his school clothes from Thursday, and memories flooded back; him racing up to his room, throwing himself in bed, yanking the covers over his head and sobbing himself into an exhaustion induced nap. Which he hadn't woken up from. He glanced towards his bedroom door, thankful that he’d at least taken his shoes before going to bed. What he was  _ not _ thankful for, was his unconscious decision to sleep on his bad arm  _ all night long _ . It hurt like hell. Digging through his bag, he soon produced his phone, shut off the alarm, and let himself fall back onto his bed to read his notifications. 

 

Four texts from his mom:

4:09 p.m/  _ Hi honey, just letting you know I’ll be home around midnight. Try to be asleep by then. Love you! _

5:36 p.m/  _ Just making sure you know to get something to eat for dinner: we have leftover pasta from Tuesday, it should be fine to eat!  _

12:32 a.m/  _ Sweetheart, I’m home now and your door is locked? You didn't answer when I knocked, but I’m trusting that you're asleep. _

5:46 a.m/  _ I’m leaving for work! Have a good day! _

 

He thought for exactly three seconds, before replying with “don't feel good not going”

 

One text from Jared:

4:12 p.m/  _ Yo didnt see you the rest of the day? U good? Srry jay was being a jerk _

 

Evan chose not to reply to that one.

 

And lastly, one Instagram notification. From Zoe Murphy. 

 

@hotdamnitszoe : Hi, its Zoe! My brother, Connor, told me what happened yesterday, and he asked me to see if u were ok. Respond when u get the chance, and I hope ur doing ok! (Idk jay but he seems like an ass :/ )

 

Evan answered that  _ immediately _ . 

 

@evanshansen : Hi Zoe! I’m fine, you and Connor don't have to worry at all. It was unenjoyable at the time, but I’m probably fine now! So you don't have to worry! 

 

It had a lot more typos, due to his shaky hands, but he made sure it was perfect before sending it. 

 

He attempted sleep again, only to be jerked out of it again, by his phone ringing. 

 

The caller ID read “Jared”, and Evan begrudgingly accepted and pressed the phone to his ear. 

 

“Hello?” He answered in a gravelly tone. 

 

“ _ Woah, man, you sound like shit.” _

 

Evan cleared his throat, before replying, “Thank, Jared.”

 

_ “Whatever. You didn’t answer my texts? Where are you? School starts in like two minutes, usually you’re here by now, and right now I have no one to tease.” _

 

“Wow, tragic.” Evan replied, dryly. Clearing his throat again, “But yeah, I’m not going today.”

 

_ “What? Why?” _

 

“I feel really sick.” That wasn't really a lie, some times after Evan’s mental state has been really low, his immune system gets more faulty. 

 

_ “Ugh, why?” _

 

“Um, I don’t know? It’s-it’s probably just a cold.”

 

_ “Yeah, I guess. Well, feel better.” _

“Thank-” The dial tone now in Evan’s ear told him JAred had hung up. Sighing, he glanced at his screen to see a column of  texts from Jared. 

 

From Jared: 

8:22 a.m/  _ Where are u _

8:22 a.m/  _ Where are u _

8:23 a.m/  _ Where are u _

8:23 a.m/  _ Hello _

8:23 a.m/  _ Evan _

8:23 a.m/  _ Dendrophile _

8:24 a.m/  _ Weirdo _

8:24 a.m/  _ Nerd _

8:24 a.m/  _ Loser _

8:24 a.m/  _ Where _

8:25 a.m/  _ Are _

8:25 a.m/  _ U _

8:25 a.m/  _ U _

8:26 a.m/  _ Gtintqitqini _

8:26 a.m/  _ Hello _

8:28 a.m/  _ Henlo *w* where teh hek awr u? XD *yiffs* owo _

8:28 a.m/  _ Fuck u im calling _

 

Evan sighed loudly before clearing the app.

 

Then, much to his surprise, his attention caught on more instagram notifications. 

 

From _ Zoe Murphy _ .

 

@hotdamnitszoe : cool, cool. Glad u feel better. Now that youve replied, mayb connor will stop bugging me lol

 

@evanshansen : haha. Yeah! 

 

He cringed, why had he said it like  _ that _ ? Wait, and why was Connor talking to Zoe about him? 

 

The reply came a minute later. 

 

@hotdamnitszoe : he said to ask if ur gonna be at school tday, im getting major hermione “im not an owl” vibes rn lol

 

@evanshansen : haha. Actually, no, i'm not going today? I must've caught something i guess, ha, because i'm sick or something probably. So yeah, not going today, sorry. 

 

@hotdamnitszoe: aw sorry dude :( feel better!

 

@hotdamnitszoe : also, heres my brothers phone number because i've got class

 

@evanshansen : oh, okay! 

 

@hotdamnitszoe : 585/399/0201 

 

@hotdamnitszoe : k have fun lol 

 

@evanshansen : thanks! 

 

Evan sighed, a blissful smile on his face. How was Zoe just so…...so great? She carried that conversation so easily? Evan had been pretty sure he was over that crush, but  _ wow _ , she was just so  _ nice _ and funny and- 

 

“Wait,  _ Connor _ .” He whispered suddenly, staring up at the screen. She’d given him Connor’s phone number. This would be bad. Does he text now? She had acted like she expected Evan to hold a conversation with Connor himself now. That wasn't a part of his plan.

 

“Okay, um,” Evan muttered, adding the number as a contact. 

 

“Okay. Okay, here goes nothing?” He said to himself, sitting up in bed. He went to messages and began typing. 

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:31 a.m/  _ Hi, is this Connor Murphy? This is Evan Hansen, your sister gave me your phone number? _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:32 a.m/  _ yeah its connor _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:32 a.m/  _ Hasn't the bell rang yet? Its ok if you have to go.  _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:32 a.m/  _ naw, i was gonna skip first anyway _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:33 a.m/  _ Oh okay _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:34 a.m/  _ yeah _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:34 a.m/  _ Cool.  _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:36 a.m/  _ Awesome.  _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:36 a.m/  _ Great.  _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:36 a.m/  _ Exciting. _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:36 a.m/  _ Glorios. _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:38 a.m/  _ okay I can’t think of anymore _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:41 a.m/  _ i have a synonyms website up i could do this literally all day  _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:41 a.m/  _ Haha _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:42 a.m/  _ Wait really? _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:43 a.m/  _ Appealing. Titillating. Lively. Groovy. Far-out. Eye popping. The list goes on _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:43 a.m/  _ Wait hold on _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:44 a.m/  _ Rip roaring _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:44 a.m/  _ tf does that mean _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:44 a.m/  _ It means exciting _

 

From 585/399/0201: 

8:44 a.m/  _ jfc _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:45 a.m/  _ shit zoe just said that shes telling my parents if i don't go to class _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:45 a.m/  _ Woah how'd she know you were skipipng? _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:45 a.m/  _ Skipping** sorry _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:46 a.m/  _ i have no idea actually its kinda creepy, also kinda funny she has 0 faith in me lol _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:47 a.m/  _ ah, okay _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:48 a.m/  _ yeah _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:48 a.m/  _ Anyway, _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:49 a.m/  _ O hyeag youhabet o go, soryr _

 

From 585/399/0201:

8:49 a.m/  _ It's fine dw about it. But yeah bye _

 

To 585/399/0201:

8:50 a.m/  _ bye _

 

‘ _ Okay, that was something.’ _ Evan thought. He carefully set his phone down, hands shaking slightly, before sliding out of bed. He stumbled into the bathroom wrapping his cast and stripping down before stepping into the shower. He felt emotionally exhausted, and he just wanted to sleep, but after sleeping for almost sixteen hours, he just needed to do some basic self care; shower, change clothes, eat, then something else. Sleeping forever doesn't fix everything, he knew that from experience (like after he broke his arm and tried to convince his mom to let him sleep all week). 

 

By the time he was out of the shower and dressed, he felt about fifty percent better. Still sore, exhausted, and drained, but better. His stomach rumbled, but the idea of eating made him want to throw up, so, that probably wouldn't happen. He did however need a change of scenery. 

 

Picking up his laptop and sticking his phone in his pocket, he shuffled down stairs, flopping down on the gray couch, wrapping the blanket, which was generally tossed across the back of said couch, around himself. He selected as how on Netflix, and let himself zone out for the next couple hours. 

 

He must have been dozing off, because when his phone started vibrating on the coffee table next to him, it jolted him awake. He quickly picked it up, to see a phone number he recognized as Connor Murphy’s, displayed across the top. 

 

Inhaling, he pressed it to his ear. “H-hello?’

 

_ “Evan? Yeah, I need a favor.” _

 

“Um, what is it?” Evan sat up more, closing his laptop. 

 

_ “Well, I kind of got suspended and I know as soon as I go home I’m grounded. So I was hoping maybe I could crash at your place for a couple hours? Just to like, emotionally prepare myself for the oncoming shit storm?” _

 

“H-how’d you get suspended?” Evan asked, then froze. “Ohmygod I’m sorry, was that rude? I'm sorry.”

 

_ “No, it’s fine. I, uh, I punched guy..” _

 

“You what?!” Evan burst. “Why did-who-it-are you okay? Are they okay? What- I don't-what?”

 

_ “Slow down,” _ Connor sounded tired. _ “It’s fine. I’m fine. Don't worry, just answer the question.” _ __  
  


_ Right _ . “Um, y-yeah, of course you can come over. Um, yeah. I’ll-I’ll text you my address. Yeah.” Evan shakily stood up, and began tidying up a bit. 

 

_ “Okay, thanks Hansen.” _

 

“N-no problem..” Evan whispered. Connor hung up, and Evan typed out his address, sending it to Connor. 

 

_ Okay, Connor Murphy was coming over. Last time he was over, it was….not that great. Even so, this should be interesting.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know its after midnight I'm tired I'm kinda sick and school starts this coming monday
> 
> just. just take it okay, hope you liked it
> 
> hmm on the hell site tm @overcast-skies i literally always put all three, you can figure it out if i just put one
> 
> ahhhhh im! tired. 
> 
> comments and kudos give me joy. idk, I'm just. tired right now
> 
> ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


	9. And An Angry Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last chapter: Evan feels the definition of not good, but a certain someone makes it a little more enjoyable ;))) have fun guessing who  
> this chapter: ugh this connor guy keeps talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see, y'all

 

Connor Murphy didn't know why he did certain things. He didn't know why he got angry at nothing. He didn't know why he ignored the only person who was nice to him for almost a month. 

 

Did he regret avoiding Evan’s eye in the halls, in class? Did he regret pretending he didn't hear Evan call his name? Truthfully, yes. Evan was nice to him. He listened to him. Connor didn't totally hate himself when he had hung out with Evan. 

 

But it was stupid. He didn't want to end up hurting Evan just like he hurt  _ every single person he got close to _ . And, well, he liked Evan. He was like a glimmer of  _ something _ , untainted by the dirty, awfulness of the outside world. Or, well, that was at least was Connor had thought. Then he read the letter he had written and it was….it was like a kick to the gut. He didn't know anything about Evan Hansen, but what he had observed absolutely  **did not** give him any sort of warning for what he read that day. 

 

How could someone seemingly so bright and content feel so horrible? And why did no one else seem to know?! 

 

Long story short: Connor didn't want to add anymore darkness to Evan’s surprisingly not happy mind. 

 

It had the exact opposite effect, because whenever Connor ignored Evan’s voice, he was praying for the other teen to stop, to give up, but when Evan Hansen  _ did _ stop,  _ did _ give up, it just about broke Connor. 

 

So okay, it was stupid. But that was his reasoning; good intentions, bad outcome. 

 

After a while, however, it became easier. Connor found himself dropping back into the same habits as always, with just a bit more time at school, because, God, he just couldn't seem to keep himself from worrying-  **_just a little_ ** -about Evan. 

 

His  _ perfect  _ plan for avoiding Evan went down the drain one warm Thursday. 

 

His plan had actually been to stay at school the whole day, and he was following through with that, making his way to class. Except, now he wasn't. A massive crowd of student blocked off the entire hall. 

 

Groaning internally, Connor had tried to worm his way through, because of course this happens when he tries to be a good student. 

 

He now had a not terrible view of the scene, and that included a fuming Jared Kleinman storming past him while other students nearby chuckled. 

Then, he saw Jay Mathews. 

 

Connor honestly wasn't sure if anyone really liked Jay, personally he thought people were just nice to him because it made them seem cool. And he wouldn't push you in the street right as a bus was driving by  _ as a joke _ . Anyone who had half a brain cell at their school knew that it wouldn't be fun to not be liked by Jay. Connor didn't care one way or another, he hated Jay and everyone he associated with and he would rather his mom catch him having a gay threesom with his ‘druggie friends’ (they weren't really his friends) (but they were definitely druggies) then be  _ friends with Jay _ . 

 

Then, of course, noticing that Evan Hansen - **_fucking Evan Hansen_ ** \- was attempting to fold in on himself like a black hole while Jay towered above him didn't help how Connor viewed the asshole teen. 

 

Connor wasn't sure what came over him, but suddenly he was yelling insults at Jay and getting called a fag. 

 

That encounter basically ended with Evan sprinting away like Usain Bolt, Jay shoving Connor into some lockers, and then everyone leaving to go to class. 

 

Connor went home after that. He ended up asking Zoe to text Evan for him since he didn't know how to contact him, but he did know she was friends with Alana Beck and if Zoe herself didn't have Evan’s number, Alana surely did. 

 

Zoe told him she’d do it later, and why was he even asking her for help, he never talks to her and then now all of a sudden he is, just because he wants something and why doesn't he just eff off. 

 

The following morning, when Zoe had finished showering and Connor was on his way to brush his hair, he asked her if she had texted Evan yet. She rolled her eyes, and said she’d do it later. He told her that there wasn't much later left, and she decided to ignore him, going to her room. He yelled at her to fuck off. 

 

When they sat at the breakfast table, she said she’d texted Evan but he hadn't answered yet. Connor said ‘whatever’. 

 

The entire encounter was a pretty good example of some of the best interactions they had as siblings. 

 

When they arrived at school, the two split off; Zoe to her friends, and Connor to nonchalantly wait near Evan’s locker in the hope of seeing him. No, it’s not creepy, shut up. 

 

He scrolled through Tumblr, twiddling his thumbs around, attempting to look busy. His fake texting was interrupted by real texting, though, from his sister. 

 

Scary. 

 

From Zo

8:22 a.m /  _ he answered. Basically told me not to worry about him like a thousand times in 2 sentences and also said it was “unenjoyable at the time” but hes “fine now” _

 

To Zo

8:22 a.m /  _ whatd you say back?  _

 

From Zo

8:23 a.m /  _ i told him that i was glad he felt better and maybe ud stop b ing so creepy and obsessive now _

 

To Zo:

8:23 a.m /  _ fuck you _

 

From Zo

8:24 a.m /  _ fuck u too.  _

 

He glanced around. Evan still wasn't here.

 

To Zo

8:24 a.m /  _ can you ask him if he came to school today _

 

The reply came in the form of a thumbs up emoji. 

 

A few minutes later he had been sent a screenshot of a text conversation and an extra text from Zoe saying that Connor had to talk by himself now. 

 

The screenshot seemed to have come from the direct messages on Instagram, where Evan said he was staying home sick and Zoe had given him Connor’s phone number. Which was just. Awesome. 

 

Connor glanced down the hall, sighing as the bell rang. He decided to hang out (read: hide) in the bathroom to avoid going to class, when suddenly he felt his phone vibrate. 

 

It was Evan.  _ Okay _ . 

 

They had a not horrible interaction? Connor was surprised, then he realized he’d accidentally texted Evan halfway into first period. Then Zoe told him to go to class, leaving him even more confused and shocked because  _ what? how did she know he wasn't in class? _

 

He shrugged it off, telling her he’d go to second period and she didn't answer. He groaned, because _dammit he’d already ended the conversation with Evan_ _and it'd be weird to text him again._ A fresh wave of confusion washed over him because the idea of talking with someone and not hating himself or the other person after it was just…..it was a foreign concept to him. 

 

He dropped his phone into his bag, fiddling with the pins stuck to the canvas material. 

 

There were six pins, total. One was a large, black one, it was bigger than all his others. It had white type on it, it was a quote, which read, “ _ One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up, instead of what they have to gain.” _ Connor remembered getting it at one of those “We’ll Try To Fix Your Suicidal Kid” camps. Connor was actually pretty sure it was about drug or alcohol addiction, but he still liked it. Three of them, two white and one red, were Mother Mother pins. It happened to be his favorite band, and he had picked them up after seeing them in concert when he was fifteen. The two others, a honey yellow and pale pink, stood out from the rest. The pink one had a flower on it, and the yellow one, a black silhouette of a bee. Both of them had been a birthday present from Zoe. He wasn't sure why, he probably would have hated them if it were from anyone else, but it was just the fact that maybe, just maybe, she sort of  _ did _ see him. She  _ saw _ that he had started collecting pins, and decided to get her trash brother two more for his seventeenth birthday. 

 

It reminded him of when he got her a 20 dollars off coupon for some music store. He remembered seeing the receipts, and the plastic shopping bags, and then the cloth shopping bags, all with the logo for some place called A Song A Day… (yes, there were three dots after the name, beyond cheesy in Connor’s opinion). _ Well, whatever _ , he’d thought, the day before her birthday,  _ it's not too far away, I’ll just get something and be done _ .

 

Connor smiled as he remembered the look of disbelief on her face when she’d opened the gift, then, that  _ smile _ . She had given him a hug, and they didn't fight for the entire rest of the week. 

 

Then, of course, he had to go and scream at her for taking his car, and just like that, the cycle started again. 

 

His smile dropped away. 

  
  
  


Connor was on his way to the cafeteria for lunch, he was planning on  _ maybe _ texting Evan again, just, y’know, see how he was doing. He had just turned onto the hall that would bring him to the Food Place, when a voice caught him off guard. 

 

“What the fuck? Thats fucking disgusting.” Connor stopped, glancing around, looking for who spoke, sort of assuming it was directed towards him (comments along those lines were not uncommon). 

 

Turns out it wasn't, for once. 

 

“Dude, chill the eff out, it's seriously not tha-that big a deal.” Wait. He knew that voice? Connor turned his head to see- yeah, Jared Kleinman He was standing next to some tall, pasty guy, whose hair was blonde and dyed bright orange at the tips. An interesting look, Connor decided. He did, however, store that idea away for later- dying his hair was for sure something he could do to piss his dad off.

 

However, the situation Kleinman and the other guy were in held Connors attention. In order to not look like he was eavesdropping (he  **_so_ ** was, but who’s gonna find that out?), Connor yanked out his earbuds, sticking them in, but didn't start any music. He dropped against the wall about five or so lockers down from them and stared at his blank phone screen. 

 

“Fuck yeah it is, creep.” 

 

“Colin, seriously, I’m not- I just, God, I shouldn't have said anything.”

 

“Fuck no, now I know to stay the hell away from you, fag.” Connor winced, and out of the corner of his eye, saw Kleinman do the same.

 

“Colin, please, I just, I thought we were friends? I thought I could tell you.” 

 

“I’m not gonna be friends with someone who wants to fuck me.”

 

“What? I don't- I never said i did!” 

 

“Sure, Kleinman.” 

 

“Wait, where are you going?” Connor turned his head. They guy -Colin- had started walking off, leaving Jared by the lockers. 

 

“Off to tell everyone how messed up you are.” A look of disgust sat in his expression, and without another word, he turned on his heel, leaving a completely deflated, broken looking Jared Kleinman. 

 

Now, what happened next was kind of fuzzy. 

 

Somehow, Connor had discarded his stuff, and ended up standing in front of Kleinman. He had probably yelled in his face something along the lines of “You're friends with Hansen, right?” 

 

He remembered Jared nodding, a shocked look masking the barely visible hurt in his eyes. Connor had nodded, surging forward like a tidal wave had swept him off his feet and carried him forward. 

 

He didn't remember what he’d said to Colin, only that it ended with the other boy in the nurse and him in the principal's office. 

 

_ I should be with nurse, not him _ , Connor had thought bitterly,  _ I’m not the one who called someone a fag and basically crushed their trust. _

 

He lifted up his phone, checking his face in the reflection of the dark glass. A dark looking bruise had started coloring along his cheekbone and up his eye, his hair matted on one side from where it had been ripped at it. Against his better judgement, Connor smiled, a thin, rye smile, but a proud one nonetheless; as bad as he looked, Colin was definitely worse. 

 

Connor saw the principle enter the room, telling him he would be suspended for the next week, that they didn't go around starting fights at West Irondequoit High, that he would be required to drop his free period and spend that in the counselor's office for a month when he came back. 

 

Connor was sent home. But he didn't go home. He parked a mile away from the school, and he called Evan, praying that it wouldn't go to voicemail. 

 

The boy in question picked up on the fourth ring. 

 

_ “Hello?” _ Answered a sleepy yet alert sounding voice. 

 

“Evan? Yeah, I need a favor.” 

  
  
  
  


Connor sat in his car. It wasn't moving, but then again, neither was he. This was the address Evan had sent him, but he made no move to get up. He checked his bruise in the rearview mirror again; it looked awful, it made his face look yellow and waxy, and the skin was horribly discolored and God, it hurt just as bad as it looked, which said something. 

 

 _Whatever, might as well_ _just do it_ , he thought pathetically. Pushing the car door open, he snatched up his bag, striding towards the small, two story house, nearly identical to every other on the street. 

 

He knocked sharply on the door, three times. He stepped back, pushing a strand of hair out of his face, trying to look indifferent. 

 

The door opened, and the very first thing that came out of Hansen’s mouth was:

 

“Oh wow, you look terrible.”

 

“Thanks?” Connor replied, narrowing his eyes. Evan’s face -literally- went scarlet. 

 

“Ohmygodimso  _ sorry. _ That was so- I mean- that wasn't what I’d planned to say, like at all.”

 

“You were planning what you would say?” Connor was just confused now. 

 

“No! I mean- yes? Just like, I mean- well,  _ okay _ , I had been planning on just telling you to come in? But then, well, you're bruising. Like, really bad?”

 

“I noticed.”

 

“Oh! Well, um, it just, caught me off guard, I’m sorry, and-” 

 

“You're rambling.” Connor stated, crossing his arms. Evan stared back at him, mouth still partially hanging open. 

 

“Oh.” Was what he said. “I’m sor-”

 

“Okay, I get it.” Connor held a hand up to stop him. “Why don't you just go ahead and say what you had planned to say, yeah?” Was that an appropriate response? Connor wasn't sure, but Evan didn't appear offended, so he took it as a good sign. 

 

“Oh, okay. Um, co-c’mon, in, I guess.” He sort of stepped out of the way and Connor walked in. 

 

He heard the sound of the door shutting and a lock being turned, but Connor just surveyed the room. It was  _ mostly _ the same that it looked back on the first day of school, but that was kind of a stretch. There were papers strewn across a dining table, which sat behind the couch, Connor remembered that from last time. The kitchen was also significantly messier,and the couch was covered with blankets and a laptop sat nearby, which Connor assumed belonged to Evan. 

 

“Sorry,” Evan babbled, as he began to clear off the coffee table. “Mom and I sort of fell back into the routine of me not having guests over ever and it's kind of messy.” 

 

Connor chose to ignore part of that statement, only replying, “I don't mind.” 

 

“Okay,” Evan chewed at his lip, as he dropped into what looked like the messiest, blanket-iest, most lived in area of the whole couch. Connor sat down next to him, leaving about a foot of space between them. 

 

“Are you okay?” They both asked in unison, causing each teen to smile. 

 

“You answer first.” Connor instructed. 

 

“Okay, um, I’m fine.” 

 

“You look tired.” Connor pointed out. 

 

“Oh, I am.” Connor raised an eyebrow. 

 

“Have you slept recently?” He prompted. 

 

Evan nodded, “Like, constantly, since I got home from school yesterday at like, two something. You’d think I’d feel less tired after so much sleep, but alas,” He didn't finish. He didn't need to, Connor understood. 

 

“Okay, besides that, are you good? Like,” He didn't know how to phrase this. “In regards to yesterday? You didn't seem fine then.”

 

“I’m okay.” He said almost immediately. 

 

He sighed. “Whatever, I’m not gonna push you. You still in therapy?”

 

Evan nodded, eyes widening slightly. 

 

“Kay, talk to your therapist about it then.” Evan didn't answer, but changed the subject. 

 

“Why’d you punch someone?” He hugged his knees up to his chest.

 

“I don't wanna talk about it.” He answered swiftly. 

 

“Connor..”

 

“I’ll tell you what happened if you tell me how you really are.”

 

“You said you weren't gonna push!” Evan snapped, a flash of- was that anger? -in his eyes. 

 

“I won't push you if you don't push me!” Connor snapped back, glaring. 

 

“You just came to my house in the middle of the school day for getting suspended, I think I have a right to know why!” He demanded, glaring right back at Connor, arms crossed around his knees. 

 

“I punched someone! I already told you that!” His voice was becoming a yell. This wasn't supposed to happen. 

 

“Seriously? You got a massive bruise  **_on your face_ ** from punching someone?!” Evan was yelling too, now. 

 

“I punched someone several times! Is that what you fucking wanted to hear, Hansen?” He demanded, glaring angrily. 

 

Evan was hunched over now, a dark look on his face, but it didn't look so much mad as it did  _ tired _ . Connor recognized that look as being on his own parents faces every time he entered a room. 

 

“Yes.” Evan said quietly. “Thank you for telling me.” Connor still felt riled up, but let himself begin to relax into the couch again. 

 

“Okay.” They were quiet a minute, when Evan broke the silence. 

 

“I kind of had a big panic attack yesterday.”

 

“No shit.”

 

“Oh….Was it that obvious?” His voice sounded small. 

 

“If you're familiar with panic attacks at all, yeah.” 

 

“Oh.”

 

…. “You don't seem finished.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Evan sighed, drawing into himself more. “I don't know, I was just….spiraling. A lot, yesterday. Kind of today too, I guess.” 

 

“Are you still?”

 

“I dunno.” 

 

“Okay, thanks for telling me, I guess.”

 

“Yeah,” Evan didn't look at him. He looked like he wanted to say something, but was missing the words to do so. 

 

A few minutes of silence. Then, 

 

“Do you have water or something?”

 

“Yeah!” Evan sprang up, walking to the kitchen. “Do you want ice?”

 

“I don't care.” 

 

“So, no ice?”

 

“Sure.” Connor scratched at his scalp; a nervous habit he picked up in tenth grade. It had gotten so bad at one point, that it would bleep if he messed scratched at it. That was certainly a fun explanation to give to his mom and dad. 

 

“Um, here.” Evan returned a moment later, holding out a cup of water. Connor took it taking a sip. 

 

Evan was biting his lip again, wringing his hands in a jerky, harsh motion. 

 

Connor stared into the water to avoid looking at him. He wasn't scared, so to speak, but Evan did certainly seem like he was going to say something and Connor wasn't sure he wanted to hear it. 

 

“H-hey, Connor?” The other teen asked carefully. 

 

“Yeah?” Connor tried to relax. Why did he feel so nervous? He didn't even know what Evan would say. 

 

“Why, um, were you avoiding me? Like, um, all month?” There it was. That was what he was afraid Evan would say. 

 

“Uh,” Connor drew a blank. How was he supposed to explain his screwy weird logic to Evan? “I, um, didn't want you to..get hurt..” 

 

“Huh?” Evan asked, confusion thick in his voice. 

 

“I thought I would end up hurting you, ‘cause I do that to everyone. I didn't want to hurt you.” He muttered, not looking at Evan. 

 

“Oh.” He responded, softly. “Ignoring me for a month was the only way you could think of to avoid that problem?” 

 

“I know I just- wait. Was that sarcasm?” He found Evan grinning at him, an eyebrow raised. 

 

“Oh my God, wait, I’m confused: are you mad at me or not?” Connor asked, beginning to laugh.

 

“I’m not mad at you. Or, well, I was. But I’m not now. I think I kinda get it, though you need to work on your problem solving skills.” 

 

“Jerk.” Connor laughed, hitting Evan gently on the shoulder, causing the honey blond to laugh again. 

 

They both stayed quiet a moment, playful smiles resting on their faces. 

 

“Do you want to play a boardgame?” Evan asked, his usually soft voice sounding loud against the silence of the empty house. 

 

“Oh, I guess? What games do you have?” Evan scrunched up his face, thinking, and Connor found himself watching it for a bit too long. 

 

Evan’s face abruptly lit up. “Oh! Okay, okay- we should- we should play Clue! It’s like, my favorite game  _ ever _ and I don’t totally suck at it so it’s, it’s like a win-win!” Without warning, however, the smile slid off, and Evan began back-peddling. “That is, u-unless you dont  _ want to _ , then, then we could play something else, it was just the firstthingthatcametomindandIjustsortasaiditwithoutthinkingbutifyouwant-”

 

“Evan,” Connor interrupted. “Clue sounds fine.” The other teen looked realized, before nodding and saying he’d go find the game. 

 

Quietly, Evan slipped from the room, and Connor heard the distant sound of footsteps going upstairs. He drummed his fingers on his lap, before picking up his phone and looking into the slightly cracked screen. It was two forty five and Connor knew that he would only have an hour and a half or so before his mom started calling him. 

  
  
  


They’d been playing for about an hour and a half, when Connor’s phone started vibrating from its place on the coffee table. He heaved a sigh, reaching across the game board they’d set up in between them on the couch, and picked it up, answering without checking the Caller ID. 

 

“What?” He answered grouchily. 

 

_ “Hello to you too.”  _ Ah, it was Zoe.  _ “Where are you? You were supposed to drive me home.” _

 

Oh, shit. “I forgot.”

 

A sharp, rueful sounding laugh came from the phone.  _ “Right. Of course you did. Of course you fucking forgot about your little sister.” _

 

Grimacing, “Can’t you just get a ride with one of your stupid friends?”

 

_ “None of my friends are here, Connor! It’s four thirty! I’ve been waiting, and texting, and texting, and waiting for an entire  _ **hour** _ , you prick.” _

 

“Why are you getting so fucking pissed off?” He snapped. 

 

_ “I don’t know, Connor, I don’t know. But please, do tell me what was so important that you forgot about me.” _

 

“I’m at a friends house.”

 

_ “Funny. Be serious, please, I’m not in the mood.”  _

 

His face twisted in anger. “Are you fucking kidding me? I am being serious, you bitch.”

_ “ _ **_I’m_ ** _ the bitch? Are you actually shitting me right now? I’m gonna call Mom to pick me up, and you’re gonna be so  _ **_fucking_ ** _ grounded.” _

 

“Bitch.” He hissed. 

 

_ “Right back at ya, asshole.” _ The dial tone sounded in his ear, and Connor was left seething, waves of anger rolling off of him. 

 

He stared into the gameboard, the game pieces, the answer in the envelope. He’d like to shove an envelope down Zoe’s throat.

 

“Um, Connor, are you, are you oka-”

 

“I’m  **fine** , Evan, just pissed off.” 

 

“Oh.” he folded his hands into his lap and watched Connor, worry creeping into his gaze. 

 

“O-okay..do you, do you wanna keep playing?”

 

“You know what? Yeah. Yeah I would. Let’s- let’s play.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys its scarce here
> 
> its been like a hundred years since i last updated because Guess What: schools been kicking my ass  
> I've been working on this and the next chapter for a couple weeks, so you guys'll get a double update as an apology for not updating for so long bc I'm just that nice :)))))
> 
> ye3t ok i hope you guys liked this, comment what you think, and sMaSh that like button ;)
> 
> hmu on tumbleweed.net.net @overcast-skies (or whatever)
> 
> overtime any of you comment i just. my heart Soars. i love youuuuuuu cllllll soooooo muuuuch thank you guys sm for every comment, kudo, subscription, everything. just. love y'all 
> 
> k ill shut up now <33


	10. And It Looks Starless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last chapter: ugh this connor guy keeps talking  
> this chapter: evans head gets so dark you can't even see the stars :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the only thing i know how to write is angst
> 
> TW: this is a flashback to chapter one. if that was triggering at all to you, be careful. please read with caution  
> Depressive, dark, thoughts, self hate, reference to suicide, suicide ideation, p dark stuff

**About four or so months ago**

 

_ I’m okay, i'm okay, i'm okay, i’m- _

 

“Ou-uch!” He yelped, tripping on a large branch, which had been hidden by the tall grass. Evan cursed his shaky voice. 

 

He walked a few more minutes, before swivelling his head around to look for people. Tourists, other rangers, literally anyone. He just wanted, no,  **needed** **_someone_ ** . 

 

Releasing the gentle grip he had on his left wrist, he dug around his back pocket for his phone. Six forty three. God, how far had he gone? He squinted into the distance, hoping to catch a glimpse of the main building, but saw only trees, trees, fields, grass, sky, sky, sky, going on for forever. 

 

Why had he gone so far? Did he really not want to be found? He wanted to be found now, but with a sigh, Evan began pushing his hope back down. He just needed to get back there and then….then what?   
  


Would his mom be able to afford an ambulance? Oh god, what if someone called an ambulance and she got mad at him for how much money it would cost? What if-

 

Oh God. 

 

Oh fucking God. 

 

_ What if people asked him how he broke it? _

 

_ “Oh yeah, I was just trying to kill myself, y’know, the ushe.” _

 

His feet stopped moving, and Evan felt tears begin slipping out of his burning eyes and already tear-stained face. 

 

It was in that moment, he decided.  **No one** could know how he broke his arm.

 

He would never tell anyone. 

  
  
  
  


Evan used his right shoulder to push the door open. Almost instantly one of his coworkers, Claire, a short hispanic girl he was pretty sure was older than him, came over to him.

 

“Evan? Youve been gone all afternoon, and we- oh my gosh, is your arm okay?” 

 

_ Think, Evan, think.  _ “Act-act-actually I, um, I think I broke it? Uh, I was, I was climbing this-this tree, and, it’s actually really stupid, um, but I was, I had been climbing this tree. Um, and, I don’t even know why, or, uh, but the branch, um, it...uh, it...broke..And I fell. Yeah.”  _ That could actually work, huh.  _

 

“Oh my god! That’s awful; where does it hurt?” She asked, concern flashing in her warm brown eyes. 

 

“Oh! Um, my-my, like, um, from my, uh, wrist, to my, uh, elbo-el-elbow. Um, yeah it really, uh, really hurts, actually.” 

 

“Oh my God..wow, well, do you need a ride to the hospital? Or something?” Claire asked, shooting a look over her shoulder. 

 

“Oh-- you're? You're offering- um, yes- yeah! If you don't, er, if you don't have to do..you don't have to if you don't want to, I mean, it doesn't hurt that bad, I can just- I’ll just wait for my ride home.”

 

“When does your ride get here?”

 

“Around nine.” He cursed himself. That wouldn't help. 

 

“That’s, like, three hours from now, right? You don’t have to wait, I’ll just drive you.”

 

“If you're...if you're sure.”

 

“Yeah, it’s no problem! I’ll go check us out, my car’s the red prius, meet me there?”

 

“O-okay!” 

  
  
  
  


The ride was silent. Claire didn't say anything and Evan didn't try to change that. She dropped him off at the hospital after asking if he wanted her to come in too (he said no). 

 

He checked in. The waiting room was basically empty, so he got a doctor surprisingly fast. 

 

_ The service here was faster than the one his mother worked at _ .

 

The doctor x-rayed him. She was a woman who looked to be in her late thirties, but her red hair had already started graying. She had pretty hazel eyes and she was very nice to him, it reminded him of his own mom. 

 

They called his mom. 

  
  
  
  


He had completely broken his ulna bone (forearm) and they put a hard, heavy cast onto his arm. It weighed his entire body down, and he wasn't sure he’d ever be used to how glaringly white it was. It contrasted against his skin, making the flesh look pinker than normal. 

 

It wasn't until eleven o'clock that night, was he finally seated in the passenger seat of his mom’s car, as she drove him to Braum’s because “you’ve had such a hard day, I want to help you feel a bit better!”. 

 

Evan walked through his front door, alone, because his mom had spent a lot on his hospital bill and couldn't really afford to miss work to stay with him that evening. 

 

_ Why should she have to? You're seventeen; fucking act like it. _

 

He exhaled, calming his sporadic pulse. 

 

“Home again, home again.” He murmured softly, dragging himself up the stairs, each step making his cast feel heavier, heavier, heavier. 

 

Dropping his shoes at the top of the stairs, he padded down the hall to his room, pausing by the window that overlooked his neighbor's house. He could partially see the street, bruise colored shadows mingling with the butterscotch glow emitted from the flickering street lights. The sky was mostly dark, sharply contrasted with by last bleeding colors of the sunset. It had been a disappointing one, only yellow blurring with indigo, as if nature itself was too tired to put effort into that evening. Evan could relate. The street lights bathed the surrounding homes in an eerie sepia. He was tempted to go outside, or at least open a window, but something stopped him, made him continue his solemn march to his room. 

 

With a gentle push, the white wood door creaked open, flooding the dark room with light from downstairs that somehow was able to follow Evan to where he stood. He paused in the entryway, unable to make himself move. 

 

_ No time for that _ , he thought, and ignoring his sick he felt, he  finished the walk, dropping face down onto his bed. 

 

He rolled onto his side, staring blankly at the empty wall across from him. Something hot and angry bubbled up in chest, making him sit up and glared harshly at nothing. 

 

God, what was wrong with him right now? 

 

Evan got up, and began pacing. It was a total distance of about six feet, and endless loop, like the train tracks he used to play with as a child. One giant oval, a train speeding towards a destination that didn't exist. Evan hated it. He was not a train. His room was not a train track. He had the power to leave, he could go to the park. There was near by, but even if it was farther it’s not like he hasn't walked miles to a destination before. 

 

He sighed, stopping when he realized his pacing had become frantic, and entrapping, he walked like he was in a whirlpool, but one he did not consciously want out of. He decided to open a window, whatever had stopped him before was no longer present. A wave of warm, choking night swept over him. 

 

He dropped into his desk chair, spinning on it. His room was dark. He should turn a light on, he’d hurt his eyes like this. That would be a smart, non-self destructive behavior he could exhibit. 

 

He made no move to get up. 

 

There was a framed picture on his desk. It was of his mother and his eight year old self. They were both sat in a wagon filled with hay, a few small pumpkins scattered loosely around. Her arm was wrapped around his shoulder tightly, and they both seemed to be glowing with joy. Evan remembered that day. It was some October weekend and they’d both had rough weeks, so she took him to some orchard place. Autumn Happy Smiley Families Orchard was what it was called in his memories. Everyone he’d seen there was complete, was happy, a mom and dad dragging along two children, both complaining about being hungry or tired. Evan’s dad had never done anything like that with him and Mom. In fact, that had been the one and only time he’d been to that orchard, he didn't even know if it was open anymore. 

 

He inhaled slowly, trying to relax his mind that didn’t seem to want to shut up. He put the picture face down and got up, falling back onto his bed. He sniffled, rubbing at his eyes. He was tired. He was hungry. And he did not have a mom and dad to complain to. Tears threatened to prick at his eyes, and suddenly his breathing felt more like he was choking on dry soil. 

 

Evan had been trying…. **so hard** to keep it together, for his Claire, his mom, for  _ himself _ . But now. Now, behind the walls of his house, in the dark of the dying sun, alone, Evan finally allowed himself to stop avoiding it, and his thoughts stumbled back to that day. 

 

As it happened, he remembered regretting it. But now, he thought, maybe that had just been fear. Fear of it actually working. But now. Now, shaking under the covers, with his window open, letting in humid, warm Summer air, Evan found himself wishing it had worked. 

 

Wishing, wishing he had died that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this satisfies you guys for a while.  
> i have an outline for the next couple chapters, but they're not written at all, so if i were you id be mentally preparing myself for another month long hiatus lmao


	11. And Still Numb, But With Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: evans head gets so dark you can't even see the stars :(  
> This Chapter: does evan is depressed? probably, but he doesn't know that yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hi

Whenever people spoke of seeing a person change in a second, Evan had always disregarded it as impossible, mostly because for him, any emotion he felt always took awhile to get there. He’d spend a while spiraling before having a panic attack or falling into a pool of depressive thoughts, several good things had to happen to put him in a good mood, it took him a thousand years to actually get angry about something. Nonetheless, his emotions all were slow build. 

 

However, that all seemed to go out the window, when the moment Connor picked up his phone to look at the text he received, he changed. In hardly a moment, the other teens entire demeanor had changed; from the sudden glare on his face,t to the clenched tight fist of his right hand. In all honesty, it left Evan kind of shaken. He didn’t know someone’s mood could change that fast, when barely a moment ago he’d been laughing at the stupid indie film they were watching. 

 

“What, what is it?” Evan asked, watching Connor’s face intently. 

 

“My mom. She says that I need to get my ass home.” 

 

“She-she used that wording, e-exactly?” Evan’s poor attempt at a joke to lighten the mood seemed to work, somehow, because the tip of Connor’s mouth quirked up, ever so slightly. 

 

“Yeah, totally.” 

 

“Oh, I see, sarcastic too.” 

 

“Psh, you already knew that about me.” 

 

“True.” 

 

He paused, before slumping to his feet. “I’m already gonna be in trouble for ditching Zoe and getting suspended, so I don’t really wanna add tardiness to that, you feel?”

 

“Yeah,” Evan nodded, though he wasn’t sure how to classify the fact that he really wanted Connor to stay. Was it jealousy? Maybe? Who knew, Evan was far from an expert on classifying his emotions.

 

“I’ll text you later, or something, implying I don’t get my phone taken up.” Connor told him, as he walked to the front door, Evan trailing behind him. 

 

“Okay, try not to die or something, because then I-I won’t have anyone to talk to.” 

 

“I’ll try,” Connor laughed. The front door was opened and Connor stepped outside. “Later, Evan.”

 

“Bye!” 

 

Okay. Okay! That was not terrible! Far from it actually! 

 

As Evan slid the lock back into place, his mind began to analyze the several hours they had spent together. 

 

Connor had come over. Evan had said something really weird that he’d probably repressed by now, they kinda yelled at each other, and then played Clue for thirty minutes before Zoe called Connor and made him mad, then they finished that game and played several more round sof Clue for the next two hours (Connor won once, Evan three times; he didn’t lie when he said he was good at it). Then Connor’s mom told him to go home and he left. 

 

All in all, it seemed like it had been mostly, somewhat, partially a success. 

 

Cool. Now time to go lay down in a dark room for several hours to recharge. 

  
  
  


Evan spent almost the entire weekend in his room, mostly leaving to just talk to his mom or get something to eat. However, that apparently just  _ couldn’t last _ , because come Sunday afternoon, Evan came to downstairs to see a grocery list complete with a few twenties and note from his mom asking if he would “please just go pick up a few things for the week?” Well, Evan had never been able to say no to Heidi, so within an hour, he was standing at the bus stop, light blue shopping bag in hand. 

 

He returned home not too much later, but felt exhausted. Regardless of the fact that he had communicated with other people maybe twice in as many days, simply being in a public location shouldn’t have been so draining. Evan shrugged it off, and put the groceries away, before going back upstairs and watching YouTube for the next few hours. 

 

And that’s basically how it went until around three a.m, when Evan realized with a start that he had not eaten that day. That was strange, because he usually didn’t forget things like that. 

 

Evan crawled out of bed, a splitting headache instantly engaging in a cage match inside his head. He stumbled a bit, rubbing his temple as black spots danced before his eyes. As the darkness cleared up, he furrowed his brow. Had he eaten yesterday? Did he forget two days in a row? No, he was certain he’d had a sandwich or something around two. 

 

This had been a pretty bad problem around his middle school years. At the time, he’d been incredibly forgetful, and if he wasn’t reminded to eat, he wouldn’t. However, when he started seeing Dr. Sherman around ninth grade, she suggested that he “make a schedule to follow during the Summer time or days when he isn't working or at school”, because he “needs a way to make him eat when he’s not being told to”. 

 

It must’ve slipped his mind this time. 

 

As he ventured down the hall, he peeked into Heidi’s bedroom, to see her purse dropped on the floor and a mound buried underneath the covers. 

 

The house was dark, shadows creeping around corners and the click of the lamp flickering on overpowering his other senses in the bare, silent home. 

 

Opening up the pantry, he felt around a bit before his hand closed around a granola bar. Satisfied with the chewy, granola featuring chocolate chips, he carried it back up stairs. Eating it quickly, he dropped the foil wrapper on the floor near his bed, and dropping down. 

 

“Ouch!” He hissed, as his back landed on something cold and hard. Ah, his laptop. He must've not put that away yet. Okay, well, whatever. He slid it into his lap, opening it quickly to check the time. 

 

3:49 a.m. 

 

Also his computer was about to die. 

 

Heaving a sigh, Evan got to his feet again, scanning the dark room for a computer charger. Finding it tangled up underneath a pair of jeans, Evan plugged it into an outlet and and made sure the computer was charging before getting back into bed. As soon as Evan was in bed, he remembering he’d never turned off the lamp downstairs. Craning his neck, he could see a sliver of yellow light slipping through the slat underneath his door. Realizing this would bother him all night, Evan went back downstairs and turned it off. 

 

He settled under the covers again, and then. Shit. A small orange glow emitted from the computer charger across the room. It honestly wasn’t even that bright, but the ceiling light might as well be on. He rolled out of bed and picked up a random article of clothing from the floor, and draped it over the light. 

 

Tired beyond belief, the teen crawled back into the sheets. They felt cold against his skin, but gross and sweaty at the same time. The tangled around his legs and the mattress felt suddenly lumpy, and his head swam with thoughts and suddenly, he felt like crying. He was so tired. Why couldn’t he please just sleep? 

 

He turned over, eyes staring towards his window, concealed by a curtain. His skin itched. He got the thought to go outside, but knew that it was around sixty degrees out and he got cold really easily. 

 

He picked up his phone, wincing at the painfully bright screen which read 4:03 a.m. 

 

This was going to be a long night. 

  
  
  
  


The following morning, Evan was sat in the passenger seat of Heidi’s car at seven forty five. His limbs ached from an imaginary marathon and his head hurt and he felt sick and he was s _ o so tired.  _

 

A yawn stretched across his face, and he dropped his forehead against the glass window. 

 

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Heidi asked, poorly masked concern in her voice. 

 

“Jus’ tired.” He mumbled, eyes feeling heavy. 

 

“You don’t look like you feel well.” He shrugged. 

 

A cold hand pressed against his forehead. “You feel clammy.” 

 

He shrugged again. Heidi sighed. “Well, shoot me, uh, a text if you feel worse, okay honey?”

 

“Kay.”

 

“Have a nice day.” They’d arrived at school. 

 

“Okay, you too.” He grabbed his bag and pulled himself out of the car. Each step felt like he was dragging a wagon of cinder blocks behind him. His eyes caught on a gray car and for a moment his mood lifted because  _ isn't that the car Connor drives? _ But that hope was squashed when he A) he remembered Connor had been suspended for the week and B) two short girls got out. 

 

He pulled his phone out of his back pocket as he pushed open the door with his shoulder, and found a slightly clear spot in the cafeteria to stand until the bell rang. He turned it on, a frown forming on his face as he quickly realized he hadn’t charged it the previous night and it was already at thirty two percent. A text from Jared appeared as he logged in and he clicked on the message. 

 

From Jared

7:55 a.m/ hey youll never fucking guess 

 

To Jared

7:55 a.m/ what is it? And are you at school yet?

 

From Jared

7:56/ no not yet and FUCK U KNOW CONNOR MURPHY????

 

To Jared

7:56/ yes, i know him

 

From Jared

7:56 a.m/ WELL DUUUDEUEUF SO ON FRIDAY. I WAS TALKIN TO COLIN

 

From Jared

7:56 a.m/ u know colin right???

 

To Jared

7:56 a.m/ yes i think?

 

From Jared

7:57 a.m/ well, i was tellin him this thing and it went high key suuuper bad, he was being a total dick- btw im not sitting with him at lunch and i really wish i didnt have him third period- but he was being a TOTAL asshole

 

From Jared

7:57 a.m/ i got really pissed off but i was in a ~fragile state~ and Connor Fucking Murphy like. Comes up to me and is like “u know evan?” i kinda nod cause like “fuck why is he talking to me”

 

From Jared

7:58 a.m/ but he like fucking RUNS up to Colin and just DECKS HIM. LIKE COLIN LITERALLY GOT SMASHED INTO THE LOCKERS. AND MURPHY LIKE HITS HIM AGAIN AND BY THIS POINT COLINS FIGHTING BACK BUT DUUUUDE. IT WAS SO FIUCKING SIICK OMLL

 

To Jared

7:59 a.m/ Connor punched Colin?

 

From Jared

7:59 a.m/ yeah dude it was insane. Like. i always got a weird vibe from that kid cuz u know. He does all those drugs + shit and kinda looks like he’d kill someone, but TOTALLY JUST. wow. He’s got mad respect from me now tbh

 

To Jared

8:02 a.m/ thats really crazy 

 

From Jared

8:02 a.m/ alsoooo guess tf what

 

To Jared

8:02 a.m/ what is it?

 

From Jared

8:03 a.m/ someone turned Jay in or smth because on friday he wasnt at school and idk what happened to him. I heard some people saying he got expelled, suspended, sent to that reform school the enxt town over idk but it was insane

 

To Jared

8:03 a.m/ jay is gone?

 

From Jared

8:04 a.m/ yeah, ik he was giving u shit so yay!!!!!

 

From Jared

8:04 a.m/ fuck i gotta drive Jasmine to school again. I s2g that junior high gives me serious ptsd

 

To Jared

8:05 a.m/ school starts really soon though, what if youre late?

 

From Jared

8:05 a.m/ meh idrc, ill see u at lunch or smth??

 

To Jared

8:05 a.m/ okay, bye

 

_ Okay.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeks, its been a while. this isn't as long as i usually like to make chapters, but i felt bad for the space in between updates being so big so idk but here
> 
> i like it, buts it kinda filler-y
> 
> also i thought i was gonna die when i was typing out evan and jared text convo idk i just hate typing out texting


	12. And 'Cause I'm So "Happy"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: does evan is depressed? probably, but he doesn't know that yet  
> This Chapter: the zoe murphy "breakdown scene"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the understudy for Tzietel in Fiddler on the Roof jr, and my good friend "officially" has the role and we always refer to the scene where she finds out she can't marry her Secret Boyfriend "the breakdown scene" so there now you understand the title for This Chapter

Zoe Murphy stood placidly in her kitchen, tense, with an ocean of anger festering inside her. 

 

But to her parents, she looked slightly miffed, at the most, because their sweet little constant, Zoe, was so strong, she never got upset at much. 

 

Boy, were they wrong! 

 

“Honey, take a seat, would you?” Cynthia Murphy, her mother, asked her. 

 

“ **Connor! Come down, it's time for dinner.** ” Larry Murphy, her father, called upstairs. 

 

Zoe took a seat, seething. 

 

“Zoe, dear, you look upset. Did you fight with one of your friends?” Cynthia asked, a politely concerned expression on her face. 

 

“Something like that.” She growled. 

 

“What happened?” 

 

“I don’ wanna talk about it.” Came her mumbled reply. 

 

“ **Connor! Dinner!** ”

 

“You know, talking things out sometimes helps.”

 

“ **I’m not coming!** ”

 

“Well, I don’t feel like-”

 

“ **Connor- downstairs. Now. Don’t make me ask again!** ”

 

“Larry, Zoe and I are trying to have a conversation.” Cynthia said, irritation on her face. 

 

“Well, would you like to get your son downstairs?” He snapped. Cynthia’s face was tight, and she whispered something in his ear as she stood up to walk into the kitchen. Zoe heard her heels clacking on the tile. 

 

So much for that conversation. 

 

Larry dragged a hand across his face, sighing, before pushing his chair back, and walking up the steps. 

 

She heard him bang on her brother's door, yelling at him to “get downstairs now. Or there will be consequences.” 

 

Zoe was surprised he’d lasted that long without cussing out Connor. 

 

“ **You can’t fucking make me!** ” “ **Try me! Now get your ass out of that room now!** ”

 

The junior dropped her face in her hands. She hated this. Why couldn’t she be the one fighting with her parents? It was stupid, sure, but couldn’t she, for once, be the one to be irrationally mad at her mother? Couldn’t she, for once, yell something harsh she didn’t mean, but not regret it? Couldn’t she, for once, scream and then storm up to her room to blast music and leave every witness shellshocked? 

 

It was a stupid and horrible thing to wish, but alas. 

 

“Zoe, can you come serve yourself?” 

 

“Do I have to?” 

 

“Zoe,  _ please _ ?”

 

“L’right.” She sighed, getting to her feet. Maybe she should drop her plate on the floor and announce she did it on purpose. Piss of her parents. Maybe. 

 

She carried the yellow ceramic plate into the fancy kitchen, filled it with mashed potatoes, peas, and some weird purple things that may be eggplant. 

 

Stifling a sigh, she sat back down at the table. Zoe slipped her phone out of her back pocket, opening Instagram and scrolling through her feed. 

 

Across from her, Cynthia began filling up the three other plates. 

 

“He’s coming down in a minute.” Larry’s voice announced, as the sound of footsteps going down the wooden spiral stairs sounded through the bottom floor of the home. 

 

“Wonderful, I’ve got both your plates ready.” Came Cynthia’s pleasent reply. Zoe rolled her eyes. 

 

“I dunno why you even bother giving him anything, it’s not like he’ll eat before screaming at you.” Zoe quietly said.

 

“Zoe,” Larry’s voice had a warning tone. “We don’t need you picking a fight with him. He’s already grounded for not picking you up and being suspended, this family doesn't need him getting into anymore fights.” 

 

She rolled her eyes, muttering under her breath.

 

“Hey, watch it; keep that attitude in check.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Zoe Elizabe-”

 

“I don’t see why I can’t just eat upstairs.” A rough voice interrupted, as a figure dropped into the seat next to Zoe.

 

Anger boiled up inside the teen again. He just fucking  _ had _ to make everything about him, didn’t he?

 

“Connor, don’t start anything. Everyone here has had a long day. You have your first day of in school suspension-”

 

“God don’t remind me.” He snapped. Larry shot him a look and Cynthia continued. 

 

“And Larry has a big meeting.” She finished with a smile. 

 

“I have a jazz band practice until six.” Zoe put in, voice flat. 

 

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

 

“I told you on Friday.”

 

“Oh, well, we were all quite preoccupied on Fri-”

 

“I also wrote it down on the chalkboard and asked you if you’d be able to pick me up yesterday.”

 

“Oh, well-”

 

“Zoe, are you on your phone?” Her father interrupted. 

 

“No.”

 

“Yes, she is.” Connor answered. 

 

“Oh, fuck you.” She hissed. 

 

“Zoe!”

 

“What?”

 

“Zoe, no phones at the table. Now, I don’t know why you’re in a mood like this but-”

 

“Of course you don’t.”

 

“ _ Zoe- _ ”

 

“What? What is it, Dad? Are you going to yell at me?”

 

“Zoe-”

 

“Wow, are we fighting? With Connor sitting right here? Are you sure you’d rather not fight with him? Surely it’d be more entertaining for you, Dad.”

 

“Zoe Elizabeth Murphy, I do not like the way you are speaking to me right now.” The fact that he didn’t even seem like he was putting effort into arguing with her seemed to add fuel to the fire  _ raging _ inside her. 

 

“Are you SERIOUS?” She yelled, bursting to her feet, chair crashing back onto the floor, making everyone one at the table flinch. She had their attention now. 

 

“You don’t like how I’m speaking to you? If Connor spoke to you like this, it’d be a good day. But I never do this, why am I not grounded yet?”

 

“That’s different, he-”

 

“He what? He what, Dad?  **He what, Dad?** ”

 

“Do  **not** raise you voice at me!” He was on his feet now, too. 

 

“Oh, finally! You’re actually trying now! Are you gonna cuss me out? Scream at me? Do it, I dare you!” 

 

“Go to your room!” 

 

“No, Dad, I think I’d like to stay  _ here _ . And Mom, to answer your question I’m fucking pissed off because no one in this goddamn house gives a crap about anything I do, unless it’s a  **poor attempt to distract yourself from whatever** **_he’s_ ** **done!** ” 

 

“Go to your roo-”

 

“ **DAD. TELL ME THAT I’M A DISTRACTION FROM YOUR REAL PROBLEMS!”** She rounded the table, rage boiling and cascading around her, surrounding Zoe in an ocean of fury. 

 

“ **TELL ME THAT I’M NOT AS IMPORTANT AS CONNOR!”** She was in his face now, screaming. “ **TELL ME THAT I’M-** ” 

 

A loud  _ smack _ filled the air, which in an instant had gone from symphonic volume, to dead silence. A gasp fell from her mother’s lips. 

 

Zoe lifted her shaking fingers to her cheek, stinging and painful. It hurt. Her father's left hand was still raised 

 

“You...you slapped me.” She said, softly, shocked. 

 

She looked up at her father once, before everything collapsed in on itself and she was a whirlwind fleeing from the dining room, racing up the stairs, storming into her room, door slamming with a thunderous crack. 

 

The rain began soon after. 

 

Tears drenched her shirt, her cheeks, one now burning with the pink mark of a hand. 

 

“He slapped me. He slapped me. Oh God, what have I done? Why did I do that?” She whimpered, hands clawing at her throat. “What have I done?”

 

Backing into a corner, near her closet and a window, Zoe dropped to the ground. 

 

What the fuck had she done. 

  
  
  
  


There was something Cynthia used to say, back in junior high, when she’d warn Zoey to stay away from bad kids. It was something like, “Where there’s one rotten apple, there’s bound to be more.” 

 

On that particular Monday, Zoe felt that deep inside her.  _ Where there is one rotten Murphy, there’s bound to be more.  _

 

She wasn’t rotten. But she was sour and bitter tasting. She didn’t turn to mush in your hands. But she did leave a bad taste in your mouth and make you wonder if you should’ve eaten that. 

 

She wasn’t a rotten apple, she was a sour lemon. 

 

That’s what was on the mind of Zoe Murphy as she arrived at school. She had split away from her mother and Connor, who were getting Connor’s ISS set up, and was making her way to her locker, earbuds in, her own thoughts doing an intricate dance with the loud song lyrics. 

 

_ “It’s my problem if I want to pack up and run away.” _ The lyrics hit uncomfortably close to home at the moment. 

 

She’d cried for more than an hour, the previous night, before a muffled noise outside the hall captured her attention. A blue ice pack, wrapped in a white paper towel, was being jerkily forced underneath her bedroom door. There was a pause, and then the sound of footsteps leading away and a door slamming. Zoe made no move to pick it up. She refused to accept any bit of  _ pity _ , or-or  _ apologeticness _ , or anything. Within a few minutes, however, she was sobbing again. Her head slammed against the wall, more tears flooding down her face. She was horrible. She’d yelled at her father, said some pretty insensitive shit to Connor, rude to her mother, God, she was just awful. She didn’t deserve someone feeling concerned about her enough to give her an ice pack, she deserved to be slapped. Why didn't she take the ice pack? It was probably too warm to feel good on her face by now, and it still hurt loads. Deep, painful regret grew inside her, swallowing her up until there was nothing left but sorrow. 

 

A muffled “Zoe!” brought her back to the present, a slender arm linking with her own. 

 

Tugging out her earbuds, she glanced over at her best friend, Macy. 

 

“What’s up?” She asked hesitantly. Her right cheek was, unfortunately on the same side as Macy, and Zoe got to watch the girl’s eyes widen with shock as she noticed it. 

 

“What happened? You look like shit.”

 

“Feel like shit.” She responded, grinning. 

 

“What happened here?” A manicured finger the color of a heavily creamed coffee poked her cheek, causing Zoe to wince a little. 

 

“Nothin’.”

 

“I’m callin shit.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “Seriously, girl, what’s up?”

 

“I just fought with my family, a bit. No biggie.”

 

“That’s bull. It looks like someone hit you. Di- wait. Fuck. Did-” Her voice lowered drastically in volume. “Did Connor do this?”

 

A beat. 

 

“No.”

 

“Oh my God, he did!” Macy gaped. 

 

“He didn’t.” Zoe insisted, glaring. 

 

“No one else in your family is psycho enough though.” 

 

“True. It was- it was my dad, okay? Can we please drop it now?”

 

“Your dad hit you?!”

 

“Shhh!” Zoe practically covered Macy’s entire face in an attempt to quiet her. 

 

“That is not okay. That is soooo not okay.” Macy repeated, shocked. 

 

“I know. I’m pissed but I don’t want to talk about it.” 

 

Macy looked uncomfortable. “Okay, but, you need to promise me. If it happens again, call me.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Promise.”

 

“I promise.”

 

“Okay, g-good.” Macy seemed satisfied. She tugged a hand through her bleach blonde, curly hair. “I should get to class- it’s all the way in E Hall.”

 

“Kay, see you later!” 

 

“Later!” 

 

They disbanded and Zoe continued her walk to english with Mr Farmer. 

 

She had woken up that morning in the same place she’d been the night before- the corner of her room. The icepack still sat by her door and a small puddle of water surrounded it. When she’d put it away downstairs, she could've sworn that Connor was looking at her. But regardless, she didn’t speak to any of them all morning. No “Goodmorning!” to respond to Cynthia’s greeting, cold, yet innocent stares at her father, the usual uncomfortable silence with Connor. She would ignore them all day today, too, that was her plan. 

 

Her plan did not involve running into Evan Hansen sometime after lunch. 

 

“Um, hi.” 

 

“Hi..?” They’d only really spoken over text, and that was just one time. And it was about Connor. So.

 

“How-how are you?” Smalltalk. Okay. 

 

“Oh y’know, just angsty teenin’ my way through the day.” She said jokingly. 

 

“Oh, haha.” He laughed uncomfortably. 

 

It was quiet a moment, until Zoe broke the silence. “Was there something you needed?”

 

“Oh! Ri-right, um. I was going to ask you if-if Connor got in much trouble? He said he’d text me, but-but didn’t so I kinda thought maybe it was. Kinda a lot of trouble.”

 

“Oh, yeah. He’s grounded as shit.” Zoe barked. “Two months. No phone. Can’t drive by himself. Mom and- Mom and Dad are pissed. Plus he’s got ISS, so..”

 

“Oh, uh- yikes. If you- er, when you see him later today, uh, no, nevermind. Tha-thanks, Zoe.” He wandered off. 

 

Zoe shook her head. Weird guy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "angsty teenin my way through the day" is my new motto
> 
> anyway- hi hi HI  
> please comment an answer to this so i can know what to do
> 
> would you rather
> 
> chapters be longer (think like chapter ten or smth), but far and few between
> 
> OR
> 
> chapters be shorter (like the length of the super early chapters), and come out more freqeuntally?
> 
> yeah pls let me know thx love you byeeeee


	13. And The Rain, Rain Won't Go Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: the zoe murphy "breakdown scene"  
> This Chapter: trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HI HI READ THIS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!  
> Trigger warnings: talk of suicide, flashbacks to suicide attempt, suicide ideation, panic attacks, heavily detail description of a panic attack, heavily detailed description of a suicide attempt, IF CHAPTER ONE OR TEN (chapters about evans suicide attempt) WERE AT ALL TRIGGERING- PLEASE READ WITH DIGRESSION. i put a trigger right before the chapter goes bad, so please pay attention to that. 
> 
> read end notes for chapter summary

Evan stared at his arm. It was cold. And moist. 

 

“Anywho, just try not to move it too much for the next few days and you’ll be a-okay!” Evan’s mouth moved into a tight smile while his mother thanked and chattered on with the gray mustached doctor. 

 

A black sling connect around his neck, entrapping his now cast-less arm. He’d decided to keep the cast after the doctor suggested so, because  _ wouldn’t that be such a cool thing to show your little friends? _ He held the cast in his right hand, a clean split went straight across the plaster, borderline crossing through the large spelling of “Connor”. Heidi picked up her purse, thanking the doctor again, and began walking Evan to the door where Jared was supposed to pick him up, because when he left she’d be going back to work. Heidi waited with him for a bit, but then had to go inside. Jared was supposed to be here at three, and so far he was eleven minutes late. He stood by the sliding glass doors, a breeze sifting its way through the thin fabric of the sling, not even close to keeping his arm as warm as the cast had. 

  
  


It was three forty five before Evan began toying with the idea that maybe, just maybe, Jared wasn’t coming at all.

 

It was four o’ eight before Evan texted the one other person he thought  _ might _ be willing to drive him home. 

 

To Connor

4:09 p.m/ hi sorry to bother you but do you think you could possibly give me a ride home? I’m at the Rochester city hospital. 

 

From Connor

4:11 p.m/ shit are u ok???

 

To Connor

4:11 p.m/ yeah of course why wouldnt i be?

 

To Connor

4:11 p.m/ OH

 

To Connor

4:11 p.m/ Ohhh im os sorry that soundded s obad. Imf ine. I was just getting my cas toff. Dont woryr

 

He cringed at the typos, but the fact that Connor thought that Evan was hurt or something had jolted him  _ so bad _ that his hands almost instantly started shaking worse than normal, and the only thing Evan could think about was clearing the air  **as soon as possible** . So. Typos probably weren’t that important. 

 

From Connor

4:12 p.m/ ok thats good. 

 

From Connor

4:12 p.m/ n yeah i can get you. My parents chilled out on the grounding since its been like three weeks so i got my phone and can drive again

 

To Connor

4:13 p.m/ oh okay cool! I’ll see you soon! 

 

Evan slid his phone into the sling next to his arm, deciding to take advantage of that “basically pocket”. Shivering, he glanced around the parking lot. His mom had mentioned to him before they left for his appointment that it was supposed to rain sometime that day and  _ you should probably bring a jacket just in case, honey. _ But Evan was a “responsible” “adult” now, so he disregarded her and left without a jacket. He was big time regretting that now. 

 

About fifteen minutes later, the gray car Evan recognized as Connor’s, pulls up in the street in front of him. Evan quickly hurries to it, carefully opens the door and climbs in, quickly shutting it behind him. 

 

“Hey,” 

 

Evan glanced over at Connor, doing his best to look  _ cool  _ and  _ casual _ , though he wasn’t sure why exactly he felt the need to try so hard.

 

“Hi.”

 

“So, uh, the cast’s gone?”

 

“Yeah! Um, my uh, my arm can breath again, haha.” Connor’s lips twitched into a thin smile, and the taller teen focused his eyes onto the street and began pulling out of the parking lot. 

 

It was silent a while. Evan tilted his head towards the window, watching the gradually darkening sky filled with fast moving clouds race by. 

 

“So, uh, do you maybe- wanna cometomyhouse?” The sentence ended in a rush and Evan looked over to Connor who was watching the road, knuckles gripping the steering wheel tensley. “We can like. Hang or-or something. If you like, want to..”

 

“Oh, um. Yeah, that would- that sounds fun! Yeah!” Evan did not mention that sometimes after stimulative events or things that may cause trigger-y, spiral-y, (i.e getting the cast removed from the mostly healed broken arm that remained of his suicide attempt) thoughts could sometimes lead to him occasionally getting panic attacks. But he was going to remain hopeful that that was not going to happen! 

 

Connor seemed to release a load of tension as he exhaled. “Nice. Cool, uh, yeah. I’ll just, go uh, there then.” 

 

Evan hummed in response and turned his attention back out the window. Evan had a sudden memory of him being fourteen and going to Dr Sherman’s for an appointment. He had been supposed to go to a birthday party, most likely Jared’s, and he would’ve needed to go right after the session. He was scared that he’d get a panic attack there because he wouldn’t be getting time to recharge in between. Dr Sherman had suggested that he have a safe word with his mom that he could use is he needed to be picked up, and to let Jared know before the party that he may be more prone to panic attacks. Wasn’t that exactly what he was afraid of right now? That he’d start panicking while at Connor’s house because he has had zero time all day to process the flood of emotions that he has from all the memories and unwanted thoughts that seem to returning at lighting speed all because this one thing was attached to his arm is getting removed? 

 

No, because he has nothing to worry about. Because he’s not  **going to get one.**

 

About five or so minutes later, he and Connor were turning into a neighborhood that Jared had always called “the one place where all the rich people cultivate”. Evan didn’t know Connor lived here. They parked in the driveway of a two story red brick house. It had a large Cottonwood tree in the front yard and some pretty landscaping around the edge of the house. It looked nice. 

 

Connor pulled the key out of the car and pushed his door open, climbing out, and Evan did the same, just, less aggressively. He follow the brunette to the front door, where he used a new key to unlock the door.

 

As they entered the house, Evan had to restrain himself from doing one of those dramatic Hollywood spins in order to take it all in. The floor was a rich, dark oak color, and it continued up a lavish twisting staircase. The walls were painted in warm tones, cream colored mostly but with an burnt orange or dark red accent here and there. Several photos of Zoe, Connor, and what Evan assumed were their parents filled the walls, and many pieces of art and wall decor hung in various positions in the foire. To the left of Evan there was an  _ incredibly _ fancy dining room with two twin cases of china and glassware as well a sparkly chandelier. Straight ahead was a living room with a ceiling that reached up the second floor, and two open hallways that led to second floor rooms were visible as well. A soft looking white shag rug lay on the floor in front of a gray couch with ornate throw pillows, two expensive looking chairs, and a sleek coffee table complete with a magazine spread. Evan could also see parts of a extremely nice looking kitchen and a  _ green, green, green _ , backyard through large, partially curtained windows. 

 

All in all, it was by far the nicest house Evan had ever been in. 

 

“I like your house.” An understatement. 

 

Connor rolled his eyes, “It’s doesn’t feel like a house. More like a massive Ikea showroom that I have to live in.” 

 

“I always liked the Ikea showrooms.”

 

“I mean, they look cool, I guess, but it just doesn’t feel very homey, y’know?”

 

Evan nodded, although he didn’t know. It seemed like it would be a dream to live in a place like this. 

 

Connon kicked off his shoes and Evan did the same. 

 

As they walked further inside, Connor uncertainly asked, “Are you, like, hungry? Or something?”

 

“No! No, I’m uh..I’m okay! Thanks!”

 

“Do you wanna..go upstairs then?”

 

“Sure, that sounds good,” 

 

Connor began walking upstairs, feet thumping against the hardwood loudly. Evan followed him. 

 

As they passed through a now carpeted hall, one of the doors opened, and Evan was met with the face of Zoe Murphy. She had on a light pink long sleeve shirt and a star barrett in her hair. 

 

“Evan?” She asked, confused, then she noticed Connor, a few feet away. “Oh.”

 

He narrowed his eyes. “So you’re talking again?”

 

“I wanted to see why he was in our house! Now I see he’s with you, and there's no need for a conversation.” Zoe snapped, going to shut her door. Connor stopped it with his foot, pulling it open again. Evan backed away, back bumping into the railing which overlooked the living room. 

 

“What?” She hissed. 

 

“You ignore everyone for an entire week and now you’re acting like everything's  _ just fine _ ?”

 

“That’s real funny coming from-” She stopped, exhaled. “I’m not doing this in front of Evan. If you’re  _ so curious _ , talk to me when he leaves.” The door slammed. 

 

Connor’s hands were clenched into tight fists. 

 

Evan cleared his throat. “Do-do you wanna go to-to your, uh, your room?” He cringed at how his voice sounded in the quiet hall. 

 

A beat. Then, “Yeah, let’s go- follow me.”

 

Connor’s room did not look like how Evan had pictured it. Not that he’d pictured it before! Just, like, how when you think about someone excessively-  **_not that he was thinking about Connor excessively_ ** \- you just kind of start imagining what their setting may look like. 

 

Evan had always assumed the room would be dark, edgy looking, maybe spikes lining the walls. That was, of course, before he started talking to Connor. Now, the spikes had kinda vanished. 

 

This place was not at all like that. 

 

It looked like a normal teenage guys bedroom. The walls were gray, dark red, green, blue and yellow patterned curtains hung open by a window. There was a tall bookshelf by the door, and a desk near that. The bed was a twin, like Evan’s, and was covered with a brown and red plaid comforter. Other than that, it was empty. 

 

Connor dropped onto his bed, glancing over at Evan, who sat at the desk. 

 

“I’m sorry, it’s just so weird looking at you without the cast on. Like, i feel majorly unsettled right now.” He laughed, and Evan grinned back. 

 

“Yeah, I’m not used to it at all.”

 

“I low key wanna sign it again.”

 

“Well, uh, the sling is- it’s black. I don’t think sharpie would show up on it.” Connor sat up. 

 

“That’s where you’re wrong.” He smirked, walking towards the desk. Evan spun the chair, watching with interest. 

 

Connor rifled around in the desk drawer, finally producing a silver sharpie.

 

“Oh my God.” Evan said, while Connor grinned proudly, uncapping.

 

“Can I?”

 

“Please,” Evan laughed, using his right hand to carefully extend the sling. 

 

A moment later, “Oh shit. I fucked it up.”

 

“What? What did you do?’ Evan questioned, growing slightly worried. 

 

Connor laughed, “I fucking misspelled my name.”

 

“You what?” Evan pulled his arm back, peering at the name. 

 

C O N N E R

 

“Oh my God,” Evan breathed. 

 

Connor dropped back onto his bed. “Holy shit, I can’t fucking breath.”

 

“Oh my God,” Evan repeated, laughter bubbling up, and soon, he too was bent over, laughing until side hurt, because  _ “You actually spelled it wrong what the hell??” _ .

 

“I don’t even know how I managed that.” Connor spoke, grinning, once he was able to speak again. 

 

Evan’s eyes lit up. “Wait, I have an idea.”

 

“What is it?” Connor asked.

 

“Do you have, like, a- a regular black sharpie?”

 

“Uh, yeah, check the drawer.” Evan dug around, finally finding one. 

 

“Okay, give me-give me your arm.”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“No, I just want to write something.” Connor suddenly looked uncomfortable.

 

“Okay,” He rolled his hoodie sleeve up, almost immediately twisting the wrist side away. 

 

“Write whatever on the outside,” Evan nodded, biting his inner cheek. 

 

A moment later, “Okay I’m done.”

 

Connor looked, and then burst into laughter again. “You fucker! Oh my God..” Written in all caps, similarly to how Connor had scrawled it, was the word “ OVAN”. 

 

Evan cracked up, covering his face as he dissolved into another fit of laughter. 

 

After a few minutes, Connor said, “My family is gonna have some serious questions when they see this.”

 

“I can’t wait to see my mom’s reaction when she learns I've been signed by, what’s gonna look like, two different Connor’s.”

 

“You have to tell me her reaction,” Connor laughed. “Okay, well, while we’re on the topic of this, I kinda want to hear your arm-break story.”

 

**(trigger: if chapters one or ten- chapters that dealt with Evan’s suicide and detailed it -were triggering to you, PLEASE stop reading here. I will put a description in the end notes so you can find out what happened. Read with caution <3)**

 

Evan froze. “My..my what?”

 

“Like, y’know, the full story of how you broke it.”

 

“I um, I already told you. I f-fell out of a tree and I just, it broke.”

 

“Come  _ on _ , there’s gotta be more to it! Like, what? You just fucking magically appeared in a tree and fell out? I’m curious.”

 

“Well, um, it’s really a- a boring story. So you- you probably don’t want to hear it, y-y’know?” HIs hands had started twitching shaky. Talking about this was by no means in his plan for the day. 

 

“Well, I do.”

 

“Um, o- _ okay _ .” He swallowed and sweat prickled at the back of his neck. “Um, I was, I had a job at Ellison State Park- wait, no. I was an intern there, like, I wasn’t paid, I just helped out, and um, and stuff.” He shot a look at Connor, who was nodding along. 

 

“Um, and I. Uh. Well, I was just, um..”

 

_ Evan had by no means had a good week. His father had contacted him for the fourth time, asking if Evan would like to visit them in Colorado. Evan had been ignoring them, but the night before, Heidi had found out about it. She’d blown up, immediately calling his dad. They’d fought, for what felt like hours. Evan had barely slept at all, only able to hear the yelling and the crying, which was giving him major flashbacks to his early childhood. The intrusive thoughts had been horrible that night. It felt like every voice in his head was telling him to die. Not one was giving him any reason not to. He couldn’t sleep, but he couldn't stay like this. Could he? No, this was torture.  _

 

“I’d gone to the-the park, that day, and it was pretty slow. Not a- not a whole lot of people were there.”

 

_ That morning, he hadn’t decided if he was going to do it.  He planned on waiting to see how the day was going to go. But as soon as he woke up, he heard his mother’s voice. She was on the phone, what sounded like, venting. Her best friend, Jared’s mom, had been a big support system  during the divorce, it wasn’t unusual for Heidi to talk to her for advice. Evan hated fighting more than anything. He woke up with the dread and self hate from the night before intensifying instantly. He could barely even hear his mother's voice over the flood of thoughts. When he’d arrived at Ellison, he’d signed up for the patrol shift; it was his favorite, he usually wasn’t bothered.  _

 

“Um, it had been a really nice day. It was-it wasn’t super cloudy, just-just nice, you-you know?”

 

“Yeah,”

 

_ He had been walking for a while, when he realized he’d need to go back to eat. They weren’t allowed to bring food on the trail, or at least, the employees weren’t. As soon as he got back, he was immediately overwhelmed. Apparently his spiraling had taken a major toll on him, and just having to be near these people was making him feel sick.  _

 

“I’d, um, I’d gone back to the building to eat lunch, and just, um, hang around there for a bit. It was two by the time I’d gone back onto the trails and stu-stuff.”

 

_ He decided he was going to do it while he was walking. He scanned the area, quickly picking out a tall looking tree. It was Summer, all the branches were leafy, green and it didn’t seem to difficult to climb.  _

 

“I was um- I was-was-was  _ bored _ and stuff, be-because it was so empty!” No one else had asked for the full story, and Evan was honestly making it up as he went, trying to  _ just _ skirt around the truth. 

 

_ He’d decided to leave his backpack on the ground, opting to leave his phone too, because his mom may be able to resell it for money after he died.  _

 

“I put my stuff down at the-at the-the-the um, the base of the tree, and I-I just,” he felt tears starting to prick at his eyes, fuck fuck fuck. “An’ I, I started to climb it.”

 

_ He had felt completely relaxed as he climbed it- he loved to climb trees. It was such a nice day. He was so sure it would work, it had too.  _

 

“I ha-ad gottenup about, um, um,” His breath started hitching, no no  _ no, why was he still talking? _

 

_ And he let go.  _

 

“And I let go.” By that point, the tears were starting to drip down his face, and as soon as the words left his mouth, he froze. It felt as though electricity had been jolted through his body. 

 

“You-” Evan was out of the chair and running. He quickly flung the door open and burst down the hall, bumping into someone- it was probably Zoe - but he didn’t care. His feet carried him to what he could see was a bathroom, and then the door was shut and a lock was clicking. 

 

_ The fall had come quickly, he remembered being scared, he wished he’d chosen a less gruesome way to die, but honestly, it was what he deserved.  _

 

He backed into the wall, not feeling the cabinet dig into his skin. Fuck. Fuck. Staring into his reflexion in the mirror, he nearly lost it.  _ Look what you’ve done _ , his reflection seemed to say. In his mind, it sneered at him, laughing at the complete mess he was. 

 

_ He had been able to grab hold of a tree branch before hitting the ground, that was probably why he was still alive.  _

 

He stumbled to the floor, using the counter to ease his body into a sitting position, he hugged his knees to his chest, and buried his head where the light wouldn’t get past his tightly shut eyes. 

 

_ His hands had had held tightly t the tree, and he’d begun working himself closer to the branch. When he just, stopped. He wasn’t moving, he wasn’t doing anything. Just hanging there, still and traumatized. _

 

His arms both hurt, the mostly healed one probably breaking again because of its painful position, and his right almost getting blood drawn from hw tightly his nails dug into it.

 

_ Hanging there, he felt as if nothing mattered. He had held his life in his hands and he let go, unless he climbed down, there was no way out of this now. He couldn’t imagine climbing down, couldn't imagine going to work, going home, going to school. What did any of that matter?  _

 

Someone may have been knocking on the door, he didn’t know. All he knew, was that he’d ruined everything. He’d confessed his biggest secret to Connor, had told him, and  _ told him _ , Zoe probably saw him run down the hallway crying, everything was  _ horrible  _ and  _ pointless _ , and he  _ ruined everything _ . And honestly? This was the worst he’d ever felt, second only to  _ that day. _

 

_ And so, he let go. Again. A second time. He could have climbed down, and he didn’t. He just released his grasp, and dropped the remaining twenty feet to the ground, fully accepting whatever would come to that. Was it enough to kill him? Maybe. Could he survive that fall? Possibly. He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to know. All he knew was he  _ **_wasn’t climbing down that fucking tree after trying to kill himself_ ** _ , that was one thing he would not do.  _

 

A new wave of tears washed over him, shudders racking through his body. Scratch that- this was  _ worse _ , than that day. He’d been  _ calm _ and  _ numb _ , that day. He was worse than that now. He had had a shot a dying, he probably wouldn’t have been able to survive a forty foot drop. He could have died. And he gave up that opportunity. All he had left from that was a broken arm and a funny story he could tell at family gatherings and at school. Haha, I am very suicidal and really wish I were dead, but here, let me tell this story of how I tried to kill myself this summer, and we can all laugh about it!

 

_ When he’d hit the ground, he knew he was alive. There was no, ‘Am I dead?’ moment, he knew he was alive. He knew he was alive, and probably broken something, and he hurt all over, but especially in his mind.  _

 

This time, Evan was sure he heard knocking, then a muffled voice, then he heard the sound of a lock being clicked, and he found himself standing in front of the door, opening it. 

 

_ And then he had to pretend everything's fine. “Yikes- it’s really broken?” “Aw man, that sucks.” “Yes, I know, it’s awful.” “Hey, want to know how I broke it?” “Hi- would you please sign my cast? No? Oh, okay, that’s fine!” _

 

Connor was standing there, a numb, shocked look on his face. Evan noticed Zoe standing in the hall too. Connor said something, Evan didn’t register it, and then Connor entered the bathroom, shutting the door. 

 

_ So, that was the story. That was the full story. Every detail, every bit of context. You now know, why he did it. You know how he did it. You know the full story.  _

 

“Ev- Evan,  _ shh _ , it’s- it’s okay. Okay? Just- just, are you breathing? Wait, hold on.”

 

Evan was shaking. But he was frozen. He couldn’t register anything that was happening around him. He wanted to get out. He wanted Connor to stop talking to him,  _ because he knows _ , he wanted him to stop touching im,  _ because he knows _ , wanted him to stop fussing over him,  **_because he knows!_ **

 

“Please stop.” his voice said. 

 

“Evan, no, you’re not breathing right. You need to try to-”

 

“I need to leave.” His voice snapped, then his body got off the counter, which apparently he had been sitting on. His body opened the door, ignoring everything around him, and as soon as he reached the bottom of the stairs, he had the door open and his body was walking outside. But. It was raining. Of course. It was raining. Perfect. Sweet. Awesome. 

“Evan?”

 

Lovey.

 

“Evan! What the fu- what are you doing?”

 

Nice.

 

“Why are you- Evan, hold-  **wait** !” 

 

Wonderful. 

 

A hand suddenly grabbed his arm, and wrenched him back, the same arm wrapping around his chest. He was being led somewhere. 

 

“Evan, please, seriously, try to-to like, breath. Please, just-”

 

Evan had been in autopilot. His mind wasn’t functioning, so his body said and  did things on its own. Autopilot was now broken. He could no longer speak or move, but he was  _ thinking thinking thinking about he how he wished he had died died died died- _

 

“Evan seriously- it’s freezing out here, you’re-you’re getting soaked.” Evan now recognized the voice, and the arm as Connor’s. He hadn’t pulled the sleeve down. Evan watched as the rain began to slowly wash the “ovan” off, leaving no trace that he had done anything. 

 

“Evan, what-what do you need?” He need to die, that's what. He needs to go back in time and not grab onto that branch. That's what he needs. 

 

“Oh god, okay, okay. Um, lets just. Let’s sit down, okay? Wait, okay. Um. Evan. I’m going to hug you, tell me if I need to stop, okay?” Evan squeezed his eyes shut. A wave of shudders knocked into him, and he could barely stand, quickly latching onto Connor. 

 

“Okay, let's just. Yeah. Okay.” He started to rub a circle pattern onto Evan’s back, and Evan felt like he was drowning. 

 

“So um, I don’t- I don’t know what you need me to do unless you tell me? So, let’s just. We're gonna breath, okay?” Evan jerkily nodded his head, beyond thankful that movement was coming back.

 

“Okay, ookay- great. So, we’re gonna, uh, inhale for four seconds,” Evan’s lungs began slowly filling with air, but he was gasping and it was filling too fast and he needed it  _ out _ . 

 

“Wait no, you’re gonna hyperventilate. 

 

“‘M nothypervenilating.”

 

“Don’t argue. Inhale for four seconds.” He tried again, but the same thing happened. “Try to hold in the breath for six seconds.” Six seconds? That was impossible.

 

It took several minutes, as well as the new instruction to exhale for eight whole seconds, but Evan was starting to work down from the panic. 

 

“Can we sit down? We can stay outside, it’s just still raining and I think it's getting worse.” Evan nodded, and Connor slowly pulled his arms away, and led Evan to the porch. They sat down on the ground, covered by the porch roof. 

 

Connor kept an arm wrapped around Evan’s shoulders. 

 

“Is your breathing getting easier?” Evan nodded, losing himself in the rhythmic cycle. 4, 6, 8. 4, 6, 8. Repeat. 

 

After a while longer, Evan trusted himself to speak. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Came the whispered, shaky words. 

 

“You don’t need to feel sorry. I’m sorry if I, um, triggered that.”

 

“It was just- you did-didn’t have any wa-way of know-owing. I’m-m not mad or anyth-thing.”

 

“I still feel guilty.” Evan didn’t have an answer for that. 

 

“Do you need to talk about it?” 

 

Evan stared at the sidewalk, dark gray with water, the sky a blooming array of monotone colors. He felt like that, at the moment. He felt very dark, covered by heavy storm clouds. He very much wanted to see the sky again. 

 

“Y-yeah, I think I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumglrlrl: overcast-skies (talk to me!!!!)
> 
> I'm highly nervous to post this chapter hi please tell me what you liked or just other stuff i need encouragement k thankssss
> 
> Summary~~  
> Ok so Evan's cast has been removed and he's waiting at the hospital for Jared to pick him up. but Jared doesn't come. So, Connor comes instead, because apparently he can use his phone and car now. They end up going to Connors house and they see Zoe. Zoe and Connor have a small disagreement where its revealed Zoe has been ignoring her whole family for an entire week. Evan and Connor go to Connors room. They have a grand old time in which Connor resigns Evans new sling, misspells it "conner" and evan signs Connors arm "ovan" aww isn't that cute. Then Connor asks Evan for the full story of how he broke his arm.  
> Evan attempts to explain, while flashbacks go through his mind. His dad had been harassing him to visit him and his mom and dad got into s fight and Evan was getting a whole bunch of sensory over load, and he was spiraling and wanted it to stop. Then he accidentally tells this to Connor. Horrified, he freaks out and runs to one of the bathrooms to hide. A panic attack ensues, where it is revealed that when Evan had caught himself on the branch as he fell, he had actually let go a second time. Connor tries to help him, but then Evan flees again. He runs outside, where it has begun raining, and Connor gets him and manages to bring him down from a terrible panic attack. Then they sit and Evan starts to tell Connor about it for real this time. 
> 
> Thats about as good as I can get it, if you have questions comment and let me know


	14. And It's Graceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning  
> This Chapter: turns out no one is good at talking to people

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've almost finished fifteen, probably gonna post it tomorrow if i can remember, OR i might post it later today, who knows. I'm on winter break, so hopefully I'm gonna be able to get some more prewritten chapters? idk I'm gonna try

Evan told him everything. They sat outside, shivering, cold, wet, Connor’s arm still tight around Evan, and he told him everything.    
  
At the beginning, he worried about oversharing, or making Connor uncomfortable, but that went away pretty quickly. Whenever Evan got to a particularly difficult part, Connor would tighten his arm a bit more, or scoot a little closer, and it would slowly untangle the knot in Evan’s chest. When he got to the part about actually letting go, Connor wrapped his hand around Evan’s, squeezing it and telling him he didn’t need to talk about it if he couldn’t.    
  
An hour had passed before the two finally stood up and went inside.    
  
Before opening the door, Evan quickly wrapped his arms around Connor, hugging him tightly.   
  
“Thank you,” he whispered. “For listening a-and being there.”   
  
Connor was still, then slowly he raised his arms and hugged the other teen back.   
  
“I really didn’t do anything..” he trailed off.    
  
“Well, you-you’re the first person I’ve ev-ever told all of that, a-and you didn’t um, yell at me. So at the very least, thanks fo-or the encouragement.”    
  
Connor chuckled, and Evan could feel the movement. He wanted to stay like that longer, but then he shivered again and Connor pulled away.    
  
“Let's go inside,” he said, hands dropping to his sides. Evan had to drag his eyes away from watching them.   
  
“Ok-kay.” He managed, ducking his head as they entered.    
  
“Do you wanna shower? I can get you some of my clothes to borrow.”   
  
“Oh, um, yeah. Okay, thanks.” Connor made a grunty noise in response and began leading the way back up the stairs. 

  
As they walked down the hall that Evan had run through less than an hour ago, Connor began instructing him. 

 

“So, Zoe’s room is connected to the bathroom, so you’ll have to lock her door too, but yeah. Twist the knob to left for hot water and the right for cold. It’s pretty simple.” He paused, then spoke again, “Oh yeah, and there's towels ‘n stuff in there.” Evan nodded, entering the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. With fumbling fingers, he locked the doors to Connor and Zoe’s rooms. Next, he pulled open the shower door. It was one of those fancy fogged glass doors, and the inside was tiled in a pretty, warm colored stone. The shower nozzle didn’t look too complicated, and he twisted it to the side marked with an H. Water began spraying out and Evan took the opportunity to peel off the wet, uncomfortable clothes. He dropped the sling into a sloppy pile on the counter.   
As soon as the water hit his back, he felt himself finally breaching the panic, and he began to breathe normally.    
  
After about fifteen minutes, he shut the water off, picking up a pale yellow towel, and drying off. He wrapped the towel around the waist, and picked up all his (still damp) clothes.    
  
Twisting the lock, Evan cracked the door open. He peeked out, seeing the room empty with a small pile of clothes dropped on the bed.    
  
Evan carefully stepped out of the bathroom, snatching up the clothes, noticing his phone dropped next to them. He took that too.   
  
Re-locking the bathroom door, he got dressed. The clothes he’d been given were a pair of navy and gray plaid pajama pants, which would definitely going to be two long, a pair of boxers, and a dark green long sleeve shirt. 

 

He opened the door to the hall, glancing around. Without Connor, the house felt foreign and confusing. Evan wandered into the hall, glancing over the rail, into the downstairs. He heard the faint sound of running water and saw Zoe curled up on the couch watching something on tv that looked to be some kind of sci-fi show. He padded down the stairs, hands nervously wringing the sleeves of Connor’s shirt. He had never liked being in other people's houses alone, even people like Jared, despite having been practically raised at the Kleinman’s alongside his own house. 

 

He tentatively walked into the living room, and cleared his throat. “Er, where uh, where’s Connor?” 

 

Zoe glanced over at him, she was wrapped up in a fluffy looking dark purple blanket. 

 

“Mom and Dad’s shower, I think. Hey, are you, like okay? Connor didn’t tell me what happened, you just, like, seemed pretty upset.” 

 

“Oh, um, well, it was just, a-a whole thing, you-you know? Hard t-to explain, um, yeah.”

 

She raised an eyebrow. “Did he do something to you?”

 

“No! No, he-he was, he was good. He didn’t do anything.” 

 

Evan stood, practically vibrating, his entire fists buried in the shirt sleeves, while Zoe still sat curled up, fluidly and relaxed, like a half dead bird being watched by a cat. 

 

“M’kay. He can just be kinda,  _ grrr _ , sometimes, so I was just, like, making sure-”

 

“-No, yeah, I g-get it! It’s fine, he’s fine, you’re fine-”

 

“-Good! Good, that’s...good.” She seemed suddenly uncertain and Evan was suddenly Really Not Enjoying this conversation. 

 

He cleared his throat again. “What are you watching?”

 

“The X-Files.” Zoe answered matter-o-factly. 

 

“Oh, I-I’ve heard of that, is it-is it good?”

 

“I dunno, I’ve got no clue what’s going on.” She laughed kind of harshly towards the end of the sentence. “I’m really only watching it cause this person I’m friends with likes it, and I wanna have an idea of what she’s talking about.” 

 

“Tha-that’s nice,”

 

“I guess.” Zoe shrugged. “Do you wanna watch?”

 

“Um, I-I guess, for-for a little bit, Ican.” He dropped uncomfortably onto the couch, literally as far away from her as he could get, and stared pointedly at the screen. 

 

“Okay, so that blonde lady is Scully, she’s really, like, well, she’s really skeptical of the whole sci-fi stuff.”

 

“What a-are they talking about?”

 

“I dunno, some alien sighting.”She groaned exaggeratedly. “I honestly hate sci-fi, why am I doing this to myself.”

 

He laughed nervously, playing with the strap on his sling. 

 

They watched for about five more minutes, then Evan heard a door open and shut and a moment later Connor appeared in the hallway. 

 

“Uh, hi.”

 

“Hi!” Evan instantly stood up, then started feeling confused as to why he was standing, except he  _ couldn’t sit down, that would be weird. Like, who stands up and then immediately sits down after they talk? Lawyers? He’s not a lawyer, he hates arguing. Plus, he can never remember any of the objections and rights and whatever, so, he’d be a pretty terrible lawyer. And what if was a lawyer and had to be a defense attorney? What if he had to argue on behalf of a serial killer, but they won the case and since the serial killer wasn’t in jail, he came and murdered Evan? That would be pretty shitty, since he would have just successfully kept the guy out of jail. Wait, why was he thinking about this? _

 

“What? Sorry, did you say something?” Zoe snorted and Connor shook his head, small droplets of water flinging off. 

 

“No, do you wanna go upstairs?”

 

“Sure, yeah, um, le-let’s, yeah.”

 

After entering his room, Connor shut the door and Evan sat on the very edge of the bed. 

 

“So, uh, how are you?” Connor said uncertainty. 

 

“Um, fine.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, I’m-m fine.”

 

“Okay,” He sat down on the bed, leaving a good amount of space between them. 

 

“I’m um,” Evan stared at his hands, which sat twitching in his lap, but dragged his gaze over to Connor’s face. “I’m sorry if I screwed, um, thi-this up. I-I really don’t usually do tha-that, I swear.”

 

“No, it’s..okay. You don’t need to feel bad, I’m just. I don’t know how to handle people when they’re upset, okay? It stresses me out and I feel like I’m walking on glass around them and I can’t do anything right.”

 

“Wait, ser-seriously? But you-you seemed fine when I..”

 

“That’s cause I wasn’t thinking about it.” His voice got quiet. “I can’t do it when I have to actually think about it- I just,” He broke off, scratching at his wrist as he exhaled. “I’m just really bad at this. I don’t even- like, are we friends? I don’t- I don’t wanna screw it up by not knowing how to interact with people and I feel like that’s what's going to happen and I would really like it not to happen.” His leg started to bounce. 

 

“Oh.” Were they friends? They’d hung out, they sometimes texted, Evan did enjoy talking to him, when he wasn’t like, mid panic attack. “Y-yeah, we’re friends,” He said slowly, cautiously. “I mean, if you want to be- I guess, um, yeah.”

 

“Okay, okay, yeah.” The scratching on his wrist lessened. They were quite a bit longer when Connor said, “Do you wanna spend the night? I just- that seemed like a bad panic attack and um, you shouldn’t be alone while you’re in the mindset of that, right?” 

 

Evan felt a warm feeling rise up. “Yeah, that’s pro-probably a bad idea.” Connor grinned. 

 

“Okay, cool.”

 

“Cool.” Evan said, a smiley feeling in his words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yah its shorter than i usually make them, i just thought you guys needed a bit of an end for that scene. also I'm working on cons characterization bc i feel like I'm not truly Harnessing his personality yet, ya feel?
> 
>  
> 
> find me on tumbleweed @overcast-skies
> 
> comment what ya think. if you don't know what "ya think" then tell me when you think the boys are gonna start the pining. or if you want another POV swap, who should i swap it to? let me know, i love hearing from you guys <3333


	15. And Happy Birthday Dear Evan...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: turns out no one is good at talking to people  
> This Chapter: Evan is no longer allowed in places with "Kids Only" signs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i remembered!!!!! I'm gonna post the next chapter tomorrow, if i can remember lmao, as a Christmas present, because if I recall, it has very little angst and a lot of fluff.

Nearly a month had passed since the Incident.  Luckily, Connor hadn’t said much about it, and they had continued to talk over Thanksgiving break. Jay wasn’t at school and Evan was doing okay in therapy. He was doing okay. Not great, but not that bad. It felt kind of nice, knowing that someone out there knew, and though at times he felt kind of uncomfortable, it was usually gone pretty fast. 

 

That Sunday morning, or December third, when Evan woke up, soft yellow light was filtering through his curtains, and a note was taped to his bedside table. 

 

Picking up the sheet of paper, Evan read the words that he figured his mom had written sometime before work.

 

_ Happy birthday sweetie!!!!! _

_ I‘m leaving work early so be ready to leave at six for dinner with the Kleinman’s. There’s leftover pasta in the fridge. Have a wonderful day my little eighteen year old!! :) :) :)  _

 

Against his will, a smile filled his expression. Today was his birthday. He was eighteen. He was officially an “adult”. Okay. Okay, this was happening. 

 

Evan sat up, an unreasonably good mood lurking on the horizon. It was a Sunday, so luckily he got to sleep in. He stretched before getting out of bed and walking into the bathroom to shower. He unstrapped the sling, dropping it in a pile. It had been three weeks since he’d gotten the cast off, and he’d have one more week before the sling wouldn’t be needed and he could pretend that that nightmare had never happened. 

 

He showered quickly and got dressed, going downstairs and dropping down in front of the tv. He turned it on, the channel already on ABC, where they were, as expected, doing yet another Harry Potter marathon. Not a big deal, evan liked Harry Potter. Judging from the current scene of Hermione decking Draco Malfoy, Evan assumed it was Prisoner of Azkaban, interestingly enough, one of his favorites. Not having anything else better to do, Evan set himself up for an entire day of binge watching. 

 

About halfway through the movie, his phone lit up with a text. 

 

From Jared

12:53 p.m/ hey mazel tov dude!!! Ur an adult!!! Ahh!!

 

Evan smiled, typing out a reply.

 

To Jared

12:54 p.m/ thanks! Youre going to the dinner thing tonight, right? 

 

From Jared

12:54 p.m/ yeah, my gross sisters are gonna be there too tho :/

 

To Jared

12:55 p.m/ will jenna be?

 

From Jared

12:56 p.m/ nah she said college was suckin ass. She did “get you a present” (put her name on jackies) so theres that

 

To Jared

12:56 p.m/ its the thought that counts i guess

 

From Jared

12:57 p.m/ lmao yeah ig

 

From Jared

12.58 p.m/ k i got shit to do, ttyl

 

To Jared

12.58 p.m/ ok bye

 

Things with Jared had been…...weird. There would be times when Evan would feel  _ certain _ that the other boy totally just Hated him. Then there would be times, just now for instance, where they would be talking and Jared seemed like he was enjoying himself? He would stare blankly at Evan while he tried to tell a story, and then a few weeks later he would try to defend Evan from arguably one of the most intimidating/influential people at the school. He wouldn’t interact with him for a month, and then he would text Evan like they were best friends. 

 

So, yeah. Weird. 

 

  
It was around five pm when Evan heard the front door open, and saw his mother enter the house. 

 

“Hi honey, how was your birthday?” She smiled tiredly, crossing the room to give him a one armed hug, whilst carrying two overflowing shopping bags. 

 

“It wa-was good! I um, I marathoned Harry Potter, so um, good day.” 

 

“That sounds way more fun than my day,” She laughed, dropping the bags on the counter, and letting her purse fall onto one of the barstools, while she collapsed onto the couch. “Could you unpack those for me?” 

 

He nodded. “Did you not-t have a good day?”

 

“It was alright, but that woman, Nancy, would  _ not stop _ bothering me all day, so if I seem stressed it’s not because of you, okay?”

 

“Okay.” Heidi smiled at him tiredly. 

 

“Your uh, father wanted to talk to you.” Evan froze, the plastic strawberry container suddenly feeling like ice in his hands. 

 

“H-he did?”

 

Her tone was overflowing with forced positivity. “Uh huh, he called me the day before yesterday, asking to talk to you on your birthday. I said I would tell you, but that it was your choice if you wanted to or not.” 

 

“Oh,” His dad wanted to talk to him? That hadn’t happened since he was ten. For a few years after the split, his dad would call on birthdays, or at some time during Hanukkah. Why suddenly talk to him now, eight years later? 

 

“What do you think?” 

 

“I don’t-don’t um, I-I don’t kno-ow, um,” He stumbled over his words, avoiding his mom's eye and furiously throwing food into the fridge. 

 

“That’s okay honey, you don’t need to make a decision. Should I tell him you’re not ready?”

 

“Well, I-I-I just, I don’t  _ know _ , I don’tknow, um, I-I,” 

 

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay.” She walked over to where he stood, trembling. “Honey, it’s perfectly alright if you don’t want to talk to him.”

 

“But-but, he, he just,”

 

“He just wanted to wish you happy birthday. If you want I can sit with you while you talk.” Her blue eyes searched his face for an answer, but if there was one, he hadn’t found it yet either. 

 

“Okay,” Came Evan’s uncertain reply. Part of him wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing, but the other part was curious. 

 

“Okay.” She squeezed his shoulder, smiling. “I’ll see if now is okay?” He nodded and she pulled her phone out and began to text. A few minutes later came the confirmation that now, was indeed, okay. She looked at him again, then held the phone up to her ear. 

 

“Harry. Yes, he’s right here. Yes, I’ll be with him. No, I wou-“ She sighed, then, to Evan, “Here.” he swallowed, taking the phone and holding it against his ear. 

 

“H-hello?”

 

_ “Hi, Ev!” _ A chill ran through his body. This was his dad. He was talking to his dad. He was eighteen years old and talking to his dad for the first time in eight years. This couldn't be his reality. 

 

“Um, hi.”

 

_ “How are ya?” _

 

“I’m um, I’m okay.”

 

_ “Awesome! So, it’s the big One Eight, huh?” _

 

“Uh, y-yeah, it is.” He rubbed the back of his neck. 

 

_ “That’s cool! You uh, you got any big birthday plans? Gonna throw a party?” _

 

“Um, no. I’m going out to dinner with, um, the Kleinman's.”

 

_ “That sounds fun! Tell ‘em I said hi!” _

 

“Yeah, sure!” He would not be doing that.

 

There was a sound like a crash from the other side, and Evan heard his father sigh. 

 

_ “I should get going. It’s been great talking to you!” _

 

“Um, yeah; you too.”

 

_ “Happy birthday, bye, love you!” _ Evan felt something in his gut seize. 

 

“Bye.” Then he hung up. 

 

His eyes found his mothers as he slowly lowered the phone. 

 

“So...how was it?” She asked hesitantly.

 

“Um,” He dropped his gaze to his hands, which shook slightly as their grip on the phone tightened. “He-he said he loved me? But-but he-he doesn’t even kn-n- _ ow me _ .”

 

“Oh, sweetie. I bet that was confusing for you.”

 

He didn’t respond, instead letting himself fall into her embrace. 

 

They stood like that for a few minutes, before Heidi held him at arm's length. 

 

“Why don’t you start getting ready, I’m going to check on our reservations.” He nodded, grabbing his stuff from the couch and walking upstairs. He knew this place was  _ kinda  _ nice, but not like Super nice, so he shouldn’t dress casual, but he also shouldn’t dress like he was meeting the president (though, if he was meeting the current president, he probably wouldn’t dress very nice anyway, he wasn’t too fond of the guy). 

 

He had just finished picking out a suitable outfit, when his phone lit up. Picking it up, he found a text from Connor. 

 

From Connor

5:48 p.m/ whats up

 

To Connor

5:48 p.m/ not much, im getting ready for a dinner thing tonight

 

From Connor

5:49 p.m/ whats it for?

 

To Connor

5:51 p.m/ my birthday

 

From Connor

5:51 p.m/ ohhhhh shit

 

From Connor

5:51 p.m/ happy birthday dude

 

From Connor

5:51 p.m/ i feel kinda bad that i didn’t know

 

To Connor

5:52 p.m/ no no no dont feel bad its really ok, i didnt say anything about it, so how would you know?

 

From Connor

5:53 p.m/ idk i still feel bad though

 

“ **Evan? Are you almost ready we need to leave in like five minutes!** ” 

 

“ _ Shit,  _ **yeah Mom, hold on!** ”

 

To Connor

5:54 p.m/ its ok you dont need to feel bad, i gotta go, ill text you later

 

Not waiting for the reply, he threw the clothes on, brushed his teeth, and combed his hair in seven minutes. He stuffed his phone in his pocket and practically fell downstairs. Heidi was picking up her purse and smiled when she saw him. 

 

“Aw, you look so handsome!” He groaned.

 

“M _ om _ ”

 

“What? Can’t I tell my birthday boy that he looks so grown up?”

 

He answered in another groan. “Are you ready y-yet?” 

 

“Yeah, hold on, let me get my keys.”

 

They walked to the door and Evan grabbed his coat from the closet, pulling it on. His mom locked the door, and they got in the car. 

 

“So,” Heidi began as they pulled out onto the street, and began driving out of the small duplex. “We’re going to an Italian place called  _ Papa Rue’s _ , and the Kleinman’s are meeting us there.”

 

“Okay, that sounds good.” It was a short fifteen minute drive, when they finally parked in the lot of some brightly lit building with the words  _ Papa Rue’s _ in massive, glowing sign. 

 

“It seems nice.” He said. 

 

“It is! Carol recommended it to me.” Carol Kleinman was Jared’s mother, and Heidi’s best friend from college. They had been ecstatic when they’re pregnancies timed up and practically as soon as Jared was born (January eighth) they forced the two kids together. 

 

“Cool,” They walked inside, the bitter wind chill biting at Evan’s face. 

 

As they entered, a small figure raced towards him faster than lightning.

 

“EVAN!”

 

“Um, h-hi. Hi, Jordan.”

 

Jared’s twelve year old sister, grinned brightly up at him, dark brown hair tied back in twin braids and dark blue eyes blinked excitedly. 

 

“Aunt Heidi! C’mon, we got a table!” The girl raced back into the restaurant, weaving through the tables. The Hansen’s exchanged a playful look, before following her. 

 

They soon found Carol and Rob Kleinman, seated with four of their five children; Jared, Jasmine, Jackie and Jordan, who was resettling into her seat. Jackie was ten, and was currently sporting a pixie cut, Jasmine and Jordan were twins, but not identical, Jordan was much tanner than her sister, and Jared being the current oldest with Jenna, twenty one and last Evan saw, with cherry red hair, off in college. 

 

“Heidi, Evan, so great seeing you again!” 

 

“You too, Rob, Carol.” Heidi smiled happily. Evan felt himself relaxing; he may not particularly like people, but this was basically his second family. 

 

“So, Evan, what have you been up to?”

 

“Um,”

 

“He’s been mainly focusing on school,” Heidi answered. “Working on his college applications and stuff.” She widened her eyes comically. “It’s all happening so fast, you know?”

 

“Oh, yes.” Carol sympathized. “Back when Jenna was a senior, oh, I was so busy with the twins, and Jare-bear starting highschool,” Jared stared into his dinner plate, an extremely forced smile set harshly into his features. “It all seemed to go by in, oh, one- one big ol’ passing blur. I barely even remember it.”

 

“Oh, that sounds hectic.”

 

“It  _ so was _ ,” Her expression drooped for effect, then popped back into her chatty, carefree, normal face. “Though, I get to relive it all again, with my sweet boy!” She scrunched up her face, Jared very pointedly Not Looking at her. 

 

“But, I also have all my wonderful girlies to live through it with. Oh,” She set her fork down, which she had been waving around despite no one even having ordered yet. “Did you know what Jordan has been up to? Jordan, tell them.”

“I-”

 

“Well, she and Jasmine started junior high this year, of course, sixth grade, oh, my little babies. Before you know it, I’ll be sitting in that high school for the last time, watching my little Jaqueline go and- and get her  _ diploma _ ,” She paused and Evan thought she might start crying.

 

“ _ Mom, _ ” Jackie hissed, looking embarrassed. 

 

“Oh, my bad; I get so carried away, anyway, what was I saying?”

 

“Jordan.” Jared answered apathetically.

 

“Right!” She bhad the fork in her hand again, and began to wave it about. “So, she’s always enjoyed running, but she signed up for the track team. So it’s volley ball this semester, then next semester it’s track and field.”

“That’s exciting. Evan, you did track, right?”

“Um, in-in Sophmore year, t-to get my PE credits over with.”

“What did you think?” Carol stared at him, she had an unsettling habit of maintaining Very heavy eye contact. 

Not looking at her, “It was o-okay. I was kidna self conscious running, but um, I’m sure Jordan will do great.” 

“Well, she's been going on thirty minute runs everyday in the fall, and we’ve been  _ talking _ about getting some kind of exercise bike for her to use during winter. I was also thinking…”

Evan tuned out the rest of the conversation, offering up answers when he was spoken to, but not aptly listening. Ten minutes or so after their food arrived, Jared got up and announced that he  _ and Evan _ were gonna use the bathroom. Ignoring the Evan’s obvious confusion, Jared dragged him through the restaurant and into the bathroom. 

As soon as they door shut, Jared sighed in relief. 

“Thank. God. If I had to listen to any more of that, I would have actually shot myself in the head.”

Evan laughed, settling back against the sinks. 

“She’s no-not that bad,” He smirked, “ _ Jare-bear _ .”

“Okay, I’m gonna fucking kill you.” But he was smiling. 

“I guess I can see it though, she is rather ta-talkative.”

“Horrifically. She never shuts up, and even worse, all week long she’s been off the wall stressing about this dinner, and and as soon as it's over shes gonna act all tired and mad again.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” He shrugged. “I just need a break.”

“Okay.”

“So, what’s been hip hop happening with you?” Evan laughed somewhat nervously. 

“Um, nothing.”

“Liar. What's going on? Is it a girl or something?” _ Not quite.  _

“No, I just..”

“Is it Zoe?”

“No, I don’t-I don’t like her, um, like that anymore.”

“Okay, so what’s going on?”

“Nothing. Just, nothing.” Jared narrowed his eyes. 

“....Okay.” He checked something on his phone, then glanced at Evan again. 

“We’ve been here awhile, let’s go back before they think we;ve been making out or something,” Evan choked, while Jared sauntered out, smirking. 

  
  


An hour or so later, Heidi and Evan were walking back to the car, Evan carrying four gift bags, and Heidi the leftovers from their meals. Jared had been right; Jenna had indeed put her name on Jackie's gift, which was a giftcard to some sporting goods store, as if he would ever use that. Jared had gotten him a tree catalogue, which, embarrassingly, was probably in his top two for favorite gifts of the evening. Jasmine and Jordan also seemed to have put their names on Carol and Rob’s gift, which was a hoodie with a tree pattern on it. It made Evan wonder if the whole forest internship had trapped him in a single branding. Lastly, his mom had gotten him a journal. A really expensive looking journal. It was made of recycled materials, and it was bound in the style that still revealed the pages on the binding, which was something that Evan  _ loved _ , but that he didn’t think anyone would remember. It was really, really thoughtful, and his favorite thing he’d gotten, next to the tree catalogue, but it pained him to think of how expensive it was. How many extra shifts had his mother done to pay for the meal, the  journal, and still everything else? Dr Sherman would tell him that wasn’t something he should be worrying about, but still, it did bother him. 

Upon arriving home, Heidi said she would be up a bit later, studying for her own midterms at the community college, but Evan should go to bed. Her midterms lined up perfectly with Evan’s, the week before school let out, and over the course of half of Hanukkah. 

But, he did go to bed, he just felt bad about it, that’s all. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment or ill make evan talk to his dad again, and yes that is a threat, what are you gonna do, tell the police?


	16. And We Start Becoming Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan is no longer allowed in places with "Kids Only" signs  
> This Chapter: Evan and Connor hang out and have a nice day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas (if you celebrate, if you don't, then this is just a gift to celebrate the Religiously Ambiguous Holiday Season), here is some fluff. I don't say it enough, but i really do love each of you who have read this, enjoyed it, left kudos, followed it, left comments. It makes me beyond happy that there are people who like this.   
> Love you xxx

“This must be the most stupid human in the world. No, you know what, I’m gonna invent a time machine, go back in time, and do the whole Gordon Ramsay “idiot sandwich” thing.”

 

Evan laughed, while Connor attempted to look mad. They were at Evan’s house, watching a movie that Connor had picked out. It was supposed to be a horror film, but so far, the only thing “scary” was how little they were paying attention to it. Every few minutes Connor would make a comment that would send Evan into fits of laughter, and of course, that only encouraged the other teen to keep doing it. 

 

“I mean, I get that this was made in the eighties and that people had low morals back then,” Evan snorted. “But seriously? Who’s going to walk into some creepy attic at two am cause,  _ oh, she heard spooky noises _ .”

 

“If you do-don’t shut up, then we’ll never know.” Evan teased, and Connor rolled his eyes. Two minutes later, when the main characters sister got stabbed, Connor through a handful of popcorn at the screen, shouting, “ _ I FUCKING CALLED IT _ ”.

 

“I hope you know this is the last time I’m ever watching a movie with you.” Evan deadpanned, picking up the remote.

 

“That’s bull, I’m an amazing movie watching buddy.”

 

Evan scoffed. “You a-are not. You talk  _ constantly _ .”

 

“My commentary is hilarious.” Connor argued back. 

 

“It’s annoying.” Evan tried to make his face serious, but it was becoming increasingly difficult, especially with Connor pouting like that. 

 

“You’re annoying.” Evan’s serious expression crumbled, and he snickered. 

 

“See- you do like my commentary.” Evan buried his face in one of the pillows he’d stolen from upstairs. 

 

“I do not.” Came his muffled reply. 

 

“Yes, you do. You’re laughing, see?”

 

“No, I’m not. And also, you’re the worst.” Connor laughed, it was a sort of light, breathless kind of laugh, the kind you don’t hear so much as see. He lowered the pillow slightly, his face a little red from laughing, however, it only got redder. Connor had a soft, relaxed smile on his face, and although he had started out with his hair pulled back in ponytail, several strands of hair had escaped and fell across his shoulders and suddenly Evan’s face felt hot and why did he feel tingly? He dropped the pillow, sitting back up, stomach twisting slightly when Connor glanced at him. 

 

“Um, I’m gonna just, I’ll be- I’ll be right back.” He lept up, trying to walk calmly to the downstairs bathroom, but suddenly hyper-aware of every single movement he made. Only when he had locked the bathroom door behind him, was he able to breathe normally again. 

 

What. The. Hell. Was.  _ That? _

 

He splashed a bit of water onto his face, just focusing on steadying his breaths. Okay.  _ Okay.  _

 

So that was….something? What even was that? 

 

After about two minutes of feeling more confused than he’d felt in his life, Evan decided it was time to face the music. Creeping through the kitchen he peered into the living room to see Connor scrolling through something on his phone. 

 

He coughed. “What’s, um, hip hop happening?” 

 

Connor suddenly made a choking noise, and Evan got a flashback to when they’d first met and Connor had nearly died when Evan said he was stalling. 

 

“What’s ‘hip hop happening’?” 

 

Evan screwed up his face. “Yeah it’s, um, Jared? Says that sometimes, I don’t know, I..” He trailed off, chewing on his lip. 

 

“Wow, okay. Anyway, c’mere, look at what I found.” Evan’s face reddened even more, if that was possible.

 

“Kay,,” He sat down  _ near _ Connor, leaning over to look at the phone. 

 

“So, I searched up the Wikipedia for this movie an-”

 

“Are you serious.”

 

“Yes, now listen. Remember when we first started the movie and I said that the killer wasn’t going to be the creepy old man but it was actually gonna be the main characters girlfriends brothers girlfriends dad?”

 

“Um, what?”

 

“I was RIGHT! I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!” Connor then proceeded to throw more popcorn at the tv. 

 

“I don’t know whether to be scared or im-impressed.”

 

“Oh, impressed for sure. I must be some kind of goddamn genius.” 

 

“Alright Einstein, si-since you already know how it ends and just spoiled it fo-for me, you get to clean up all the popcorn while I finish ac-actually watching it.”

 

“Noooo…” Connor groaned, dramatically falling back and sliding off the couch at glacial speed. 

 

“Yesss,” Evan mimicked, pushing him onto the floor.

 

“Asshole,” Connor stuck his tongue out at him and Evan rolled his eyes, unpausing the movie. 

 

Needless to say, when the killer was revealed and Connor smirked at him in a  _ I told you I was right _ kind of way, Evan wasn’t too disappointed. 

 

“Whatever, I just wanted to see the end.”

 

“I know, but I mean, come on. You’re impressed I guess the end.” 

 

“I thought we already agreed I was impressed?” 

 

“We did, but I think you were just saying that so I would pick up the popcorn.” He raised an eyebrow. 

 

“I mean, you’re right, but I was gonna make you clean up the popcorn no matter what, so..” He shrugged. 

 

“So this was all a ploy to make me do all the work?”

 

“Bingo.” Evan grinned. 

 

“I feel betrayed.”

 

“Aw, poor baby.”

 

“Judas.” 

 

“I’m Jewish, I don’t know what that is.”

 

“Evan Hansen, you are literally the fucking worst.” Evan fell onto his side, hugging a pillow to his face while he straight up cackled. 

 

“This is not funny, Hansen! You’re a bad person!” 

 

“Wha-what? I can’t hear you over the sound of me throwing more popcorn on the floor.” 

 

“EVAN-” 

 

“Oh nooooo..”

 

“DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE-”

 

“Ah… whoops.”

 

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

 

“Love you too.” 

 

Evan froze as soon as the words left his mouth. 

 

“Um, li-like, platonically, uh, obvi-obviously.” He couldn't even imagine how red his face was. 

 

“Right.” Connor said shortly. 

 

“I’m sorry, I made it all weird, just-just-justit’s notabig deal, ok-kay?”

 

“Okay?” Connor glanced at him, still sitting on the floor. Evan fidgeted. 

 

“Do you wanna watch another movie?” Evan looked up again. 

 

“Ok-k-kay,,” 

 

“Okay.” Connor dropped onto the couch, picking up the remote and looking through Netflix. He stopped after a moment, peering at Evan out of the corner of his eye. 

 

“You’re hands are shaking.”

 

“O-oh.”

 

“You okay?”

 

“Um, y-yeah.” 

 

“It’s not a big deal, seriously.” 

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Evan.” Evan looked up, Connor out a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. “It’s okay.”

 

A chill went down his spine. “Yeah, okay. I’m okay.” 

 

“Good. Does this look okay?” He nodded at the TV, which displayed another old looking movie. 

 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” 

 

“Cool.”

  
  
  


Connor went home sometime around eight and Heidi got home around ten. Evan was still on the couch, hugging the pillow while he watched an episode of  _ The Fosters _ . 

 

“I’m home.”

 

“Oh, hi Mom.” He sat up, pausing the show. 

 

“I hope you haven’t been doing that all day.”

 

“No,” He shook his head. “Connor came over and we hung out for awhile.” 

 

“Ah, that’s good. Midterms are coming up soon, right?”

 

“Yeah, next week.”

 

“Have you been studying?”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

“That’s..good.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“So, you’ve been hanging out with Connor a lot lately, huh?”

 

“Yeah, well he’s my only friend.”

 

“What about Jared?”

 

Evan shrugged. “He doesn’t like me all that much.”

 

“Hm, I see. I’m gonna go take a nap, is that alright?”

 

“Oh, um, yeah that’s fine.”

 

“Okay. Oh, before I forget, I made you another appointment with Dr Sherman next Thursday after school, I know it’s been awhile since you’ve gotten to see her, right?”

 

“Yeah, um, a few weeks I think.”

 

“Good, well, you’ll get to talk to her about..things.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“You know, I was looking at her site the other day, and I saw something interesting.”

 

“What?”

 

“Well, under the things she specializes in, it had, you know, like uh, teens, depression, anxiety, right. But I saw, it also had LGBT friendly on it.”

 

Evan coughed. “Oh, that’s cool.”

 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She watched him for a moment, then went up to her bedroom, shutting the door. 

 

“Huh,” He whispered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> looks like ev man may have had a rather startling realization......
> 
>  
> 
> also, c'mon, did you really think the entire chapter would just be fluff?? this is me we're talking about, but i tried to do as little angst as possible. 
> 
>  
> 
> I've got a plan for the next two chapters, i just gotta write them.no promises when exactly they'll be out, but I'm gonna shoot for some time this week for at least one
> 
>  
> 
> tundlerlr: @overcast-skies


	17. Reclusive. Like a tropical fish.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan and Connor hang out and have a nice day.  
> This Chapter: *to the tune of santa clause is coming to town* Heeeiiiiiiidie's fam is comin' to town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm at like sixty pages in the "chapters 11-20" google doc i have. 
> 
> also
> 
> HAPPY NEW YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
> 
> (don't even talk to me about the chapter title. i wanted to highlight evan not liking meeting people and this was all i could think of. leave me alone)

“Can you carry that in for me?” 

  
Evan and Heidi were buying decorations for Hanukkah. That meant, they had boxes upon boxes of blue and white _Holiday_ string lights to put on the tree outside. And Heidi, somehow, found Hannukah themed sweaters, which was a miracle in itself; it would have been a crime to not get those too. They also got a few inflatable wintery creatures, like a penguin and a polar bear. Evan had not yet been told why exactly they were decorating this year, all they  normally had was the hanukiah, and that was a family heirloom. 

 

“Sure,” He grabbed the box of lights out of the trunk, and walking through the open front door and set the box down by the stairs, which were close enough to the entry way that Evan could do that quickly and then jog outside again to help more. 

 

“These are the last ones.” She handed him a box and took the other for herself, shutting the trunk.

 

As they walked inside, Heidi bagan speaking. It was the kind of voice she used when she was being especially wary of Evan anxiety, and since he could recognize that tone so easily now, it gave him more anxiety whenever she talked like that.

 

“So, Evan, you remember my brother, right?”

 

“Uncle Fred?” He hadn’t seen his uncle since the Summer before the divorce, when he was only six. He remembered the man was funny though, and would play lots of games with him, and took him out for ice cream a few times. 

 

“Yeah,” She smiled. “Well...I invited him to visit for Hanukkah. And, he’s bringing his family.”

 

“Oh,” Uncle Fred did not have a family when Evan was six. He wasn’t too sure how to respond.

 

“Is that alright?” She picked up a few more boxes from the stairs, and carried them the few steps it took to drop them on the coffee table, Evan did they same, then he st at the counter while she poured them both some water. 

 

“Ye-yes, that’s fine.”

 

“Great.” She looked relieved. “It’ll just be him, his daughter, Violetta, and his partner, Phoenix.”

 

He took the glass from her, taking a sip. “Partner?”

 

“Fred told me that Phoenix is gender fluid, going between male and female, and since it’s usually an even blend, he just uses partner.”

 

“Oh, that’s cool.” 

 

“He identified as gay for so long, I was kind of surprised that he’d started calling himself bisexual after he met her.”

 

“Uncle Fred was gay?” he nearly choked on his drink.

 

“Yes? Has been for most of his life, it just never really came up.” She answered thoughtfully. 

 

“And I didn’t ev-even know?” He asked.

 

“Like I said, it never came up. He didn’t date for a really long time, actually, I suppose that’s why you didn’t know.” She set her drink on the counter, drying her hands off on a pink towel by the stove. 

 

“That’s...crazy.” He said, still slightly shell shocked. 

 

She laughed. “Anyway, we probably need to go to the store again and get an air mattress or two, I’d offer them your room, but I think your beds too small.”

 

He nodded. “When a-are they getting here?” 

 

“Five days, they’re getting here Saturday, and they’ll be leaving on the last day of Hanukkah.”

 

“Wait, but schools still going on next week, what’s their kid gonna do?”

 

“Violetta? She does online school, Fred said that she learns better in that kind of environment than at public school.”

 

“That sounds cool, then.” 

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

 

“Good.” She smiled.

 

Evan slid off the barstool, picking up his water. “I’m gonna go study, since I’ve my midterms start this week.”

 

“Oh, I’ve meant to ask you what your test schedule was for all those.” 

 

“Um, I’ve got my language this Friday, and then the rest are during the last week before break, so I’ve go-got time still.”

 

“Good, I do want you to study a lot this weekend. If you need help, ask me.” She smiled. 

 

“Ok-kay, cool!” he paused. “Oh, is it okay if I go to Connor’s house after sc-school tomorrow? I told him that I’d ask.” Heidi’s expression changed into something Evan couldn’t quite read.

 

“Sure, what are you two gonna do?”

 

He shrugged. “I’m no-ot sure, we’ll probably just hang out or, um, or something.”

 

“Sounds fun.” She smiled, taking another sip of her water. 

  
  
  
  
  


“Evan? What are you doing?” Heidi yelled upstairs. 

 

He set his phone down. “Texting Connor?” He was on his bed, laying on his stomach. It was the second day of winter break, the day his relatives would be arriving. 

 

“I need you to help me set up a guest bedroom!” He groaned. 

 

“Fine!” 

 

To Connor

12:41 p.m/ hey i gtg help my mom prep a guest room? Ill ttyl.

 

From Connor

12:41 p.m/ k bye

Evan crept downstairs, finding his mother standing in the living room, hands on her hips. 

 

“So, I’ve thought about it, and I think the only place we have space for the air matress is in here.”

 

“Here?” He asked dumbly, looking around. 

 

“Yeah, we’ll need to move the coffee table somewhere else, and that couch,” She pointed to the one sat against the wall. “Will probably have to be a bed for Violetta.”

 

“Ok-kay, what do you need me for?”

 

“Help me move the table and then get blankets, pillows, and sheets from upstairs.” She instructed. Together, they carried the table into the fire, and Evan darted upstairs to collect as much bedding as he possibly could. He carried it back downstairs, a massive heap in his arms. The mattress is in the process of blowing up, and he and Heidi begin sorting through the bedding. He puts sheets on the couch, layering a few blankets on it, as well as a pillow. Next, he turned to the air mattress, prepared to ask his mother if he should start fixing it up as well, only to find her texting.

 

She looked up, smiling halfheartedly. “It’s your uncle. Says they’re about to start boarding the plane. It’s only an hour and a half flight, but the airports forty five minutes away, so I’m going to take a shower now.” She sighed, pushing a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and smiling again. “Can you finish this up?”

 

“Yeah, sure,” He answered, nodding. 

 

“Great, thanks.” She went upstairs, leaving him alone. Evan let out a small sigh, finished setting up the air mattress, and collapsed onto the empty couch. His phone was still upstairs, so instead he just closed his eyes, listening to the distant sound of the shower running. 

 

He had felt very confused lately. It had been about a week and a half since Evan realized he Maybe Possibly Kind of Sort of May have a Tiny Hardly Even There crush on his friend. Even calling it crush didn’t feel accurate, it wasn’t even a crush, probably. It was a weird, short lived infatuation type thing. He was just so caught up in having a close friend that he spent a lot of time with, and could talk to, and that he thought about a lot, it was just too much for his weak mind to handle. So, it went and made Evan think he had a crush on...that friend. Not even real.

 

“Evan?”

 

“Huh?” He sat up; his mom was standing at the base of the stairs, holding her purse and looking at him with concern. 

 

“You were completely spaced out, I’d been saying your name for a minute.”

 

“Oh, um, sorry. Are you-are you leaving?”

 

“Yep, by the time I’m back, you’ll get to meet your cousin!” 

 

“Yay!” He replied with an equal amount of forced enthusiasm. 

 

“Alright, I’ll let you know when I’ve got them! Bye, love you!”

 

“Bye!” She pulled on her coat, and the door slammed, leaving Evan in eerie silence. 

 

He decided to go up to his room, that way it wouldn’t feel quite so empty. Grabbing his phone off his bed, he found a few texts from Connor. 

 

From Connor

2:48 p.m/ i just found out for new years, we’re going to the same shitty ski resort we go every fucking year with the same shitty family who no one even likes

 

From Connor

2:48 p.m/ and its gonna suck assssssss

 

To Connor

4:53 p.m/ when do you get back from the new years eve thing?

 

While he waited for an answer, he collapsed on his bed, stiffly holding the phone above his head as he clicked open his rarely used Instagram, scrolling through the feed. At one point, he saw a short video of Zoe. It showed her decked out in a scarf, hat, and winter coat. She was stood on a patch of icy grass, and as an off camera voice said “go” she sprinted onto an iced over driveway, immediately falling to the ground dramatically, triggering a loud chorus of off camera laughter. Careful not to like it, he checked the date- a week ago, the last time they had had ice. Stupid un-chronological feeds. Evan then got the notification that Connor answered, clicking back onto the conversation.

 

From Connor

4:57 p.m/ january fourth

 

To Connor

4:57 p.m/ oh okay, that’s not that long

 

From Connor

4:57 p.m/ ig not, but its gonna be painful as fuck

 

To Connor

4:58 p.m/ yeah. My moms actually heading to the airport right now to pick up my uncle and his family, who ive never met

 

From Connor

4:58 p.m/ oh yikes 

 

To Connor

4:58 p.m/ I’ve only met my uncle once, and i was only six then. Now he's married, and he's got a kid and i have to spend all of hanukkah with them

 

From Connor

4:59 p.m/ sorry dude, ive gotta go

 

To Connor

4:59 p.m/ oh, okay bye

 

Wandering downstairs, Evan grabbed an apple off the counter. He and his mom usually didn’t make a very big deal out of Hannukah, not usually doing more than just the candles. She said nothing would really be changing this year, she just wanted to spend it with more family. But the thought of spending it with people he barely knew…...not a very appealing concept. Still, he decided he would try, for his mom, at least. He heaved a sigh, he sat up. He felt painfully bored. Evan wanted to  _ do _ something, but the one person who he would actually want to  _ do _ something with was no longer an option. Oh, sure, he could always text Jared, but the odds of getting any kind of reply were rather slim. He stood up, crossing the room to his desk, and beginning to dig through the drawers. Pulling out a notebook he’d nearly forgotten existed, he flipped the yellow cover open, revealing the first page. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ today is going to be a good day and here is why: my therapist gave me a new homework thing? Wait, homework doesn’t sound right. It’s like- an assignment? I guess? Something I have to do and then show her? I’m getting off track. I’m doing a new technique that should help with my self hate! Yay! I just need to write about why it’s going to be a good day today. It’s going to be a good day, because today, I’m going to actually try to be less mopey.  _

 

Evan half smiled, that hadn’t quite worked. He’d had a panic attack that night because he couldn’t get himself to order dinner, but he was worried his mom would get mad at him if he didn’t. He turned the page. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today will be a good day because A. I got the position for one of the interns at Ellison state park this summer! Now, I won’t be sitting in bed doing nothing all day, AND I’ll get to hang around nature all day. And B. School ends in four days. This is the last week. Then I’ll be out of this place for three months and come back with only a year left! So yeah- good day. _

 

That  _ had _ been a pretty good day, he’d been in a good mood about the internship for most of school, and he got his grade on his english final, which ended up being an A. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Three more days. Three more days of school then I’m done all Summer. I can do this? _

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Two more. I’m feeling really really horrible right now, but two more days. Then I’m done. Then I’m done.  _

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ This is the last day. Today is going to be a good day because its the last day of school, its only a half day, and I cannot wait!!!! _

 

The rest of the letters seemed to blur together. At least a month into the letters, he started having to skip entries after reading the line  _ “I heard my mom complaining about my dad and I feel really horrible and it seems impossible for there to ever be a good day again”.  _

 

Right after that was,  _ “Dear Evan Hansen, I genuinely can’t imagine life getting any better- or worse, than it is right now. Mom was talking loudly and drunk last night and I couldn’t sleep and I still have to go to ellison and i feel so awful and jittery i feel disconnected from my body and everything is loud and bright and bad.” _ then  _ “i don't want to write another one. Not after yesterday. Yesterday was a bad day. Today will be a good day because yesterday is over.”  _ then  _ “can this summer please be over? Sure, i don't want to go back to school, but i don't like being alone with myself even more.” _ and soon he found himself just flipping page after page, barely reading the pages, and then he stopped. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ School starts next week. I told Dr Sherman these weren’t working, and she said to try typing them up instead, that way I can print it out, delete it, give it to her, and be done with it. I’ll try that. I feel like this is being shoved down my throat. Its not working. I dont like myself any more than when i first started these. I really dislike this. Like, a lot. Today will be a good day because: soon i won't be trapped in these endless loops of depressing thoughts. Yeah, sure.  _

 

He steadied his breath. That was certainly a roller coaster. With a slightly shaky hand, he picked up a pencil, and flipping to a clean page, he wrote:

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Hi. It’s kind of been a long time? I don’t really write these anymore, I think after a couple sessions of telling Dr Sherman they weren’t working, she kind of got the message? Also- I have an actual friend. So, past me, you’re right, you won’t really be alone. Also, I’m-you’re?-we’re? Eighteen now. An adult! And Jareds been weird, but also nice. And it's been really bad, but also pretty good? It’s better, I think. I mean, I still constantly feel weighed down by the thought that everyone around me hates me, but at the same time it’s just. It feels better. My mental health may be about the same, but I do feel happier more often. Or, at least, I’ve given myself more opportunities to be happy, I think. So, today is going to be a good day, because it’s better. Sort of. No, it’s better. I’m better. I am getting better.  _

  
  
  
  


The sound of the front door opening, broke Evan out of the near death experience that was watching conspiracy videos on YouTube. He shut his laptop, running a hand through his hair, and dashed down the hall. Freezing at the top of the stairs, just hidden from sight, voices drifted upward. The clattering sound of wheels on wood floor, and footsteps, and the sound of “Evan? Get down here and help us carry bags!” filled the air. 

 

He padded down the steps, turning the corner to go outside and crashed into a man. 

 

“Oh! Evan, so good to see you!” It was….Uncle Fred. He had the same blond hair that Heidi possesed, though his was a tad darker, and a scruffy beard. He had wide shoulders and a thick black coat on, as well as a hat. He wore a backpack and dragged a suitcase behind him. 

 

“Oh, um, hi.”

 

“Here, give me a hug!” He set the suitcase down, and wrapped Evan up in a tight, suffocating hug. 

 

“You’re so...tall. And old.” Uncle Fred said a moment after they pulled away. “How old are you now?”

 

“Um, eighteen.”

 

“God, where have the years gone by?” He laughed. It had been nearly twelve years, but the memories Evan had of his uncle were coming back. He was loud, extroverted, and seemed to be everywhere at once; overreacting and laughing and always so much. Evan hadn’t really had anxiety as a child, and felt himself already shrinking while talking to the man. 

 

“Um, yeah.”

 

“Here- set this down for me, will you? I gotta help the family.” 

 

“Oh, sure.” He took the backpack and suitcase, setting them carefully beside the air mattress. He turned around in time to see a short girl walk in. This must be the daughter, Violetta. She had a dark tan and brown hair pulled up in two small buns on her head, and wore clear rimmed glasses. How old was she? Thirteen? Evan was nowhere near that cool looking when he was thirteen. 

 

She dragged a silver, plastic suitcase behind her, and he noticed shiny blue headphone peeking out from underneath her hat. Violetta regarded him, an angry expression on her face. Evan decided not to try and start a conversation. Instead, he went out the front door, to where the car was parked, and three people- Heidi, Uncle Fred, and presumably Phoenix unloaded the last few things from the trunk. 

 

“C-can I, um, help with anything?”

 

“Oh, Evan! Why don’t you have a coat on?”

 

“I, um-”

 

“Nevermind, here bring this inside.” His mother waved him over, handing him a duffle bag. He shot a quick look to Phoenix. She (or he? Evan suddenly felt very panicked at not knowing what pronouns to use them in his internal monologue) had dark skin and braids pulled back in a ponytail. A knitted red scarf hung around her neck and a matching black coat completed the winter outfit. 

 

He carried the bag in, a thousand thought suddenly coursing through his mind. What if he tried to talk to Phoenix,  _ instantly _ misgendered her/him, and they hated him forever? It would be a really awful first impression, but then again, so would be having a panic attack over it. 

 

Reentering the warmth of his house, he set the duffle bag on the floor. Violetta had sat down on a barstool, headphones still on, and had started texting. He waited a moment, and soon the rest of the adults were inside and Heidi was plugging in the space heater. Phoenix and Fred sat on the couch, and Evan uncomfortably sat on the other empty barstool. Heidi began conversing and Evan felt very, very Out Of Place. 

 

“Vi- off your phone, talk to your cousin!” Phoenix’s nagging voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and Violetta groaned exaggeratedly, but took off her headphones and put her phone down. She stared coldly at Evan before sighing again. 

 

“Do you like music?” Her tone was very much Annoyed and that was very much the tone Evan didn’t like to hear. 

 

“Oh, um, I-I guess. I like cer-certain kinds.”

 

“Like what?” 

 

“Um, like, instru-instrumentals, mostly. Um, I do like, uh, lofi, I think the genre is called.”

 

“Oh. So not real music then?” 

 

He suddenly felt defensive. “How is tha-that not real music?”

 

Violetta rolled her eyes. “Like, actual singing?”

 

“Oh, well, I think it’s all equa-equally music.”

 

“Whatever. Do you like rock?”

 

“No-not really.”

 

“Great,” She muttered. “What about pop?”

 

“I don’t listen to-to a lot of pop music, sorry.”

 

She sighed  _ and  _  rolled her eyes this time. “Awesome. I’m gonna keep texting my friend.”

 

“Oh, okay.” he stared at his hands. So much for a good first impression. At least an hour later, Heidi let him excuse himself, saying they should get settled in. He collapsed in bed, already feeling completely exhausted. He knew they’d be doing the hanukiah before dinner, and his mom would be upset if he missed either of those, but not a single bone in his body felt up to interacting with anyone. Well, maybe one person. 

 

To Connor

6:56 p.m/ hi, im completely exausted rn, who knew talking to people was so draining?

 

To Connor 

6:56 p.m/ oh wait, I did

 

From Connor 

6:58 p.m/ is your family all there?

 

To Connor

6:58 p.m/ yeah, i am Not enjoying myself

 

From Connor

6:58 p.m/ yikes. What happened? What are they like? Give me ALLLLLLLL the details ;))))

 

From Connor

6:58 p.m/ im sorry that was terrible

 

Evan smirked, holding back a laugh. 

 

To Connor

6:58 p.m/ well, my aunt/uncle has yet to interact with me, and im terrified of misgendering them so i dont want to say anything, my uncle who i know is Very loud, and my cousin despises me

 

From Connor

6:59 p.m/ 1. Your aunt/uncle is lgbt?? Thats so cool. But like, just talk to them. Probablyll be pretty cool 2. You can deal with loud, if you go to the same school i do, god knows youre used to it 3. Ok but like its literally impossible to not like you??? So theres some lack of communication going on there

 

To Connor

6:59 p.m/ lack of communication is right, she barely had a full conversation with me. And also, i know i can technically handle the loud, i just get jump scared by it so easily

 

From Connor

7:00 p.m/ i’m sure you’ll be great, and you better keep me updated, but my mom just screamed that dinners ready and i dont really feel like starting world war three by ignoring her, so i gtg

 

To Connor

7:00 p.m/ okay, good luck

 

From Connor

7:00 p.m/ you too

  
  
  
  


Dinner and the hanukiah lighting was….uneventful. He learned via a loud groan of “Daa _ aaad. _ ” that Phoenix was, at the moment, male, so he didn’t feel quite as scared to talk to him. He also wasn’t sure when he’d last seen his mom this happy. She seemed completely relaxed talking to Uncle Fred, and that seemed to help Evan calm down a bit too. After dinner, Heidi opened a bottle of wine, and Uncle Fred made a comment about Evan being an adult and if he wanted to drink some, he could, which made Evan deeply uncomfortable. He also washed dishes with Uncle (?) Phoenix, and they chatted about how cold it was outside and if there was any snow expected. There was no big disaster, or epic humiliation that would scar Evan for the rest of life. It was just...a dinner. 

 

An incredibly draining dinner that led to Evan crawling into bed at midnight without brushing his teeth or even changing clothes, and just going right to sleep. The next morning, he awoke feeling no less tired than the night before. His mibs felt as though they weighed a hundred pounds, and the heavy blankets heaped on top of him just added to the deep set feeling of tiredness in his body. He cracked his eyes open, the painfully bright light pouring through the uncurtained window, drenching his room in a wash of sunlight that felt like the equivalent of a herd of people screaming at him to wake up. So, he did. Wiping a crust of drool from around his mouth, he stumbled into the bathroom, splashing water onto his face. He brushed his teeth, washed his face again, went to the restroom, washed his face again, finally dried his face and only then did he feel somewhat awake. Remembering that he now had company, he gave himself a once over in the mirror. He was, indeed, still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, which wasn’t the look he really felt like going for. Instead, he changed into a pair of flannel pajama pants and a dark gray t shirt. He picked up his phone, creeping down the hall to peer of the balcony. Heidi was sat at the barstool, chatting with Uncle (??? that was what he’d said, but what if he had changed to female at some point and Evan didn’t know? He felt very paranoid) Phoenix. They each held a coffee. They were speaking quietly, though, as Violetta, Uncle Fred, and, as far as they knew, Evan were all still sleeping. 

 

He slowly edged down the steps, giving an uncertain wave when Heidi smiled and wished him good morning. 

 

“Can I get you something to eat? We have leftover muffins from yesterday.”

 

“Okay,” he nodded, and Heidi smiled getting up and opening up the fridge. 

 

“Morning, Evan.” Uncle Phoenix said politely. 

 

“Good morning,” He stood awkwardly near the counter, not wanting to take his mom's seat, but not knowing what else to do with himself. 

 

“Any big plans for today?” Uncle Phoenix asked after taking a long sip of coffee. 

 

“Um, I don’t- not yet, I don’t think.”

 

“What about Connor?” Heidi asked. “Do you think you’ll see him today?”

 

“Oh, um, I- we haven’t, uh, we haven’t made plans yet. But, um, may-maybe.”

 

“Who’s Connor?” Uncle Phoenix asked, scratching his chin tiredly. 

 

“Evan’s friend from school. They hang out nearly everyday.” She laughed.

 

“Not  _ every _ day!” He wasn’t sure why he suddenly felt defensive over his and Connor’s friendship. 

 

“ _ Nearly _ everyday, though.” Heidi restated. 

 

“That sounds nice. I had a friend like that when I was younger. Marie, her name was.” Uncle Phoenix mused. “We would talk everyday and saw each other all the time.”

 

“That’s just like Evan and Connor! Those two are practically inseparable!”

 

“ _ Mom! _ ” He hissed, feeling himself go red. “That’s-that’s kind of exaggerated.”

 

She didn’t seem to understand the turmoil that he was going through. “I remember the first time I met Connor. He was rather polite, but I overheard them talking and it seems like all they do is bicker.” She chuckled. “I’m sure that’s one of the reasons Evan likes him so much.” 

 

Evan felt like he was being burned alive. He could feel the heat of his blush radiating off his face and neck and every bit of skin on his body. 

 

“That’s so sweet!” Uncle Phoenix smiled. “Violetta has a friend like that too. Emma. Sweet girl, very friendly and very smart. The two met in third grade and are pretty much attached at the hip. Third grade was also coincidentally the year we decided to pull Vi out of school, so their ability to stay friends is rather impressive. When did you and Connor meet?” He asked Evan, who had been busy eating the muffin his mother handed to him. 

 

“Oh, um, this-this year.”

 

“Really? How?” 

 

“Um, he...found a paper that I had lost and gave it back to me. And um, we-we started talking after that.” Yeah. No need to mention anything else that went down.

 

Heidi and Phoenix chatted for a long while after that, Evan snacking on his muffin the whole while in an attempt to avoid the conversation. Uncle Fred got up soon, and then a new round of muffins and coffee was distributed, the former Evan accepted eagerly. They talked for a while, and then some time around ten, Violetta got up and Evan received his third muffin of the morning. 

 

So, all in all, it was an okay way to start the day. 

 

The morning fell into the afternoon in a slow, leisurely way, as if it had plenty of time to get there and wasn’t worried about being late. Sometime around five pm, Evan received the text he had mostly been expecting. It was from Connor, asking if he wanted to “hang out or something”. After a quick pleasant confirmation from his mother, Evan responded with a “yeah sure!” 

 

And that's what led up to him coming downstairs around seven for dinner, which they ate quickly and quietly because Violetta was mad for some reason. Some ten minutes into eating, she excused herself, storming out to the porch. Connor said he’d pick Evan up around eight, so Evan got ready quickly. Around eight, Connor called him, saying he was around five minutes away. So, Evan went outside. And nearly tripped over a figure he had assumed had come inside by then.

 

“Violetta?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +oooooooh cliff hanger :00000000
> 
> +drinking game: take a shot every time heidi tries to get evan to talk about connor
> 
> +what are your thoughts on Evans newly introduced relatives? love em? hate em? mostly neutral cause you only just now met em?
> 
> +tundrlr: overcast-skies


	18. I am not lost; I am not found (part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last This Chapter: *to the tune of santa clause is coming to town* Heeeiiiiiiidie's fam is comin' to town  
> This Chapter: Zoe and Larry talk, which is good since their last interaction sucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm at seventy four pages now. I've beat the chapter 1-10 doc, cause its only at sixty something, i think

“What. What the fuck do you want?” 

 

“Mom said it's time for fucking dinner, asshole!” Zoe had been banging her fist repeatedly against her brothers bedroom door for nearly two minutes. Normally, she interacted with Connor as little as possible, but her mother had asked her to nicely ask Connor to come down, so that’s what she did. Nicely asked him to come down. Inside her head. Not out loud. Connor actually had yet to hear her nicely ask him anything, and she planned on keeping it that way. 

 

“I’m not going!” 

 

“Too fucking bad! Now get out!”

 

“Go away!”

 

“Fine! I’ll just remind Dad of his idea to take away your door again!” She paused, waiting for him to respond. Then, a lock clicked, and the door swung open, revealing (*trumpet noises*) her brother. 

 

“Wow, you look like shit.” 

 

“Right back at ya.” 

 

“No, like seriously.” She rolled her eyes as he stormed past her, ignoring her save for the one quick comeback. “Like, have you even showered once in the past week?”

 

“I never go anywhere, whats the fucking point?”

 

“Uh, no, you go places constantly. Remember Evan Hansen?”

 

“Yes, I remember Evan Hansen.” He snapped through gritted teeth. He was faced away from her, Zoe still standing at his now open door, and him a few feet from the stairs. 

 

“So, you do go places, with him.”

 

“What exactly are you trying to prove right now?” He snapped, turning around to glare at her.

 

Her shoulders tensed up, huffing irritably. “Just that you’re not as fucking lonely and pathetic as you act all the time.” Zoe stormed past him, blocking out whatever he shouted back at her, trying to keep the mindset of her having the last word. Of her standing up for herself again. 

 

Truthfully, since her outburst a few months ago, Zoe had barely acted out. It felt good, at the time,  _ until her dad hit her _ , speaking her mind. It made her feel invincible. It made her feel….like Connor. Which, wasn’t something she wanted to feel like. Her brother was psychotic, evil, mean, somehow roping one of the most innocent kids in the school into being his friend, which honestly, Zoe didn’t understand. But whatever kept him out of the house, she was okay with.

 

She did rather like saying exactly what she thought and not particularly caring what people thought of it, which was something her brother did on the daily. 

 

Reaching the base of the stairs, she felt someone grab her arm and roughly shove her out of the way. Connor. Restraining herself from pushing him over, Zoe instead tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, and breathed in, exhaling slowly. She took a seat at the dinner table, calmly. Her father was already there. Things had been...tense between her and her dad. They didn’t speak quite as much, Zoe choosing to talk to her mother more instead. It wasn’t like Zoe was scared of him, per say, but she felt as if she was constantly at the end of her rope with him. A short conversation with him usually left Zoe tense and upset, not wanting to talk to him again any time soon. 

 

Connor dropped into the seat across from her, glaring furiously at the place setting, picking at his nails. He painted them black, which Zoe personally thought made him look really fucking emo. A moment later, Cynthia entered, smiling pleasantly. 

 

“You all can go serve yourself.” She picked up her own plate, walking into the kitchen. 

 

Zoe followed, cheerfully saying, “Thanks, Mom.” Which prompted to Connor to mutter “kiss up” under his breath, which Zoe chose to ignore. The kitchen clock read six o’ four. Cynthia had recently tried to get everyone to eat earlier, although that usually led to Zoe sneaking downstairs around one a.m to steal a bag of chips as a snack. Dinner this evening was some kind of vegan casserole, which Zoe would have to choke down and probably have to lie to her moms face about how it tasted. 

 

“It smells wonderful, dear.” Larry said gruffly, spooning a hefty amount of casserole onto his plate. Zoe followed suit, although with a far smaller helping. 

 

As she left the kitchen to sit at the dining table again, the clock read six o’ seven. 

 

The dinner conversation was simple: Cynthia would tell everyone about her day, then ask everyone about their’s, Larry would give brief description of his activity at the law firm, Zoe would talk for as long as possible, partly because she wanted to believe they cared about what she was saying, but also because she knew the longer she talked, the less likely Connor was to be attacked over nothing by her dad, resulting in yet another screaming match. 

 

“So, how does it taste?” Cynthia asked, nibbling on a forkful of casserole. 

 

“Delicious,” Zoe muttered, hiding her cringe of discomfort as they painfully bad food slid down her throat. 

 

“It tastes wonderful, dear.” Larry supplied. 

 

Connor said nothing. 

 

“Oh, the funniest thing happened to me today. I was on my way to Panera Bread to pick up some tomato soup, when you’ll never guess who I ran into.”

 

“Who?” Zoe asked, partly because she was really trying to care, but mostly so she would have an excuse to not eat. That was another reason she talked so much during dinner. 

 

“Cathy Smith! We chatted and I was able to get the confirmation for our invite to the skiing resort with them again this year.”

 

“Seriously?” Connor groaned. “I hate that fucking place.”

 

“Language.” Larry said carelessly. 

 

Cynthia ignored his remark. “Doesn’t that sound great? Zoe, you’ll get a chance to catch up with Marcus, it’s been so long since you’ve seen him.” Marcus Smith was a few months older than Zoe, but a junior as well, though, he attended a private school in a different town. Cynthia and his own mom had been trying to set them up for  _ years _ .

 

“Oh, joy.” She answered apathetically, pushing down another forkful. 

 

“Marcus is so fucking obnoxious though.” Connor said, shooting an annoyed look at Cynthia. His dinner plate was untouched. 

 

“Connor, I appreciate you adding to the conversation, but I would appreciate it even more if you would try to be more constructive with what you say.” Cynthia told him, a trying expression on her face. Zoe released her feet from the weird tangle they had around a chair leg, but flinched slightly as they touched the cold wood floor. 

 

“He’s right though, I hate Marcus.” Zoe immediately put a mouthful of food in, to avoid answering right away after making the remark. 

 

“ _ Zoe _ !” Cynthia looked horrified. “But-but you and Marcus are such great friends!” 

 

“No we’re not,” She glanced at her mom, a mix of irritation and confusion in her voice. “We’ve literally never been friends, I genuinely don’t know where you got that from.”

 

“Zoe, we don’t need you to be sassy.” Her father said sternly. 

 

“What? I’m just saying,”

 

“Yeah, she’s literally shown zero interest in Marcus ever. He’s stuck up and annoying.” Connor finally took a bite, doing nothing to hide the displeased expression on his face at the taste.

 

“Well, I- it’s already decided.” Cynthia said in mock sternness. “So, you two will need to suck it up and put on a happy face.”

 

“Whatever,” Zoe took another bite. 

 

“Larry, how was your day?”

 

“Same as always,” he said dryly. “Just working on more research on my current case at the firm. Linda invited everyone to her Christmas party, so I’m just putting that out there now.”

 

“Zoe?” Cynthia seemed to be getting more and more stressed out as the conversation went on. “How was your day? You had a final today, right?”

 

“No, all mine are next week.” 

 

“Oh, well, what kinds of things did you do in your classes?”

 

“Not much. Just work. Jazz band was pretty boring, we were mostly just working on sight reading.”

 

“Any weekend plans with your friends?”

 

“No.” 

 

“Oh, um, alright. Connor, what about you?”

 

“Nothing happened. I’m done, can I go?”

 

“You didn’t eat though?”

 

“Not hungry.” He shoved his chair back, walking away in a very “dont talk to me” attitude.

 

“I’m not hungry either,” Zoe said hesitantly.

 

“Not now, Zoe.” Cynthia sighed, closing her eyes. “I’m- I’m going to lie down, I don’t feel too well.” Cynthia got up, neither Zoe nor Larry moving until they heard the bedroom door shut down the hall.

 

“Should I cook up some mac n’ cheese?” He offered, cautiously. 

 

“Okay, I’ll clean up the dishes.” Larry nodded, seeming to relax. Zoe didn’t like fighting with her parents. But she also didn’t like being completely ignored. 

 

But she did like when people made an effort to try and be better. She really liked that. 

 

About ten minutes later, Zoe and her dad were seated on the couch, each with a bowl of mac n’ cheese, watching an episode of the X-Files. 

 

As a commercial started, he picked up the remote, muting it. 

 

“Zoe, I know this is...certainly long overdue. But I,” He paused, worried seeming. “I apologize for my, uh, my actions towards you. It was a verbal disagreement and I should have never crossed that line by making it physical. I understand if you’re upset with me, but I wanted to formally apologize.” 

 

She sat, still and silent. Processing. 

 

“It’s..okay.”

 

“It’s not okay, Zoe, don’t just say that. I..I hit you. And I don’t want to be that parent. If you’re ready to forgive me, then that means the world to me, but don’t do it just because.”

 

“I’m...I’m still upset. And I’m still mad about it, and I still mean everything I said that night. But I- I forgive you, Dad.”

 

“Thank you.” He set his bowl down, pulling her in for a tentative one armed hug. 

 

After a moment, she slowly said, “Maybe you should try to act like this with Connor, too.”

 

“He doesn’t make it easy, you know that.” Larry answered with a scoff. 

 

“God, I know. But it’s..I dunno, I get that it’s gonna be hard? But you’re his dad? So isn’t it kind of your job to be putting in the more amount of effort?”

 

“Thank you for your input, Zoe, but I have it handled.”

 

“Okay, I’m just..saying.” 

 

He didn’t answer, but Zoe felt as though two separate weights had been raised from her chest, and suddenly, the tension she’d felt around her dad that had been so suffocating, was gone, letting Zoe breath easy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here. this isn't gonna answer the cliffhanger from the last chapter, but its zoe, so, you gotta love it.
> 
>  
> 
> +i had a really bad/confusing night. can i please have love. or at least some comments on this because those make me very happy. thank you. 
> 
>  
> 
> +this used to be a really long chapter, but i split it into to three parts so i won't stress out when schools back. 
> 
> +@overcast-skies (rlbmuT)


	19. I am not lost; I am not found (part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Zoe and Larry talk, which is good since their last interaction sucked  
> This Chapter: Violetta and Evan talk, which is good since he gives pretty good advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loading: Violetta Redemption Arc

“Violetta? What are you- why are you outside? It-it’s like four degrees!” 

 

Violetta was sat on the porch, her chin length fluffy hair taken out of the braids it had been in earlier and was wrapped up in a blue coat. She was shivering and, after noticing him, ducking her face out of sight. 

 

“Just- thinking.”

 

“Are you- are you okay?”

 

“I’m fine!” She wiped at her face. “Shit- I, oh God, why am I bothering? No, I’m not okay.”

 

“Do you, um, want to talk about it?”

 

“No offense, but you don’t seem qualified to give advice.” 

 

He shot a quick text to Connor saying  _ hold on, go park somewhere, smths happening _ and sat on the ground next to her.

 

“I’ve been in thera-therapy since I was your age, tr-try me.”

 

Violetta let out a harsh laugh. “Okay then. Where do I start? I’ve got a crush on my best friend who probably hates me, I don’t have any friends, and I have a secret that I can’t tell anyone because it’ll ruin the few relationships I actually have with people.”

 

“Um, okay. Let’s-let’s start with the no friends one. Um, your Dads said you did online school, aren’t there programs for ki-kids like that?”

 

“Yeah. They’re all stupid though.”

 

“Well, um,” He shifted his posture. “I sound like such a  hypocrite, but putting your-yourself out into situations you wouldn’t normally would probably help.”

 

“Give one example.” 

 

“Um, you could do, um, community theatre, join a spo-sport, go with your best friend to big group events and be sup-super chatty and friendly with people?”

 

“It’s not that easy though.” She dropped her face in her hands. 

 

“I know, but um, sometimes you-you just gotta, you have to do it anyway?”

 

“What if I screw it all up though? In case you didn’t notice, I’m not the friendliest person.”

 

“Um, well, one time, this person, um, he was talking to me and I accidentally screwed it up. I um, I had had a crush on his sister and he found out, and kinda got really mad at me? Anyway, I ended up, um, I kind of tackled him to the ground and was just being really stupid and awkward? But he’s kind of my best friend right now, so don’t-don’t let one bad impression ruin everything.”

 

She was quiet, then said, “Did you seriously tackle him?”

 

“Um, yes. But that’s-that’s not what you were supposed to take away from that story.”

 

She snorted, wiping the area under her eyes again. Her face looked puffy. He began to wonder if she’d been crying. 

 

“I guess that’s not the worst advice. What else ya got?”

 

“Well, um, the secret thing? I had a really,  _ really _ bad secret. It was- does yours feel like it's eating you alive? Like, every moment you go without someone knowing, it just kind of devours another part of you, leaving you all hollow and empty feeling?”

 

“Yeah,” She whispered. 

 

“Like-like, you feel like you have to tell someone, but you’re so scared of what they’ll say, you never tell anyone and it just makes you feel worse?”

 

She nodded, but other than that, Violetta was completely still, eyes trained on a spot somewhere in front of her. 

 

“I had a secret like that. It was horrible. I didn’t tell anyone for months, and it wasn’t the kind of secret I could write about, or talk vaguely about. Like, if I got as detailed as my thoughts got, people were gonna know. And tha-that really sucked? Um,” He laughed kind of bitterly. “It sucked. I felt like it was going to kill me. Because it kept coming up. Everyone had to ask and I just had to keep lying, and it was torture.”

 

“What did you do?” Her voice was shaky and quiet. 

 

“One day I was talking to my best friend, and I let it slip.”

 

“What happened?” She asked timidly, eyes still boring into the concrete

 

“It was the most terrified I’d felt in years. But he..he understood. I think it’s because he went through something similar, but I’m not sure. He helped me calm down, and honestly, it was so cleansing saying it out loud. Like, it wasn’t so scary, because now-now I wasn’t dealing with it alone.”

 

“I’m gay.” Her spine straighten up, eyes flashing to him in pure panic. “I’m gay.” A breathless laugh seemed to escape. “I’m gay, and I’m crushing really hard on my best friend, and I can’t tell my parents.”

 

“Okay, okay. That’s-that’s great, thank you so much for telling me. Okay. Um, so, wh-why can’t you tell your parents? It seems like they’d be really accepting.”

 

Having said it, Violetta seemed to have relaxed a great deal, and talking seemed to come easier to her. “You’d think, right? But no. Since Phoenix only realized he was gender fluid like two years before he met Fred, he’s like certain that its impossible for anyone under thirty to know their gender or sexuality if its not cis or het.”

 

“What? That-that’s crazy? Like, it’s been tested that it’s usually somewhere in your teens when you-you figure it out.”

 

“Right! But he doesn’t care, at all! And it’s so frustrating! Like, I have a pansexual gender fluid dad, and the other ones bisexual, I should be able to go to them about this kinda stuff, but I can’t because I already know I’ll be instantly shot down.”

 

“You kno-know that for sure?”

 

“Yeah, cause when I told them that my bestfriend was pan, my dad literally laughed and said ‘That's impossible, she’s only thirteen, how would she know?’ Like, seriously?”

 

Evan nodded. “Well, just so you know, you-you’re not too young to know, if you know at age thirteen then tha-that’s really great, I bet a lot of people wished they knew at that age.”

 

“Yeah. Sometimes I think it’s because Phoenix is just jealous that he didn’t know until he was forty something. And like, here are all these teens who already know and just..you know?”

 

“Yeah, I feel like that makes since. Does you friend know? Since she told you she’s pan, she’ll most likely be a good per-person to talk to about it.”

 

“That’s...not a bad idea.”

 

He gave her a faint smile. “Was there any-anything else?”

 

“I guess not, thanks, it actually  _ really _ helped, just like, saying it all.”

 

“Well, I’m-I’m glad.” Suddenly, a thought struck him. “Do you want to come with me? Me and my friend are going to go out, and you could come too, get your-get your mind off all this.”

 

“Do you think he’d mind?”

 

“I can ask,” He pulled out his phone. 

 

To Connor

8:34 p.m/ hey, my cousin went through a load of stuff and is kinda upset, would you mind if she came along tonight as a distraction?

 

From Connor

8:34 p.m/ yeah, thats fine ig. Can i ask what happened?

 

To Connor

8:34 p.m/ ill tell you later.

 

“He said he wouldn’t mind, do you want me to ask your parents if you can go?”

 

“Okay, um, thank you, Evan.”

 

“Yeah, o-of course.”

 

He got up, pulling the front door open and wandering into the living room. Heidi was sat on the couch with Uncle Fred and uncle Phoenix. 

 

“Um, I was wond-wondering if Violetta could come with Connor and I? We’re probably just gonna go to  _ Diane’s Coffee _ for something.”

 

“Connor your friend?” Phoenix asked. 

 

“Yeah, him.” He nodded. 

 

Fred and Phoenix exchanged a quick glance, resulting in a short nod from Fred.

 

“That’s fine,” He scratched his beard. “Just have her back before nine thirty, alright?”

 

“Okay, thanks!”

 

He dashed back outside, finding Connor’s car pulled up at the curb and the light on, illuminating the form of Violetta already inside. In the front seat. Great. As he jogged over, the window rolled down. 

 

“Hey, you’re in the back.” Connor informed with a smirk. 

 

“Thanks,” Evan rolled his eyes, pulling open the door and dropping onto the seat with a huff. This should be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so i just wanted to say this again, because i feel like i can never say enough, but the support I've gotten for this story is amazing? and the comments I've gotten are so insanely sweet??? i nearly cry everytime i get one, like seriously, you guys have no idea how much every comment means to me. yeah so. comment. it gives me Extra Happy Writing Fuel, which means more chapters sooner, which i think is a pretty win-win situation. 
> 
> tondlr: overcast-skies (dm me or send me asks about the story!!)
> 
> also in the news of my own life, i got cast in a "decent" part in my schools Really Hard To Get Into completion play, which is. Cool? I didn't get the part I really wanted, losing it and the lead to two girls who are younger than me. Which is. :/ but i got an okay role and I'm really happy to a part of it...i just. am kind of disappointed? y'know? yeah anyway thats my current life, love you, bye


	20. I am not lost; i am not found (part three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Violetta and Evan talk, which is good since he gives pretty good advice  
> This Chapter: Connor and Evan talk, but they also look at eachother. A lot. In a really gay way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize in advance.

As Connor started driving, Violetta began fidgeting restlessly in her seat. 

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“A coff-coffee place that’s like five minutes aw-away.” Evan answered, adjusting his seatbelt.

 

She made a face. “I don’t drink coffee.”

 

He laughed, “I don-don’t either, don’t worr-worry, they have pre-pretty good hot chocolate.” She nodded, drumming her fingers on her lap. 

 

“Evan, are you cold or something?” Connor asked after a moment, meeting his eyes from the rear view mirror. 

 

“Uh, no, I’m-I’m okay.”

 

“You’re shivering.”

 

“What?” He glanced down at his hands, shocked to notice, they were indeed shaking. “Oh. I-I didn’t even notice.”

 

“Mhm,” he pressed a button a flow of warmer air seemed to shoot out of some invisible location. Evan immediately felt better, although, he hadn’t even been aware something had been wrong before.

 

A short while later, they were walking up to the counter of the cozy, thankfully warm, coffee shop.

 

“Wha-what did you want?” Evan asked, turning to look at his cousin as they waited in line.

 

She squinted at the menu, “I’ll have the….Mexican Hot Chocolate, please.” 

 

“Okay, can you find uh, us a table?” She nodded, wandering off in search of a spot. 

 

As he and Connor waited for the couple in front of them to to finish ordering, Connor spoke up. 

 

“You’re like, scarily good with her.”

 

“Wha-what do you mean?”

 

He shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s just..you seem like a totally different person. It’s unsettling, you just,” He searched for the right word. “You just seem really at ease, like you’re only focused on her and not really thinking about anything else. I dunno, it was just something I noticed.”

 

“Hm,” As they reached the counter, Connor listed off his order, some weird coffee with heaps of whip cream on it. 

 

“Um, can I-can I get two Mexican Hot Chocolates?” 

 

“Are you paying separately?” The barista, a blonde woman who looked to in her twenties, asked in a bored voice.

 

“Uh, I can just get it.” Connor said, reaching for his wallet, but Evan furrowed his brow in response.

 

“No, I’m-I can do it.”

 

“Did you bring money?”

 

“Yes,” He replied indignantly.

 

“What if we just split it then?”

 

“I can just pay.” He snapped, slapping down a twenty on the counter, not sure why he felt so defensive over this.

 

“Okay,” Connor said, a bewildered expression on his face.

 

“Kay, your change is four seventy five,” She dropped the change on the counter. “Here or to go?”

 

“Here,” Connor answered. 

 

“Can I get a name for the order?”

 

“Uh, Evan.” He said quickly before Connor could say anything. 

 

“I’ll call you when it’s ready.” She told them, her tone never having quite left the level of boredom it started with. 

 

As they went to find Violetta, Connor gave him a weird look.

 

“Why were you being so, like, defensive?”

 

“I wasn’t.”

 

“Yeah, you were. You looked really pissed when I said I’d pay.”

 

“Well, I-I don’t, I don’t need people taking care of me.”

 

He was quiet a second, then, “I wasn’t trying to- I, yeah, nevermind. Sorry I made you all uncomfortable or whatever.” He started off towards the back of the cafe, where Violetta was waiting, playing on her phone.

 

“You, no, wait. You didn’t-  _ hey _ .” He grabbed Connor’s arm to stop the other teen from walking off. “I’m not  _ mad _ at you, I just. Okay, I’m sorry, I-I overreacted, I’m sorry.” Great, now Connor probably hated him because he was an annoying defensive jerk who made people feel bad and was just rude and bad  _ all the time _ .

 

“Why are you apologizing? I obviously overstepped some boundary and you you were reacting to it, okay? I already apologized, you don’t have to.”

 

“Okay, but-but I feel bad? I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Are you-are you sure?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He bit his lip, worry still flooding his thoughts. “Okay, but-”

 

“Evan. I’m not mad at you, I don’t think you’re mad at me, let’s just forget about it, okay?”

 

“..okay.”

 

They both slid into seats in unison, jolting Violetta from whatever she was looking at on her phone. Seeing them empty handed, she immediately looked upset.

 

“Where’s the stuff? You guys were there forever, I thought it’d be done.”

 

“It’s no-not yet, um, sorry.” Evan murmured, finding it difficult to actually look at people now. Great, his stupid anxiety was going to ruin everything. He just- he  _ knew _ Connor was lying. He had made Connor feel bad about trying to  **do him a favor** and now he hated Evan and would never want to see him again and it was all his fault and why was he just the Worst?

 

Suddenly, a voice called out, “Evan?” Ah, right, the barista. Their...orders. Were ready. And Evan had given his name. So he should..he should get up and get it. But, his legs weren’t standing up and everything seemed to be going wrong now. 

 

“I’ll get it.” Violetta announced cheerfully, standing up and disappearing out of his sight. A moment passed, then Connor lightly tapped his shoulder. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Um, yes?”

 

“Are you sure? You just look kinda like you did on that one..that one day,” Oh. 

 

“I just, um. Are you sure you’re-you’re not mad at me?” His fingers twitched slightly, and he felt guilty even putting it into words. 

 

“Is that all?” Evan did a weird shrug. “Well, no, I’m- no. I’m not mad at you. Um, I guess I was just kinda,” He gestured vaguely. “Confused? By why you got upset by it? But I’m dropping it, so try not to worry.”

 

Evan exhaled slowly. “Okay, thanks.”

 

Violetta returned with the drinks, and sat down. They chatted for some thirty minutes, before deciding it was about time to head back. Evan called shotgun (like a twelve year old) and didn’t have to sit in the backseat again. As they arrived back at the Hansen’s, Evan cautiously asked Violetta if she would go ahead in. She nodded, slightly confused, but pushed the car door open and dashed to the front door, the cold air seeping into Evan’s skin from the brief seconds it had been allowed inside. 

 

He and Connor sat in silence for a few moments before Connor seemed to realize that Evan was not starting the conversation. 

 

“Um, what’s up?”

 

“So glad you asked,” Evan replied, earning a small laugh from Connor. “Okay, so I’m gonna just. Explain a bit, okay?” Connor nodded. The car light was off, leaving a dim orange and blue glow blinking across Connor’s face from the dials on the dashboard. 

 

“So, basically, I go outside to wait for you, and-and Violetta is just sitting on the porch. So I’m immedientally like, ‘um, what?’ cause it's literally freezing outside?” Connor nodded along. “And..I think she was crying? She was really upset, so I’m not gonna get into details, but I gave her advice on like, three different problems she had. And just, wow.”

 

“Were they bad?”

 

“She claims she doesn’t have any friends, and she’s homeschooled, so like, I get that. Her parents aren’t being great. And apparently she like,  _ like-likes _ one of her friends.”

 

“‘Like-likes’? What are you, ten?” Connor laughed. 

 

“Um, I’m eleven, so shut the heck up.”

 

“Wait, you know that video?”

 

“Um, yes? It’s iconic.”

 

“Oh my God, that’s great.” Evan laughed, letting his gaze linger on Connor a moment longer than it should. 

 

“Um, anyway, I never gave her any advice for that one things and now I feel guilty about it.”

 

Connor shrugged. “She seemed to be in a pretty good mood, so whatever you did say helped.”

 

“I know, but like, she just seemed really, I dunno, upset. I felt bad for her.” he sighed, letting his left hand clutch at the center console. Connor was quiet, and Evan cast his gaze over to find..oh. Connor was looking at him. And Evan felt his face suddenly heat up and it was really very hot in here, wasn’t it? Why was it so hot? Why was he having so much trouble pulling his gaze away from his  **best friend** and why was it making his stomach feel weird and light? Was it that fake nonexistent possible unreal crush again? Impossible..

 

Okay, maybe it wasn’t so impossible. 

 

Neither of them had looked away yet and this was by far the longest eye contact Evan had ever held in his entire life. 

 

Evan felt himself tilting his head forward and the weird lightness in his stomach moved up into his chest until he felt kinda like he was going to throw up. 

 

Then. Then he wasn’t. 

 

Then he was suddenly jolting back, pure panic in his eyes, stuttering out something that might have been “ivegottagoilltextyoulaterbye”, or it may have just been nonsense. 

 

Then he was shaking as he was walking inside and opening the door and giving a weak acknowledgement to his mother, ignoring Violetta’s questioning gaze, and dropping himself onto the floor of his room, curling in on himself and letting hot, burning tears stream down his face. 

 

Or maybe he was just shivering. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment telling me what you think of this chapter! or just do a bunch of keyboard smashing, cause thats equally flattering
> 
> this is the end of that chapter trilogy, which also means I'm out of prewritten chapters. i do what i can, but i don't feeling rushed when i write, so it'll be out when its out :/
> 
>  
> 
> i just finished reading Me and Earl and the Dying Girl AND They Both Die at the End  
> and they were!!!!! so good!!!!!! MEDG was hilarious and i nearly lost it while reading certain parts, and TBDE was soooooo nice. like, it gets you thinking about so much, and it was so sweet, and well written, and cool- the concept was So cool- and veeeeeeerrrry Gay. so. 
> 
> i got hit with inspo for a new deh fic (when don't i think of a new one- seriously, i have so many unfinished/good concept ones) during math class today, and I'm starting it because i Love it. so i have to ask, how many of you like the au's where the deh kiddos do musical theater? i Love them, like, a lot. 
> 
> Toddler: @overcast-skies


	21. Resuscitating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Connor and Evan talk, but they also look at eachother. A lot. In a really gay way.  
> This Chapter: A secret about Jared is revealed, Connor and Evan chat about something, and Alana Beck is just. Delightful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy February Y'all

It all began seventh period, the last day before winter break. Evan was in sixth period, and since he had seventh as an off period, he was planning on going home as soon as class dismissed. And before you ask- he had not spoken to Connor all week, their most relevant interaction having been a fleeting moment of eye contact in the hall during passing period. There were thirty minutes of class left, and Evan was  _ itching  _ to get out. Every second he spent in class was practically agonizing; that didn't have much to do with the contents of his sixth period, he actually really loved ASL, more so the fact that he was just ready to go home. He was waiting for the last five minutes of class before he would ask to use the bathroom, then he could carry all of his things out and it would give him a head start to the front door before the tidal wave of students, who also had a free period for their last class. There was a coloring sheet in front of him, untouched save for a few pencil scribbles he had done in an attempt to shade the dinosaurs inked on the paper. He was one of three seniors in ASL II, which wouldn't have mattered if the rest of the class wasn't annoying tenth graders simply in the class so they wouldn't have to take Spanish or French. Not to say all tenth graders were annoying, just the ones he was exposed to in this class. 

 

Still, the clock was ticking by slower than normal, and Evan felt like his brain was going to  _ explode _ . Usually, when he was bored in class, he would text Connor, or vice versa, however, he couldn't do that for obvious reasons. 

 

Violetta and her parents had gone home the day before, but not before he and Vio had exchanged phone numbers, him making her promise to text him if she happened to do anything extraordinary that got her loads of friends. She agreed, but “ _ only if you tell that guy, Connor, youve got a crush on him” _ which had definitely resulted in lots of confused spluttering from Evan, which must have sounded something like “wh a.t? But uh,.,,-.,  hramph wha?” Because Violetta then told him that she was pretty much an expert at reading social cues, despite being homeschooled, and his crush was more painfully obvious than Connor’s on him. Which was. Not true, probably. At least, Evan found it hard to believe. And besides that, even if he did like Connor and Connor, for some reason, liked him back, who’s to say a relationship would even work? Or what if Connor didn't even want a relationship? What if he did, but after being with Evan, ge realized how annoying and stupid he was, and decided to never talk to him again?

 

Needless to say, Evan had a lot of worries about this, which were preventing him from feeling too hopeful about any possible outcome of telling Connor he liked him. 

 

Which led to this moment, Evan waiting boredly in anticipation before he could go home and ignore all of his feelings until January. He did, however, lose his patience around seven minutes til the bell, and decided that was his golden moment to leave. Luck did not end up being in his favor. Because the teacher, Mr Kobbs, kept his door open, and his desk was by the door, and the bathroom was right across the hall, and Evan had  _ not  _ thought this through. Because what if Mr Kobbs or a student saw him Not Going To The Bathroom, and he got in trouble? That wasn't a part of the plan, then again, neither was entering the bathroom and seeing none other than Connor Murphy and….Alana Beck?

 

“H-what?” Was what decided to come out of his mouth. Alana noticed him, and smacked Connor in the ankle from her position on the floor, doing what appeared to he texting.

 

“Connor, you were supposed to be lookout!” 

 

“Oops.” He replied apathetically, not quite meeting Evan’s gaze, though Evan felt too bewildered to actually take notice of that.

 

“Hrr, why?” Evan said, drawing attention back to him, which was usually the opposite of what he tried to do. 

 

“Did you need to use the bathroom? I suppose I can go,” Alana informed him, worrying at her lip. 

 

“That's okay?” It sounded more like a question than he had originally intended, so he added a “youdonthaveto” for extra measure. 

 

“I should explain.” Alana announced, standing up. “You see, do you know Samirah?”

 

“The-the one from Pakistan?”

 

“Yes! Well, you need to swear not to tell anyone this, alright?”

 

“The only person he’d tell, you already told five minutes ago.” Connor muttered, crossing his arms. The statement made Evan slightly embarrassed. 

 

Alana looked between them both. “Okay. Well, Samirah goes by Sam, and is actually a trans male. He went to the bathroom some time ago, so Ms Ridgers sent me to go check on him. I, naturally, went here first, where I ran into Connor.” 

 

“Okay,” he says, because he wasn’t really sure what else to say. 

 

“Now we’re trying to find him.” She finishes, then backtracks. “Well,  _ I’m _ trying to find him, Connor’s just keeping watch to make sure no boys come in here and see me. Though, he let you in no problem, so he’s not doing a very good job.” 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

Alana scrunched up her nose, attempting to push up her glasses with sheer force, but then gave up, pushing the clear circle lenses up with a finger. “Would you like to help us, Evan?”

 

“Oh, well, um,”  _ I don’t think that’s a good idea, I don’t know Sam, you basically just outed him to two random people, which is kind of annoying, but it’s nice that you care so much, but still. I don’t think I should  _ was what Evan would have liked to say, but did he actually? No. 

 

“Okay, I guess, um,” 

 

“Great!” She clapped her hands together. “He’s not answering his phone, so I thought we could just go to another bathroom and look there.” Connor groaned loudly, and Evan bit his lip nervously. Alana grabbed a hold on Evan’s wrist, except he had on an oversized hoodie, and his hands were currently balled up inside, so all Alana really had in her hand was fabric, though, she didn’t seem to notice, or at least didn’t comment on it. She dragged him behind her, catching onto Connor’s arm and pulling him behind as well. 

 

She chattered on as they walked through the empty hall. In fact, she talked almost as much as Mrs Kleinman did, which really said something. 

 

“uld be hearing back from them soon, anyway, I just feel so anxious waiting! Like, ‘oh my, what if I don’t get accepted?’ I would be  **devastated** . Though, it would be mu-”

 

“Yeah,” Connor said, though he didn’t really seem to be listening, while Evan opted to just say nothing. 

 

“estating if I didn’t get into Harvard, or even Brown, really. But, when I was applying, I just tho-”

 

Evan glanced at the wall clock. Sixth period ended in four minutes, meaning the hall would quickly fill with students. 

 

“etter if I applied to a bunch of different schools. That didn’t stop my parents from wanting me to go more on the doct-”

 

“Yeah,” Connor said again. 

 

“oute, but I’m just, personally, so much more invested in public services, you know?” She turned to look at them, and Evan nodded very enthusiastically. 

 

“Enough about me,” She smiled brightly. “Where are you applying for college, Evan?”

 

That caught him off guard, which meant he didn’t have any time to properly think through his answer, which resulted in a messy, hardly coherent, answer. “Uh- I, I’m not going to, uh, like, “ official ” college, or, um, anything. Just going tuh, uh,  take, uhh, a couple classes over at the, um, the community college.” 

 

“Oh.” Alana looked surprised. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for that.” 

 

“Wait- you’re not going to college?” Connor demanded, seeming weirdly upset about this. 

 

“Yeah? Just the-the commun-commun-community one, for now? At least.”

 

“Why?” Alana asked. She pulled them down a new corridor, and Evan could see a boys bathroom coming up.

 

“Just- we, uh, my family can’t really, um, afford it? At the- for now, um, at least. Er, at the moment.” He really disliked talking about college, but he’d already discussed all of this with his mom and Dr Sherman during a joint therapy session. Speaking of, didn’t he have one of those after school today?

 

“Oh.” Connor didn’t say anything else. 

 

They came to a stop in front of the bathroom. 

 

“Alright,” Alana began instructing them. “Connor, you keep watch again; Evan, you come inside with me.”

 

“I- I don’t even know this-this ‘Sam’ guy, maybe I should-”

 

She waved him off. “Please! You’re coming with me, plus, you have a very calming presence.”

 

“I do?”

 

She nodded. “Yes. You’re quite approachable and very friendly, which probably makes it super easy for you to make friends.”  _ Yeah, totally! _

 

“Oh, um, thank-?” She was pushing the door open before he could get the rest of the sentence out, and he cut off, reluctantly following her. 

 

The door wouldn’t shut. It crashed painfully into Alana’s back, because she was frozen, a look of unprecedented of surprise on her face. 

 

They had found Sam... in a heated makeout session with Jared Klienman. 

 

Evan made a shocked choking/gasping/coughing sort of noise, and got the  _ heck _ out of there. He locked eyes with Connor for a split second, face red and spluttering, who began to say something, before Evan bolted for a second time, inconvientally right when the bell rang. 

 

He had no idea where he was going, or  _ what the fuck _ was going on. There were precisely two thoughts in his mind at the moment, being:  _ Jared likes GUYS???????  _ and  _ AHHHHHHHWTFMYEYESAREBURNINGSEEINGJAREDWITHHISHANDUPSOMEONESSHIRTANDHISTONGUEHALFWAYODWNTHIERTHROATISSOMETHINGINEVERWANTEDTOSEEOHGOD _ .

 

As he wove his way in and out of the now crowded hall, he was pretty sure he heard his name, he was also pretty sure he had accidentally tripped someone in his haste. Reaching what he knew to be an exit, he pushed it open, letting it slam shut as he gasped for breath. It took a moment for him to realize that this was the computer lab side exit, which meant that this was exactly the place that he had first really spoken with Connor way back at the start of the year. Only, that did  _ nothing _ to help his confusing, jumbled mess of thoughts, because a wave of different feelings practically knocked him over. He slid to the ground, defeated, air still not properly filtering through his lungs. The door opened, and Evan was met with the gaze of the family friend he’d known since before forever. 

 

“Hey,” Jared said quietly. 

 

“Hi.” Though it sounded more like “H- _ wheeze _ \- hhhIII- _ gasp wheeze- _ ”

 

“So, uh, I guess you saw all,” He gestured. “ _ That _ .” Evan nodded, shifting over a bit to make room for Jared, who sat down. 

 

“Sorry, I-I freaked out. I just, uh, I was very much caught off guard?”

 

“S’okay.” Jared mumbled, wringing his hands together. “I guess I’d be pretty shook if I saw you goin’ at it with some guy, huh?” He elbowed Evan, laughing, though it was hard for Evan to laugh as well because of the reality that hung just behind his words. “Yeah. Well. Listen, Sam and me? We’re not even a thing, he’s just...he hangs out with Colin and those guys.”

 

“Colin as in the guy that got Connor suspended?” It came out sounding more bitter then he’d intended. 

 

Jared grimaced. “Yeah, well apparently he knew I liked guys, somehow, I didn’t tell him, but he found out somehow. He also knew that Sam liked me, but he thought Sam was a girl, so he got pissed at me for that.”

 

“ _ Are _ you into him? Sam, I mean.” Jared exhaled. 

 

“No, not really. I just- okay, there’s some stuff going on at home and in my life that I kinda wanted a break from? I figured, ‘Hey, I could make out with Sam a bit, it’d be a lit distraction’.”

 

“That’s kind of a dick move, Jared.”

 

“What? Leading him on? I guess, I dunno.” 

 

“I would hate to be led on,” Evan said quietly. “Like, if the person I liked literally suggested we start making out in the bathroom sometimes but didn’t even like me? That would suck.”

 

“Ooooh, does Ev-man have a  _ crush _ ?” Jared grinned. Evan’s face went red. 

 

“No! But even-even if I did, that’s not what we’re talking about right now.”

 

“No, we so are. I already explained myself, you already made a judgy comment, now it’s time for me to make fun of you.”

 

“That was not a judgy comment!”

 

“Um, it so was?” 

 

“Whatever! That’s so off topic, god.”

 

“What more is there to say?”

 

“You could talk about it, if you want.”

 

Jared laughed. “No thanks, no offense, but we’re not  _ that _ close.” Something in Evan deflated. 

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

 

“Whatev’s. Kay, well, if that’s all, I’m going back in.” Evan didn’t answer, and Jared got up. He heard the door open, then shut. Then open and shut again, and suddenly Connor was sitting next to him. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

He sighed. “Yeah, it just surprised me, I guess? I hadn’t ever really thought of Jared as being gay, and I’ve known him since he thought that having a sandbox made you the coolest kid on the block, so I guess I was also a little bit horrified.” He laughed, but it was small and kind of fake. Connor nodded. 

 

“I guess that’s probably how I’d feel if it were Zoe, or whatever.”

 

“I didn’t know you knew someone named Whatever.”

 

“Wha- oh. Oh, wow. That was terrible, Evan, like, seriously. Awful.” Evan laughed, a genuine one this time, and after a moment, Connor joined in. 

 

“I-I missed talking to you, Connor.” He said after a moment, voice soft.

 

Connor didn’t answer at first, then he cleared his throat.  “Yeah, uh, I’m...I’m sorry about all that.” 

 

“ _ What? _ ” That was very far from the response he had expected. 

 

He chuckled. “Yeah, I had had a bad day, and I dunno, I wasn’t really thinking about what i was doing.”

 

“So, you-you didn’t mean anything, by, uh, what happened?”

 

“Yeah, I was just in a weird mood and just kinda. I dunno. It was a mistake.”

 

“Oh.” Evan tried to muster up something to say, because  _ oh god, he had read Everything wrong. All of it. Completely incorrect. Connor didn’t like him. He was a mistake. Evan was a Mistake.  _ “Well, that’s good, then. I really hadn’t meant anything either,” he laughed, despite the fact that he could almost feel tears pricking at his burning eyes. 

 

“Oh, that’s good. I was gonna head home for free, you wanna come over?” Connor asked, standing up and adjusting his bag. Evan shook his head, getting to his feet. 

 

“Maybe another time. I’ve had this headache all day, I was just gonna go home and chill out until my therapy appointment later.”

 

“That’s fine. Do you need a ride home?”

 

“Sure, thanks.” The car ride was uncharacteristiclly silent, and as soon as Evan was once again behind the walls of his home, the tears came. 

  
  


Which brings us to now. 

 

Evan sat, curled up in a faded yellow bean bag, which deflated against the mint colored walls of Jared’s room. He was wearing a navy blue hoodie, and a pair of khaki pants, which nicely contrasted against the bright purple fuzzy socks. Alana was sat crisscross on Jared’s bed, writing some kind of blog post on her laptop, and Jared himself was ignoring both of them, choosing to play some kind of first person shooter game on his computer. He had on jeans and a yellow sweatshirt, which didn’t quite fit the cool gamer guy aesthetic he was trying to pull off. 

 

“Lastly….you will see...that...is why….the el-ec-tric...chair...should...be brought back…..” Alana whispered under her breath. She had on a muted red tshirt with the sleeves rolled up as if it were actually a tank top, and loose blue shorts. She had shown up in pants and a jacket, but the painfully high thermostat of the Kleinman house had forced her to lose the many layers she had on. “BUT….only with...special….circum-stan-ces. Alright! Evan, could you proof read this for me? I want to make sure it’s good before I post it to twitter.”

 

“That’s going to twitter?” Jared spun around in his desk chair, incredulous. “You spent like an hour on it, it must be insanely long!”

 

She blinked at him. “That’s why it’s going on my rant twitter, @scholarlybeck.” 

 

“Oh, of course, how hadn’t I realized.” Jared turned back to his computer, voice heavy with sarcasm.

 

“I can proofread it now.” Evan told her, taking the laptop from Alana, doing his best to match her cheerful smile. 

 

“Thanks!”

 

Evan skimmed over the screen; Alana had been typing on Google Docs, and judging from the file name (Twitter Rants) and the thirty seven pages worth of writing, this was something she did rather often. The topic of today’s rant was about electric chairs and why they should be a form of punishment again. There weren’t any noticeable errors, and it seemed to be very eloquently written. He slid it back onto the bed, giving her a thumbs up of approval. 

 

“FuCK YOU!” Jared suddenly yelled, causing both Evan and Alana to jump. He frantically started clicking his mouse and pressing buttons on the keyboard. “Fuck! Fuck!  _ Fuck! _ ” He let out an enormous groan, slumping back in the chair far enough for evan to see the words ‘Game Over’ on the screen. 

 

“What happened?” Alana asked, closing her laptop. 

 

“My team fucking turned on me!” He snapped. “God, I should’ve known better than join a team of twelve year olds who all know each other IRL.” 

 

“Oh.” Alana blinked. “Im sorry, Jared. They don’t sound like a very good team.”

 

“No shit.” He rolled his eyes. “Evan, get over here. I wanna play you to raise my self esteem.” Evan sighed. This had become a recurring event for them. Jared would lose, he would force Evan to play him, he would make fun of Evan for being terrible, he would only refer to Evan as ‘Target Practice’, he would beat Evan, he would play someone else, he would lose, and the cycle would continue. 

 

“No, I want to play you.” Alana cut in before Evan could even get up. 

 

“Seriously?” Jared asked. Alana nodded, hopping off the bed and pulling a stool over next to Jared at the desk. 

 

“How do I do it?” She asked, folding her hands on the desk. Evan felt a wave of relief that he would not have to sacrifice his own confidence for Jared, and watched Jared blankly teach Alana the controls. 

 

He plugged in a second mouse. “So, basically, left click is shoot, right click is reload, and- do you know WASD?” Alana blinked. 

 

“What’s wasd?”

 

“It’s exactly like the four arrows on the keyboard. It’s the alternative for moving around. ‘W’ is forward, ‘A’ is left, ‘S’ is backward, and ‘D’ is right.” She nodded. 

 

“Lucky I’m left handed.” She joked, tentatively placing her left hand on the mouse, and right on the keys.

 

Jared nodded. “Yeah. So, I’m gonna set up a two player game for us, kay?”

 

“Uh, kay.” She said. Evan moved the beanbag closer so that he could see the computer screen. 

 

Jared clicked something, and the screen turned into a forest landscape on the right side, and a field and river landscape on the left. Alana swiveled her mouse, and the left screen moved with her. 

 

“Oh.” She turned to Jared, a gleam in her eye. “I’ve never played a videogame before! This is so cool!” Jared looked agahst.

 

“Seriously? Did you have one of those ‘Video Games Rot Your Brain’ parents?”

 

She smiled. “Two moms who both hated them equally.” Jared whistled. 

 

“Damn. If I wasn’t allowed to play video games, I’d probably kill myself.” Evan grimaced, subconsciously trailing his fingers across his left arm.

 

“Jared, don’t joke about that.” Alana chided. “It’s not funny.”

 

“My bad.” A moment later, Alana’s screen darkened, displaying with the message ‘Game Over’. 

 

“Uh, Jared?” 

 

“Yeah, I killed you.” On Jared’s screen, you could see the dead corpse of Alana’s character. 

 

“Oh.” She glanced at Evan, an expression on her face. Evan shrugged. 

 

“Click the button that says ‘regenerate’.” Jared informed her. 

 

“Alright,” She clicked it, the screen lighting up again. She turned the mouse, revealing the forest landscape Jared had come from. 

 

“I’ll let you practice loading and reloading.” He told her. Clicking something, the gun vanished from his hand. 

 

“Wait, how did you do that?” 

 

“Shift.” 

 

“Oh. Hey, Evan?”

 

“Um, yeah?”

 

“Come join my team. You’ve played this before, and Jared is purposefully not telling me controls.”

 

“That’s a lie,” Jared scoffed. Evan scooted the beanbag right next to Alana, but then he felt too short, so he just stood. 

 

“I have an idea.” Alana announced. “Jared, you go back into the woods, one hundred paces. Then, you can’t look at my screen, that way I have a fair chance of attacking you.” 

 

“Uh, alright, whatever.” His character faced towards the woods, quickly dashing in. Alana began to practice reloading her gun, as well as shooting. 

 

“Hey, Alana,” Evan cleared his throat, and lowering his voice. “To crouch, do a double right click.” She flashed a smile, and began to practice that as well. 

 

“There, one hundred paces.” Jared declared. “Come and get me, hoe.” 

 

“Jared!” Alana gasped, hitting his arm. 

 

“Yeesh, it was a joke!” 

 

“Hmf,” she frowned. Her character began to charge into the woods, only to immediately crash into a tree. “Ah!” Changing tactics, she slowed to a walk, carefully avoiding obstacles. Jared didn’t move, but clearly avoided looking at her screen. Slowly, Jared’s character came into view on Alana’s screen, and she carefully loaded up her gun. Aiming it at Jared, she was about to shoot, when he leapt out of the way, shooting her down, her and Evan both audibly gasping. Jared cackled. 

 

“Ahh, that was easy.” He smiled. Alana huffed. 

 

“My GPA is higher than yours, Jared, shut your mouth.”

 

Jared feigned offense, but then Alana regenerated and promised she would murder him. Well, Alana came through. Jared had won seven rounds when she finally got him first. The reaction from her and Evan was of a shocked joy. They celebrated by going downstairs for food, with Jared following behind glumly, muttering about how they definitely cheated, no doubt about it. 

 

Jared opened up a plastic container of cookies that he claimed were only a day old. He took one for himself before ransacking the pantry for more junk food. 

 

“So, do you have any siblings?” Alana asked

 

Jared groaned, stuffing a cookie into his mouth. “Yeah, fou’ sistahs. Though, one of them’s off at colle’e righ’ now.”

 

“Mhm. I only have a brother. He’s four.” She took a small nibble from the red sprinkled cookie. 

 

“What’s his name?” Evan asked, picking up a chocolate chip cookie for himself. 

 

“Mateo. It’s a family name.”

 

“Cool,” he took a bite of his cookie. 

 

“Do you have any siblings, Evan?”

 

“Um, technically? My parents are-are split up, and I think my dad has a couple in Colorado.”

 

“Oh, have you ever met them?” He shook his head. Jared appeared with a bag of popcorn kernels and noticeably half empty bag of chips. 

 

“I got the good shit.” He announced, dropping the chips onto the island Evan and Alana were seated at, before popping the popcorn into the microwave. 

 

“I don’t mean to make things awkward,” Alana began, placing her cookie down in front of her carefully. “But I’m curious as to why exactly you invited me? It’s just, we’re not really friends, are we? I mean, we’ve never hung out before.”

 

Jared shrugged. “First time for everything. Plus, your skit in theatre was really damn funny, so I thought you’d be funny outside of class too.” He paused. “Also, you’re not Christian, so I thought having a Christmas Eve party with you and Evan would be ironic.”

 

“Oh,” Alana smiled, looking pleased with herself. “Well, thank you. I also like to think I’m not just funny in class.” Jared snorted. 

 

“Wait, you guys are in theatre?” Evan asked. 

 

“Yeah,” Jared nodded. “I suck, but it’s an easy class, so. Also, I’m hilarious.” He shrugged, stuffing yet another cookie into his mouth. Evan had barely taken that many bites out of his one. He sighed, setting the cookie down and digging through the  _ Lays _ bag. 

 

“Aren’t you going to have any more of that?” Alana asked, motioning towards the cookie.

 

“Eh, I’m more of a- of a muffin kind of guy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i misspelled jared last name at some point, but i don't care enough to look for it
> 
> -have you guys ever heard of Bishop Briggs? Her voice is soon cool!!! Also, I've been listening to a load of The Neighborhood, and I get some major Connor/Treebros vibes from the songs I've listened to. 
> 
> -chat me up on tumblr: @overcast-skies
> 
> -comment. or else ill probably be kinda sad and disappointed :/


	22. And May The Only Sound Be The Overflow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: A secret about Jared is revealed, Connor and Evan chat about something, and Alana Beck is just. Delightful.  
> This Chapter: the murphy family car trip comes to an explosive conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried posting this yesterday, but the update date wouldn't change, it wouldn't show up in the tag, basically it didn't exist?? so I'm reuploading it, thanks for your time

Connor was hungry. He had eaten all of the hotel snacks he’d grabbed within the first hour of the drive back to Rochester, and now, or hours in, he was starving. Larry was driving, hands placed firmly at ten and two, instead of Connor’s wonky eight and three. Cynthia was asleep, a delicate, silk eye mask over his face. Zoe was in the way back, knees drawn up to her chest, listing to music in ear buds. Connor was in the middle backseat, just because his legs were too long for the way back. He had a pillow, a hoodie, his backpack, and an ice cooler. Unfortunately, the ice cooler only had last minute grocery store meals, each with a different flavor combination of  _ gross _ ,  _ ew _ , and  _ bland _ . He’d already devoured the three bags of Doritos, and all that was left was a partly eaten Kit Kat. Connor had half a mind to see if Zoe would give him any of her snacks, but he also knew is she had asked him for any, he would have told her to fuck off, so he decided against it. 

 

Instead, he loudly sighed, staring out the window. It was January third, the annual ski trip was (thankfully) over, and they were on their way home. Of course, they didn’t fly, they had to drive, because roadtrips were a more fun family experience. Then again, they really didn’t have much fun family experiences, so they probably needed this one, regardless of the fact that hardly anyone spoke the whole time. His phone had died sometime in the last hour from overuse, and was being charged in the front seat. Sure, Connor could do something else. He could work on that life drawing assignment for art, which he actually really enjoyed, despite telling everyone he did it cause it was easy. It wasn’t, but he enjoyed the practice. Though, he really didn't feel like doing anything with school, because school, of course, made him think about Evan, because his whole life seemed to revolve around that stupid, amazing (bleh) guy. Connor didn’t like mushy romantic things, but  _ damn! _ did Evan make him think about those dumb cliches a lot. Because, yeah, he definitely liked Evan. Which was. Unfortunate? Evan didn’t like him back, Connor could take a hint, and Evan was sending some pretty strong No Way!!! signals. And well, he was going to tell him. He really was, but then, they were in some weird moment, and Connor’s brain was just like “hey!! kiss him!!” and Connor didn’t try arguing. But, Evan was pretty clearly not interested, so he would just have to pine sadly by himself. 

 

He hadn’t actually talked to Evan a whole lot since the last day of the first semester. They still texted a lot, but that seemed to be all they were really doing. He felt like things were Almost Normal, but something was off, and it was probably his fault. It was like there was some stifling atmosphere of awkwardness suffocating them both, and who ever was smothered to death first was the winner. Connor felt like he was losing. 

 

“Zoe, turn your music down, I can hear it from here.” Larry spoke up, dissolving Connor’s thoughts. Zoe made no move. 

 

“Zoe? Zo- Connor, tell Zoe to turn her music down.” Connor rolled his eyes, before grabbing a baggie of red grapes from the ice cooler and throwing it at her. 

 

“Hey!” Zoe snapped, ripping out her earbuds to glare daggers at him. He twisted around, seat belt digging against his neck. 

 

“Turn your music down.”

 

“Why?” She demanded. 

 

“Because I said so,” Larry shot her a look through the rearview mirror, and she huffed, because _ great, not like I can yell at my dad for being a stupid asshole.  _ The earbuds went back in, and the volume seemed to drop enough that Connor could no longer hear any weird fuzzy voices from behind him. He looked out the window, it was around five p.m, or something, and the sky was beginning to turn gold and dim. The sun was somewhere above the car, still though, and Connor had the sudden urge to slide back the sun shield on the roof of the car and look up. But he didn’t. He just kept staring Out. After several minutes of this, he got bored, reaching forward to unplug his phone from the front seat. It was at 78%. He stuck his hand into the backpack, triumphantly returning with a pair of headphones. They were red and black, with a long tangled cord. He stuck the cord into his phone, clicking onto music. He let the headphones grab onto his ears, and “Another Brick Wall” began pounding through the speakers, making his head hurt slightly, but he closed his eyes. He dropped his head against the cold glass, letting himself quickly get lost in the music that was playing. After several minutes, he felt a hand smack against his forehead, and he jolted up. 

 

_ “Wha _ t the fuck?” His voice sounded far away, and when he removed one side of the headphones, it only sounded worse. He twisted around in his seat, pausing the song. 

 

“Turn your fucking music down.” Zoe glared at him from over the seat. “I can feel that bass pulsing in my fucking eyeballs.”

 

“Zoe, language. Come on,” Larry snapped from the front seat, frowning into the rearview mirror. Connor glared forward at the seat directly in front of him, the one his mom was asleep on. He felt the childish urge to kick the seat, but he didn’t. Instead, he pushed the headphones back on, and angrily slid the volume dial down. 

 

He must’ve dozed off, because when he opened his eyes next, it was dark out. His phone must have died, again, because the bass had vanished from his head and he could only hear his parents talking quietly from the front seat while some kind of 80’s song played on the radio. Connor shifted, tugging the headphones off and dropping them onto the seat next to him. 

 

“Oh, honey you’re awake.” Cynthia said, craning her neck back to smile at him, there was just enough light for him to make out her expression. 

 

“Mhyeah,” Connor squinted his eyes tightly to help wake up. “Wha time is it?” he mumbled, peering at the radio to see if it would show the time. He couldn’t tell.

 

“Uh, about nine.” She smiled. “You were asleep when we stopped at Chick-Fil-A an hour ago.”

 

“We got fast food? Who are you?” She smiled, laughing loudly. 

 

“You can have the leftovers from your dad’s chicken sandwich. It’s in the ice cooler.” She informed him. He pulled the lid open, peering inside.

 

“Tell your sister we’ll be home in about half an hour.” Larry commanded, never taking his eyes off the road. Connor groaned, but the sight of the chicken sandwich made his mouth water. He hadn’t eaten since one or two p.m. 

 

Taking a bite, he twisted around in the seat, glancing at Zoe. She had her earbuds in, a lazy expression on her face while she watched something on her iPad. He poked her forehead, and her eyes shot up, locking on him. Removing an earbud, she narrowed her gaze.

 

“What?”

 

He swallowed the food in his mouth. “We’re gonna be home in, like, thirty minutes.” He sat forward again, taking another bite of the sandwich. 

 

“Kay,” she mumbled, and didn’t speak again.

 

“The bar must’ve been giving away free drinks,” Larry mumbled. “People are drivin’ crazy.”

 

“Oh, dear, be careful, then.” Cynthia replied, a slight nervous tremor in her voice. 

 

“That’s what I’m doing,” he said back, voice suddenly sharp. 

 

“I didn’t say you weren’t!” Her voice took on the same sharpness.

 

“That’s not what I said, now, is it?”

 

“Don’t talk down to me!” Connor stared into his sandwich. He could feel an almost ‘twitch’ in his gut, begging for him to say something back.

 

“I wasn’t talking- Cynthia, come on. Let’s not do this right now.”

 

“I don’t mind,” Connor broke in. “Go on, argue away. Feel free to discuss divorce too, I’m all ears.”

 

“Connor!” Cynthia gasped. 

 

“That’s hardly appropriate, young man.” Larry met his gaze in the rearview mirror, frowning. 

 

“What? The only thing you two have in common is your combined hatred of me.” He grumbled. 

 

“That’s- that is  _ not _ true,” Cynthia hissed, horrified. Larry turned his head around, trapping Connor in his steely eye line.

 

“We do not-”

 

“LARRY WATCH OUT!” Cynthia suddenly shrieked, hands leaping onto the steering wheel, swerving, but the swerve was too big, and suddenly Connor was being thrown against his window. He shot his eyes up, to look for something, and he was just in time to watch the car he had grown up in barall into the concrete lane divider. 

 

The one thing he knew, was, he was still conscious. He felt the impact, before his his hands went kind of numb. He heard the screech of brakes, before all sound seemed to cut off into dead silence. He saw the blare of red and blue lights, before blurry black spots seemed to collect over his vision. The next thing his senses picked up on, was a metallic, hot  _ something _ in his mouth. 

  
  


_ He woke up with lightning in his skin. His eyes opened, pupils instantly shrinking back at the sudden overload of brightness. His body felt as though it had run a marathon, but his mind hadn’t known about it. There was this blank bit in his memory that something should have been in, but he wasn’t sure what even should have been there. His stomach felt empty, and his skull pounded with this steady sort of thumping. There was no sound. It was all deadly silent. He quickly found himself enjoying the silence, but of course, all things that he seemed to enjoy could never last. A sharp, ringing pitch began to scream in the base of his mind. It sounded like the whistle that you heard when the tea kettle was boiling, but instead of maintaining the same volume, this was growing louder and louder. With each raise in noise level, more sounds were being picked up on. First, were the voices. People were talking, loudly, shouting maybe, and directing people around. Blurry dark shapes came into view, all racing around in a frenzy.Then, doors opening and closing, people stomping across the floor like he did when he was angry. Or, when he  _ had been  _ angry. He hadn’t felt very angry lately, he hadn’t felt much of anything. Just sort of tired, ready to be finished with all of….this. When sound came back in full force, it made him want to throw up. People stuck things at him, and paper seemed to brush against his skin. He wanted to sit up, but at the same time any sort of movement seemed to exhaust him. He could see his mother, a few feet away, hugging her sides and shaking with sobs, while Larry held her comfortingly. Connor couldn’t find Zoe. He was being asked questions, he tried to answer as best as he could, but only when they were finished, and visiting hours had ended, and he was Alone, was able to really breathe easy again. He almost wished his overdose- induced coma had gone on for longer.  _

 

The time he had attempted suicide, about a year or so ago, was the last time Connor Murphy had been in a hospital. He hadn’t been conscious for most of the time, before he was shipped off to some psychiatric place for a month. Then he was brought back home, depressed as ever and ready to go to Summer school to catch up so he could go to twelfth grade the coming year. Connor had hoped to never again see the inside of an ambulance, intensive care unit, nor wake up in a hospital bed. But things didn’t often go his way. 

 

He felt almost equally bad this time, sure he hadn’t just undergone his stomach being pumped, but his body felt weak and tired and  _ painful _ . He tilted his head to the left, scanning the space he was in. He noticed a button attached to the bed railing with the word “CALL” typed across it. Weakly, he lifted his left arm over to it, wincing at the pain the sudden movement caused. The button lit of bright yellow when he pressed it, and a moment later a nurse entered. He had dark skin and short curly black hair. He looked somewhere in his mid twenties, and the name tag on his scrubs read “Daniel”. 

 

“Good, you woke up just when we hoped you would!” He smiled, picking up a clipboard and a pen. He started writing. “I’m gonna take a look at your stats.” Connor shifted up a bit more, sucking in a breath as his side suddenly burned. 

 

“Hwha..” He mumbled, voice not quite working out. Speaking cracked his lips, which were dry and chapped, probably from dehydration. 

 

“Blood pressure good...heart good...how do you feel?”

 

He licked his lips, sitting up, hissing as his side seemed to be on fire. “Shit.” Caem the strained reply. Daniel chuckled.

 

“That’s expected, it was a pretty nasty wreck from what I heard. However, I need you to be a bit more specific.”

 

“My side is like…..bad.” He said. 

 

Daniel nodded, writing something down. “You have two broken ribs, and three are cracked.”

 

Connor swallowed, nodding. “Okay, my head hurts, too.”

 

“Makes sense, you’ve got a concussion.”

 

“Can I ask, uh, what happened? Like, I didn’t really know how it happened.”

 

“Witnesses said that the car swerved into one of those concrete walls that support highways. The impact was on the passenger seat, so you didn’t get too much impact.”

 

Passenger seat. “My-my mom. Is she-? She’s not….is she?”

 

Daniel, smiled. “She’s alright. Don’t worry, if there were fatalities you would not be talking to me right now. I’ve been told I’m “too cheery” for patients to listen to.” He frowned, shaking his head. “The rest of your family is alright, too. Your sister woke up about twenty minutes ago, and your dad has been conscious the whole time!” 

 

Breath. “Okay, cool.” Then, a new thought. “Is there, like, a phone I could use? I need to call someone.” 

 

Daniel thought a moment. “I could go grab mine from the staff room, if you really need it.” Connor nodded vigorously. 

 

“Alright, I’ll be right back.” Connor nodded, pressing a hand against his forehead. He felt clammy and sweaty, and reached behind his neck to sweep the thick hair off. He dropped it onto the pillow behind him, brushing it to the side. He lifted the thin blanket to see one of those awful hospital gowns. Touching his right side gently w9ith his fingers, he could feel rough bandages. Jesus, this was actually real. 

 

Daniel returned, revealing an android phone with a bright silver and yellow case. He tapped a few things on the screen, before handing it to Connor. “Try to go fast.” Connor nodded. He began to dial a number he had long since memorized. 

 

_ “Um, he-hello?” _

 

“Evan?”

 

_ “Connor? Is that- what’s going on?” _

 

“So, um, there was a slight issue on the drive back.”

 

_ “What are you talking about? What’s going on?” _

 

“We got in a..a car wreck?”

 

The line was dead silent.

 

Then,  _ “Oh my God.” _ The reply was impossibly quiet, and Connor felt something tightness in his chest, that definitely wasn’t his broken ribs. 

 

_ “Are you- is everyone okay? What happened?” _

 

“Um, yeah, we’re all...we’re alive. I dunno what’s going on for anyone else, but I’ve got a concussion and some broken ribs, apparently.” Evan sucked in a breath.

 

_ “Oh my God. I just...you’re okay, right?” _

 

“Yeah, I’m okay.” His voice was soft. “My phones dead, so when I find it and charge it, I’ll text you.”

 

_ “..Promise?” _ Damn, Evan was really not going easy on his heart today. 

 

“Yeah, I-I promise. I’ll talk to you soon.”

 

_ “Okay, bye.” _

 

“Bye.” He hung up, silent a moment before handing the phone to Daniel. He took it back, and smiled.

 

“Was that your boyfriend?” He asked with a wink, and Connor seemed to notice for the first time the thin pink, yellow, and blue lines tattooed onto his wrist. Regardless of this, Connor sighed, staring into the blanket numbly.

 

“No, we’re just….best friends.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this story is an episode of Riverdale, each episode increasingly confusing and dramatic, and with zero planning ahead.
> 
> So, anyway, I love Florence and the Machine, if you haven't heard her music, what are you doing with your life.
> 
> tumblr: overcast-skies
> 
>  
> 
> kudos, comments, don't you mean my Life Blood?


	23. A Little More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: the murphy family car trip comes to an explosive conclusion.  
> This Chapter: Things are pretty okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this is a few days off schedule. I had't finished it by Friday, and I still needed to edit.

Evan was  _ late, late, late,  _ LATE. He was kind of running, kind of walking, which resulted in a sort of half jog, but he was Late,  _ and now _ , now Connor would think he hates him! Or- something, but it would probably be negative, and Evan was _ very very late _ . He had decided to walk to Connor’s house, in the twenty degree weather, mostly because he wanted to see Connor by himself, but also because Jared would be the only one who could drive him, and Evan didn’t want to do that to Connor on his first day back from the hospital. He had been stuck there for a little over a week, because he wasn’t able to move around on his own, meaning he’d missed the first three days of school after Winter break. Of course, Evan had visited him at the hospital as often as he was allowed, because even though Connor wasn’t interested in him romantically, Evan was still determined to be a good friend. Plus, Connor didn’t really seem to mind his frequent visits. But, all those bestfriend points he had been earning would mean nothing if he didn’t get to the house before Connor did. 

 

He paused at a stop sign, panting. Connor was due back from the hospital at four, and Evan had been late getting out of school because he was getting Connor’s missed work (like a Good Friend) and he severely misjudged how long the walk to Connor’s house was. He guessed he was about ten minutes away, and it was three fifty eight. This was it: this was the end of his and Connor’s friendship. All of it, down the drain, forever. It was nice while it lasted. 

 

He began Kind Of Jogging again, backpack thumping against his back with every step, and  _ Damn, was it heavy _ . He was about three or four blocks away and time was ticking. You know, if he wasn’t so self conscious of how he ran, he’d probably be able to get there quicker. Or maybe, if he was in shape, or did any kind of sports at all. He slowed to a walk as he noticed a group of middle schoolers walking on the other side of the street. One of the girls yelled something, before hitting one of the boys on the arm and stealing his backpack, making a run for ti down the sidewalk. Someone else got a phone out and started recording. Evan wished he had that much energy. They disappeared down an alleyway, and Evan was back to Kind Of Jogging. Several terrifying and exhausting minutes later, he arrived at his destination. There were no cars outside, but they were down to only two at the moment, so that was expected. He went up to the front door, hesitantly knocking. A moment later, it opened, revealing Zoe. She had on pajamas and held a bowl of spaghetti in her hand. He had, or course, seen her a few times since the accident, but the dark purple and green bruises across the right side of her face still took him by surprise. 

 

“Hey,” she nodded in acknowledgement of his presence, and opened the door wider to let him in. 

 

“Are the-they back yet?” he asked, almost afraid of the answer. She shook her head, and he relaxed. 

 

“Dad said he was gonna visit Mom first before he checked Connor out, so you got time.” 

 

“Good,” he breathed. “I, uh, got his missed work from school.” She smiled. 

 

“That’s sweet. Hey, can I be super honest right now?” Zoe dropped onto the couch, feet sticking up into the air, as she stuck a spoonful of spaghetti into her mouth. 

 

“Um, yea-yeah, sure.” He sat down too. 

 

“I really don’t know why you guys are friends. Like, you don’t have anything in common, and he’s alway….so  _ angry _ . And you’re like….the opposite of that.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I dunno. You seem too nice for him, I keep expecting him to like, I dunno, have one of his freak outs and…..I dunno.”

 

“Well, um. I..I like him? He’s funny, and nice- to me, I guess. And we actually do have a lot in common.” He felt a dopey grin beginning to rise onto his face. “And we both like to watch stupid movies; he likes to guess the ending first, and usually I get mad at him for it. And we just talk about stuff, a lot.” He glanced at Zoe, and she was staring at him. 

 

“That, okay, that doesn’t even sound like him.”

 

“Oh, sorry?”

 

“No, no- it’s..it’s kind of nice?” She looked like she was trying to decide how to say something. “Can you- what else do you guys do together?” Evan blinked. 

 

“Wait, really?” She snapped out of whatever feeling she was in, and got up, backtracking. “No, you know what, nerermind, it’s not even a-”

 

“Wait-wait, I, hold on, it’s just, there’s a-”

 

“No, I just, I’ll just-”

 

“There’s just a lot! I’m trying to think of the best ones!” Zoe looked unconvinced. 

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah- yeah!” She sat down next to him, placing the spaghetti on the coffee table. “Um, so, sometimes we go out to restaurants and cafes and stuff. For awhile, um, in October and November, we did a thing where we had to try a different drink every time we went to-to this one place near my house, um, it’s called  _ Diane’s Coffee _ ? It’s locally owned, so, uh, me and my mom like to support it. One time,” he smiled at the memory. “Connor decided that we would have to order something for the other person, adn whatever it was they had to drink. So, I got him a really sugary drink with loads of whip cream, cause-cause he  _ hates _ that stuff.” Zoe giggled, smiling nervously. “And he-he had gotten me some cold, fruity drink, but he also bought a pastry or something, and crumbled it up  _ inside the drink _ . I-I still haven’t forgiven him for that.”

 

“That’s funny.” She wrung her hands in her lap. “Does he ever- do you guys ever talk about me?”

 

“About you?”

 

She nodded, crossing her legs on the couch. 

 

“Um, sometimes he talks about you, not very..” her face fell, and Evan backtracked. “I mean, he talks about you a lot, actually.”

 

“He does?” She brushed her hair behind her ear, eyes lighting up. 

 

Evan scanned his memory for anything Connor may have said about Zoe. “He said that...that he wishes he could see some of your jazz band concerts, be-because even though he calls it annoying, sometimes, he likes listening to you practice guitar.” He thought harder,  _ what else, what else, what else? _ “He also says that he hopes you get into that advanced music class at the community college for the Summer, because he said that’s all you talk about anymore.”

 

“He noticed that?”

 

Evan nodded. “Yeah! He also mentioned that two of the pins on his bag were from you, and that they were his favorite ones. Um, once, I think, he said that wished you two were closer, because he hates fighting with you. And, he wishes he could tell you that, but-but he doesn't know how. And-” he cut off, upon seeing the tears start slipping down Zoe’s cheeks. 

 

She sniffled, wiping at her cheeks, and smiling at him, hazel eyes shiny. “Thank you. Thank you, Evan Hansen,” she reached across the couch, wrapping her arms around him, hugging him tightly. It took a moment for Evan’s brain to correctly process that, because all he could think of was that massive crush he used to have on her, wishing, wishing she would like him back, but how, somehow,  _ this _ . Her hugging him, not because they were dating, but because maybe they were friends, was  _ so much better _ . He carefully rested his arms on her, hugging her back. The sound of the front door opening drew them apart, and Zoe quickly wiped the tears off her face, while Evan jumped up, whipping his head towards the door. 

 

Mr Murphy was shutting the door, and Connor was walking in, _ he had crutches _ \- okay, that was kind of Adorable. Evan’s mind was now only able to focus on the fact that Connor was hobbling around on crutches, and Evan was just Standing There. 

 

“Uh, hey.” he said, his voice sounding like it was far, far away. Connor met his gaze, smiling. 

 

“Hey, come to visit the cripple again?” Evan laughed.

 

“I just can’t stay away, I guess.” Mr Murphy entered the room, setting his hands on his hips. Zoe stood up, nervously cracking her knuckles.

 

“Hey, how’s Mom doing?” She asked. Mr Murphy smiled, but it was sort of sad, and tired. 

 

“She’s about the same, sweet pea. They still aren’t sure when she’ll be ready to come back, but she’s still alert. We should all go visit her tomorrow.” He seemed to notice Zoe’s pajamas then. “Zoe, did you not go to school again today?”

 

She sent a look at Connor, then at Evan, then back to Mr Murphy. “I-I didn’t want to go back until Connor could.” His eyebrows shot straight up, looking at Zoe, then at Evan, then at Mr Murphy. 

 

“Zoe, you didn’t, uh, you didn’t have to do that?” Zoe sent another look at Evan, who was too engrossed in the conversation as a bystander to help her out. 

 

“Well, I wanted to.” She decided, sitting on the lip of the couch, crossing her arms. 

 

Mr Murphy rubbed his temple. “I- alright, sure, I don’t even- do what you want. I’m taking a nap.” He looked to Evan. “Are you staying for dinner?” Evan blinked, caught off guard at being addressed. 

 

“Uh, I-I  _ can _ ? I guess, if you’ll have me.” He looked at Connor, who shrugged. Zoe didn’t move at all. Evan felt like he was stuck in some kind of bad improv scene, unsure of whether or not he should speak yet.

 

Mr Murphy smiled warmly, patting his shoulder as he passed Evan on the way to his bedroom. “Of course we’ll have you, Evan.” 

 

He left, and then Zoe looked at Connor, and Evan looked at Connor, and Connor looked unsure. 

 

“Evan, do you wanna go upstairs?

 

“ _ Can _ you go upstairs?” Evan asked, motioning towards his crutches. Connor shrugged. 

 

“Don’t know, haven’t tried yet.”

 

“I can help you.” Zoe blurted, seeming as though if the breeze blew wrong, she could go toppling over. 

 

“Um, you want to?”

 

“Sure,” she glanced at Evan again, who gives her a subtle thumbs up. They slowly migrate to the stairwell, Connor practically soaring ahead of them because at some point, he became an expert at munevering crutches. They stop at the base of the stairs, Connor hesitantly hands the crutches to Zoe, who begins clomping up the steps. One hand on the glossy wood railing, and another on Evan’s forearm, Connor begins the ascent. Miraculously, it doesn’t end with him tripping and tumbling to the floor, like Evan had seen in his mind's eye on a loop for the past few minutes. Zoe gives him back his crutches at the top of the stairs, disappears into the room, and Connor and Evan head to his room. The bed is sloppy, unmade, dresser drawers are open, clothing spilling onto the floor. Evan knows why; Mr Murphy asked him to help him gather some Connor Clothes for while he was in the hospital. Connor props the crutches up against a bookcase, and walks to the window, wincing slightly and touching his side, as if on reflex. The curtains are parted, not a lot, but enough to let in a decent amount of light. In a swift motion, he flings the curtain all the way away, a dramatic irony in his motions. It falls with a light  _ swoosh _ against the wall, and Connor turns back, locking eyes with Evan, and smirking in a way that suggested he did that just to make Evan laugh. Well, it worked. 

 

Still smiling, he sits on the bed, hands loosely fumbling with each other- a nervous tic that he does constantly now, for some reason. There’s a movement somewhere in his peripheral, and then a dip in the mattress. He hears an intake of breath, and once again, Connor has a hand at his side. 

 

Scrunching up his face, he chuckles, though there wasn’t anything funny behind it. “This, like, fucking  _ sucks _ , man.”

 

Evan doesn’t respond, but he pats Connor’s shoulder. “Also, while I was in the hospital, I watched, like, too much tv? So we should do something besides watch a movie this time, ‘cause pretty I’m burned out.” Evan nods, thinking. 

 

“I dunno, how was the hospital?”

 

“Shitty?” They both chuckled. “I dunno- there was a cool nurse, uh, Daniel. We hung out and he kept me from literally dying of boredom.” 

 

“Are you saying I wasn’t enough of a distraction?” Evan gasps, clutching at the place at the top of the chest he’s 98% sure the heart is located, though once he heard it was more in the middle of the chest than the left side. 

 

“Well, you weren’t there 24/7, dumbass.”

 

“Oh, I see. So you’ve replaced me with so-some cool nurse guy?”

 

“Precisely.”

 

“Where I come from, Connor, that’s called betrayal.”

 

“Oh my God,” Connor snorted, shaking his head. “You’re too dramatic.”

 

“ _ I’m _ too dramatic?! Do you even hear yourself half the time?”

 

“No, see, what I do is called ‘Apathetic Witty Comebacks’, you’re just straight up crying and gasping.”

 

“I-I do not cry.”

 

Connor shrugged, dropping onto his back, and once again wincing. “Why the fuck do I keep forgetting my ribs are broken. God, I’m so dumb,”

 

“You’re not dumb. When I broke my arm, I would forget it was actually broken sometimes and once I offered to help my mom carry a large chair.”

 

“Why did she have a large chair?”

 

“I...I actually don’t remember. Gre-great, that’s gonna bother me now. Oh my god, why did my mom have a chair? What were we doing with it?” Connor snorted, covering his face with his hands as his shoulders shook with laughter. Evan bloomed; he would give his right arm just to have Connor laugh, because, if that wasn’t just the  _ best _ feeling. 

 

“I’m so pissed now! Why did you have a chair?” Connor asked, a grin on his face. Evan thought the smile on his face might split him in half. 

 

“I’m..thinkin- oh! Oh, oh, oh! It was for the barbeque! The-the fourth of july, at Jared’s house, we-we had a chair, that we brought!” Connor smiled, but shook his head like something was funny. 

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, I just..nevermind. What did you do while I was MIA for a week?”

 

“Well, you-you know I spent most of it with you, be-being MIA, too.” He thought back a bit. “This weekend was Jared’s birthday, so we-we had the same dinner we had for mine on Friday, then on Saturday he threw a party for his actual birthday, and since I was-wasn’t invited, I just went to the hospital.” He shrugged. “It wasn’t all that eventful.”

 

Connor made a thumbs down. “Boo. You’re supposed to be the interesting friend.”

 

Evan legitemly scoffed on reflex. “I am  _ not _ the interesting friend, what-what world are you living in? You’re clea-clearly the interesting one, like, get-getting into car wrecks, bein’ all…..cool and stuff.”

 

“That didn’t even make sense.”

 

“You don’t even make sense,”

 

“I know,” he paused dramatically. “I’m difficult..to…..understand…” he flipped his part around so that half of his hair fell over his face, clearly making fun of fringes that the eight emo kids at their school sported. 

 

“Oh my god,” Evan laughed, covering his mouth. “And you call  _ me _ dramatic!”

 

“You  _ are _ dramatic,” Connor replied, fixing his hair and smiling at Evan. 

 

“I’m only dra-dramatic because you make me be, I’m normally very chill.” He kept a straight face for exactly 0.004 seconds before breaking and collapsing into laughter. “No-no one’s  _ ever _ ca-called me ‘chill’ what the-the hell am I  _ saying _ ?” At that exact moment, ear splittingly loud music began  _ blasting _ from the room next to them. Zoe’s room. They were still a moment, before Connor scowled, tried to get up, immediately flinched, and then sat down again. 

 

“Hey, Evan?”

 

“What?”

 

“ **Hey, Evan?!”**

 

**“What?!”**

 

**_“HEY EVAN??!?!”_ **

 

**_“WHAT IS IT?!”_ **

 

**_“CAN YOU BANG ON THE WALL AND TELL ZOE TO SHUT THE HELL UP?!?!”_ **

 

**_“TELL ZOE WHAT?!?!”_ **

 

**_“TO SHUT- NO, NEVERMIND. I’LL JUST DO IT.”_ **

 

**_“DO WHA- WAIT, YOU NEED YOUR CRUTCHES!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!?!”_ ** Connor was half walking half stumbling to the door. Evan followed, partly because he wasn’t sure if Connor could walk that far with his ribs, mostly because it was stressing him out that he didn’t know what was going on. They emerged in the hall about the same time Mr Murphy appeared at the top of the stairs. He looked surprised to see them. 

 

He pointed to Connor, then down the hall, then made the  _ I dunno _ motion. Connor shook his head, and pointed down the hall, shrugging. Then Mr Murphy seemed to notice Connor didn’t have his crutches. He, sighed, rubbing his temple. He ushered them back into Connor’s room, and proceeded to barge into Zoe’s. A minute later, the music was off, and it was replaced by yelling. Evan got up and shut the door. 

 

Connor sighed, dropping back onto his bed. Evan sat next to him, the sudden urge to lay down next to him and put his head on Connor’s chest flashed through his head, but was reprimanded by the fact that Connor’s ribs were broken and that would probably hurt. So, he just kept sitting, but now blushing and slightly stressed. 

 

“Are..you okay?” He asked after a moment. 

 

Silence. Then, “Like, mentally or physically?”

 

“Both.”

 

“Shit. I guess. Walking sucks and yelling sucks and I kinda want to just go die somewhere right now.”

 

“Oh,,” 

 

Connor dropped his hands onto his face, once again doing one of those uncomical laughs. “God, what were we even talking about? I can’t remember.”

 

“Um, I’m not sure, sorry.”

 

“It’s.. okay?”

 

Evan fidgeted, Connor said nothing, and Mr Murphy and Zoe were arguing about..something? Maybe that she had to turn off her music. 

 

Suddenly, as though his thoughts had triggered it, a loud buzzing fuzzed into the air. Then, an electrifyingly loud guitar riff. Evan heard Connor mumble, “Great, she plugged her electric guitar in.”

 

“Um, should I- should I just, like, go home? I should just-” he stood up. “Let you settle in, and-and it seems like a bad time? I’m just gonna head home.” He looked at Connor, who didn’t move.

 

“Alright,” he murmured. 

 

“Alright, so I’ll just, I’ll go, then. Okay, um, bye. Connor.” He backtracked out of the room, down the stairs, picking up his backpack and then walked out the door. He was home by 4:43 p.m. Then, he did homework, and just...sort of...did nothing. 

 

The rest of the month seemed to go by in a sort of slow, nothing-much-going-on sort of way. However, by the end of January, all the senior teachers were in full force Prepare Students For College mood. Applications had been sent out, and students were beginning to find out whether or not they’d be going to their dream school. For Evan, he wasn’t too worried; he’d just applied to a community college about an hour or two away, and he was pretty sure he’d getin. He was planning on trying to transfer after a year or two there. For Alana (she talked ot him a lot now, and not just I’m Trying Really Hard conversations, like, he actually enjoyed talking to her. A lot.), that meant constant stress and worry, which she took out on Evan. Which, wasn’t fun.

 

“Evan Hansen.” She announced, slamming her lunch tray down at the table, causing Evan to flinch. They had started eating in the library together, because A. Connor’s schedule changed and he and Evan had different lunch periods now and B. He and Alana both disliked the cafeteria, plus she reminded him to actually eat lunch most of the time. 

 

He glanced up. “Hey, Alana.” She nodded in response. 

 

“This Friday, I’m going to be having a student council meeting during lunch, and since I am the president, I must be there.” She blinked. 

 

“Okay,”

 

“So, I can’t sit with you on Friday.”

 

“Okay,”

 

“So, you’ll either need to sit by yourself, or-”

 

“Okay! I-I’ve got, Alana. Thank you.” he snapped, trying to smile a bit after realizing he may have sounded rude. 

 

“Oh, alright. Just making sure.” She sat down, picking up the plastic container filled with orange slices. She pulled the lid off, immediately made a face, but began eating them anyway. Evan had brought a single apple, for some reason, so he got that out of his backpack and started to eat it. 

 

“Oh, I’ve meant to ask, will you be going to the Valentine’s Day dance this Friday? You know, I’m on the planning committee for it.” She placed the empty orange container and next picked up a fluorescent looking grilled cheese sandwich. 

 

“I don’t really go to dances. Plu-plus don’t you need to have a date for a Valentines Day dance?”

 

She frowned. “Not necessarily, I’m going and I’m not in a relationship.”

 

“But aren’t you running the dance?”

 

“Yes, but...well, still. You can still go.”

 

“I dunno,” He picked at the apple peel. 

 

“Well,” She chewed on her sandwich thoughtfully for a moment. “We could go together, as friends. If you’d like. I won’t force you to go, though.”

 

“I-I’ll think about it, I guess.”

 

“Anyway, my acceptance letter should be due any day now,” Alana changed the subject. Having finished her sandwich, she began to stab the dry carrots with a plastic fork. “I’m practically crying with anticipation.” 

 

“Oh, I hope you get in.”

 

“Thank you.” Alana replied pleasantly. “Are you really not going to go to college?”

 

“Uh, oh, well. I mean, I’m going to college, just a community college. I just- I have to have time to save up money to go? We don’t have a whole lot, so I’m just- I’ll transfer when we have enough.”

 

She nodded, smiling. “Well, I hope you get to transfer to a good school one day.”

 

“Thanks, Alana.”

 

About ten minutes or so later, the bell was ringing, alerting the school that the the end of Lunch B was over, and it was time to haul ass to fifth period. Alana made sure to remind Evan that she couldn’t sit with him on Friday, but she’d be there every other day that week. 

 

And then, the week went by. And things were normal. 

 

And things were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like talking about myself so thats what I'm going to do  
> 1\. valentines sucked, kind of, because this guy who has a crush on me was just making a huge deal of it, and I'm a closeted (at school) lesbian, so that was a big ehhhh  
> 2\. the girl i like facetimed me for an hour and a half !!!!!!!  
> 3\. i had a mock trial competition for school and i got best attorney in one of the rounds (!!), but we didn't qualify for the finals  
> 4\. i feel like I'm getting sick, and i threw up last night, and my throat is killing me, so thats lovely
> 
>  
> 
> talk to me on the hell site @overcast-skies
> 
>  
> 
> leave comments and kudos!!! i love em!!!


	24. Ineffable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Things are pretty okay  
> This Chapter: Evan and Connor go for a walk, but its way Cooler and more Grown-up than the one they took in chapter five, because now they’re Cooler and more Grown-up, and also it’s at night, so it’s definitely better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -i finally get to use all that information that i spent an hour researching about the place they live way back in chapter five
> 
>  
> 
> -"Ineffable" too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words.

It was a surprise to literally No One, when Evan eventually texted Alana apologizing, saying that he wouldn’t be able to go the Valentines Dance that would be later that day. Instead, when the school bell rang, he went immediately home. Once home, he began the weekly ritual that was watching something on Netflix (he had just started a show called Everything Sucks! On Netflix, and boy, was it good), staring at the Pizza Hut website for four minutes before filling out an order and sending it in. The pizza arrived, he flashed a Way Too Bright smile, took his pizza, and hid in his room. Still coming down from the adrenaline rush that was interacting with someone, he opened up Instagram. There were several boring posts in a row, an add, then a Notification From Zoe Murphy. Evan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, but clicked it anyway. It was one of the picture things that had been completely ripped off from Snapchat, but Evan didn’t want to look like he wasn’t doing anything (he  _ wasn’t _ doing anything, but no one needed to know that, right?). After two minutes of anxious waiting, Evan decided it had been long enough, and clicked it open. It was a blurry, dark selfie of Zoe; midlaugh, and smiling. Two other girls were in the background, one with wild frizzy hair, and the other with straight, long, dark hair; but Evan didn’t know them. The words “AT THE VDANCE YOU HERE?” were typed in white, covering up the darkest part of the picture, making them show up stark and bright. Evan, took a weird picture of his ceiling, because he didn’t want to be in the picture, and typed “no, sorry. Looks like fun though!” and sent it, instantly turning the phone off and shoving a slice of pizza into his mouth. 

 

There was no fucking way he still liked Zoe, but then why did he suddenly feel nervous? Unsure of what else to do, he texted one the only person who could probably help.

 

To Vi

6:23 p.m/ hey, can you talk?

 

A moment later, she responded, and Evan smiled.

 

From Vi

6:24 p.m/ yeah!! Whats goin on dude?

 

To Vi

6:24 p.m/ so you remember that guy you thought i liked?

 

From Vi

6:24 p.m/ OMG YES DID YOU ASK HIM OUT

 

To Vi

6:24 p.m/ no. but his sister, who i used to have a crush on just sent me a selfie asking if i was at a dance and now i dont know if i still like her

 

From Vi

6:26 p.m/ sorry it took so long to answer, i had to read that like 40 times to make sure i wasnt hallucinating 

 

From Vi

6:26 p.m/ just to be clear- you do or dont like the boy?

 

To Vi

6:26 p.m/ idk i think i do? Which is why this is so conflicting

 

From Vi

6:26 p.m/ yeesh. well, MAYBE, bc nothing romancey is happening w ur boy, ur old feelings for his sister are coming back??? 

 

To Vi

6:26 p.m/ what should i do?

 

From Vi

6:27 p.m/ uhhhhhhh idk????? Maybe call Boy so you can reignite those feelings, so your Post Crush feelings for Sister will go away again

 

From Vi

6:27 p.m/ or, yknow, you could ASK ONE OF THEM OUT and actually get somewhere instead of just pining in a pool of pathetic self pity

 

From Vi

6:27 p.m/ wait dang did you SEE that alliteration??

 

To Vi

6:28 p.m/ the alliteration was great

 

From Vi

6:28 p.m/ thank you

 

To Vi

6:28 p.m/ but i dont think i like his sister, i really think i like him, so i dont know whats going on

 

From Vi

6:28 p.m/ idk what to tell you dude

 

To Vi

6:29 p.m/ thanks anyway

 

Evan drops his head against the back of the couch, exhaling slowly. He felt no better than before he’d texted his cousin, even worse, if possible. He didn’t like Zoe anymore, right? So, why was he suddenly thinking about this? And isn’t it kind of….scandalous to like his best friend and his best friend's sister at the same time? That seemed to be kind of scandalous. Though….wouldn’t it be  _ better _ to like Zoe, instead of Connor? Connor was his best friend, and who had made it clear he didn’t like Evan like that, so was there any point in furthering that crush. Plus, Zoe was always really nice to him, and he’d liked her for like three years before meeting Connor, so it was almost  _ comforting _ to be interested in her. 

 

Maybe. It was just a thought, after all. It probably didn’t mean anything, but suddenly, these crushes weren’t seeming so fun. 

  
  
  


Evan woke up at midnight with a terrifying thought.  _ What if _ Connor found out Evan might like Zoe again, through like, telepathy, or something, and just decided that he Hated Evan? At this time of 12:14 a.m, it seemed  _ more than _ reasonable, and Evan figured if he didn’t do something completely insane, he might lose his mind. So, he got out of bed, pulled on the jeans he had worn that day, as well as an oversized dark gray sweatshirt that was lying on the floor of his closet, tip-toed downstairs, and opened his front door. A quick glance at the driveway informed him that Heidi wasn’t home, so he went back inside and took some keys. He locked the front door behind him, and suddenly, Evan Hansen was walking down his street at midnight, in twenty degree weather. He had no destination in mind, only the repeating though that he just  _ needed _ to do something. The destination he ended up walking to, was Connor’s house, which, might mean something. He exhaled, loudly, watching his breath fog up in a sort of golden cloud, as the nearby streetlight cast bright shadows across everything. Evan shivered, wrapping his arms around his chest, the cold seemed to actually soak in for once, and Evan thought to himself,  _ okay, why did i actually do this? _ And Evan knows why, so he texts him. 

 

To Connor

12:52 a.m/ hey are you awake

 

Evan felt his mouth stretch into a smile at the immediate response. 

 

From Connor

12:52 a.m/ yeah why?

 

And, well, Evan was feeling bold, and also sort of chilly. 

 

To Con

12:52 a.m/ im outside (dont ask) so if you wanna hang out, get dressed bc its kind of cold out

 

From Con

12:52 a.m/ damn, okay. Give me like five minutes

 

Evan decided to go for a short lap around the neighborhood. He was smiling, a lot. 

 

When Evan arrived back in front of the house, it was perfectly timed with Connor appearing at the front door. He was also dressed, not super warm, in a sweatshirt that probably matched Evan’s in cold protection. But, he did have a hat, which, if he didn’t look so nice in it, Evan probably would have been jealous of, for the extra warmth. 

 

Connor jogged over to him, rubbing his hands together as he got used to the cold. He had been off crutches for a few weeks, and according to him, his ribs “weren’t even broken anymore, and, like, didn’t even hurt, that much”. 

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey,” Evan replied, smiling again. He was smiling quite a bit tonight. “That doesn’t look super warm.”

 

“I’ll be fine.” he smirked, falling into step with Evan as they started walking again. “What are we doing, exactly?”

 

“I dunno,” Evan shrugged. “I felt like getting out of the house.”

 

“At midnight?”

 

“Eh,” He was feeling Awake, and Alive, and Bold, and it was so different from how he usually felt, that Evan considered making getting up at midnight a regular thing. 

 

“So we’re just walking wherever?”

 

“Looks like we are.” They weren’t quiet for much longer, because Evan decided to talk some more. “Zoe texted me earlier today.”

 

“Did she?” Connor raised an eyebrow. But, like, only one of them. Evan could never do that with his eyebrows, and he was super jealous of people who could. 

 

“Okay, this is off topic, but how on earth do you do that with your eyebrows?”

 

Connor grinned, laughing. “I dunno, I just can, I guess.”

 

“Okay, but it’s kind of insane. Like, the muscle control you must need to just. Like, swivel it up?  _ Insane _ .” 

 

“You sound like you’re on weed,” Connor laughed, covering his mouth with his hand. 

 

“I’m not, actually.” Evan playfully knocked his right shoulder into Connor’s, who snorted. 

 

“Sure,” he knocked his shoulder back into Evan’s, and they just kept bumping each other, laughing so hard that air wasn’t really top priority. 

 

“Hey, you know what’s not super far away?” Evan said about a minute or so later, after they had both mostly calmed down. 

 

“What?” Connor asked, though Evan wasn’t sure if he was listening, because his eyes had just zeroed in on an acorn, and the taller boy was now kicking it a few feet in front of them, preparing to kick it again. 

 

“Lake Ontario.”

 

Connor stopped kicking the acorn. “Are you suggesting we walk to the lake?”

 

“Yeah, I thought that was clear.” Connor stared at him for a few moments, before shrugging. 

 

“Alright. I don’t know how to get there from here, though.”

 

“Me neither, that’s why Google Maps was created.” They stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, while Evan began figuring out how to get to Lake Ontario. “What street are we on?”

 

Connor peered at the sign, before saying, “Uh, List and Suburba Avenue?”

 

“Cool,” Evan muttered typing it into his phone. A map quickly came to life on the screen, and scrolling across the road, Evan quickly found a route. “Cool,” he repeated. “Alright, let’s go.”

 

“Which way?”

 

Evan double checked his route. “Uh, straight.”

 

Connor snorted. 

 

“What?”

 

“Gay joke. Cause, like, I’m not straight.”  _ oh, Oh, OH OH OH OH OH-  _ Alarms began blaring in Evan’s brain, because if Connor wasn’t straight, then he probably liked guys, and Evan was a guys, which meant Connor might like him back and-

 

“Anyway-”

 

“I’m bisexual!” Evan blurted, suddenly and loudly, and completely freezing in his tracks. He found himself completely still, staring and gaping and completely insane. 

 

Connor had apparently kept moving, because now he stopped, turning around. “Oh. That’s cool, thanks for telling me.” He was backlit against a street lamp, and Evan’s entire body began decomposing into much. 

 

“Yeah. I like- yeah. You are, uh, technically the second person I’ve told, so.” He sniffed, still reeling, but worked on moving forward. “So, straight up until Pinegrove, then right. It’s gonna be a long walk, but fun, I think.”

 

“It’ll be like the first time we hung out, at that orchard, except cooler and more edgy.”

 

“Right, cause its night and I didn’t literally just have a panic attack before hand.”

 

“Yeah, and we’re actually friends now.”

 

“Also, we’re older, and so that automatically means we’re less terrible.”

 

“Exactly,” Connor snickered, and Evan joined in. There was a lull, then Connor laughed again. “God, I was so cringy. Like, my entire life.”

 

“You couldn’t have been  _ that _ cringy, I only befriend the coolest of people.”

 

“Explains why your only other friends are Kleinman and Alana Beck.”

 

Evan gasped, smacking Connor in the arm. “Hey! Alana is  _ very _ cool! Jared, well..” he trailed off, which just about  _ killed _ Connor, as the younger teen immediately collapsed to the ground, cackling. 

 

“Oh my fucking God, watching you make fun of Kleinman is literally my new favorite thing in the world.” Evan smiled and could feel a sort of warmth rising inside his chest, like how your lungs fill with air when you breath. Evan was filling up with something, and he didn’t know what, but it was really nice. 

 

He took Connor’s now outstretched hand, and pulled him off the ground, feeling his heart pick up some. They walked more.

 

And more.

 

It was probably taking way longer than needed, because they were talking, so naturally that meant that they would be walking slower. 

 

At around 1:22, Heidi sent Evan a text. 

 

From Mom

1:22 a.m/ hi honey, im home, and youre not in your room. Where are you?

 

To Mom

1:25 a.m/ im hanging out with connor, sorry

 

From Mom

1:25 a.m/ oh, alright. Dont stay up too much later please?

 

To Mom

1:25 a.m/ alright. Love you

 

From Mom

1:25 a.m/ love you too, im going to head to bed now. Goodnight <3

 

“How much farther?” Connor asked. 

 

“Uh, far.” Evan answered. 

 

“Thanks.” He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans, and Evan stared directly ahead, decidedly not looking at Connor. 

 

“What are we gonna do when we get there?” Evan shrugged. 

 

“Not sure. Probably the same thing, I dunno.”

 

“Hm,” then, “Do you wanna run? I’m cold and wanna try and not be cold.” Evan chuckled, before nodding. 

 

“Sure, uh. Just keep going straight from here, there’s not another turn for awhile.” 

 

“Okay, race you, for like, as far as possible.”

 

Evan shut his phone off, holding it in his hand. They walked off the sidewalk onto the street, stopping so they were inline with each other. “Ready?”

 

“Ready...set...go!” They both took off in a sprint, neither very in shape, but Evan with the small advantage of being kind of used to long distance running, and Connor with the large advantage of being 75% leg. 

 

Evan started running low on fuel after several minutes, though they had made decent progress. They were now on the edge of a greenbelt, the dark forest looming to the right of them. He slowed to a stop, catching his breath. Craning his neck up, he stared directly above him, into the sky. The moon spotlighted down at him, highlighting everything a tinged silver glow. He felt less cold, but also more tired, and the thought of walking back home didn’t seem that great now.

 

“Evan?” But then, it was like dropping his gaze from the moon to the stars. Connor had stopped a good twenty feet in front of him, and right then and there, Evan was certain that he did not have a new crush on Zoe, and that not liking Connor, not dating Connor, that would be probably the worst thing. 

 

“Hey, Evan?”

 

“I like you,” he whispered, knowing well that Connor couldn’t hear him, and that it was too dark to see him, but in all honesty, it was more for him. Before this moment, yeah, he knew he liked Connor, but now. Now he really,  _ really Knew _ . 

 

“Are you okay?” Connor walked back in front of him, a look of worry on his face. 

 

“I’m..good. Just..catching my breath.” He answered. 

 

“We can walk, how much further?”

 

Shakily, Evan checked, his heart thumping so loudly in his chest that he thought it might explode out of his ribcage. 

 

“Far enough that walking doesn’t sound that great anymore,” he laughed. 

 

“Well, shit.” But Connor was smiling, so Evan smiled too. “I have money, let’s just call an Uber. Then we figure something out when we get there.”

 

“Seriously? You still want to go to the lake?”

 

Connor took Evan’s wrist, pulling him out of the road, onto the sidewalk. “Hell yeah. Maybe I’ll wake my sister up and she can drive us back at like four a.m.”

 

Evan braced himself against the brick mailbox. “Damn, it’s already two. How’d it get so late?”

 

“No idea,” Evan said, stealing a look at Connor. Every second that passed, Evan could physically  _ feel _ his infatuation growing. This couldn’t end well. 

 

A moment later, the phone was against Connor’s ear, and he was telling the driver their location. He caught Evan’s eye and smiled, so Evan smiled too. Lucky for him, his sweatshirt had a pocket, so he stuck his hands in, shaking slightly from the twenty degree weather, which was  _ a really stupid temperature to be out in, great thinking, Evan.  _

 

“He says his name is Roy, and he’s gonna be here in ten minutes,” Connor announced, putting his phone in his back pocket. “So, we’ve got time to kill.” He rubbed his palms together, and Evan noticed he was shivering slightly. An image of him taking Connor’s hands and putting them in his sweatshirt pocket flashed through Evan’s mind, which made him blush. He looked into the street. He was cold, he was kind of tired, and he felt like this was a stupid idea, but he got to hang out with Connor, so, sacrifices must be made. 

 

“So, you said you were bisexual?” Evan’s head snapped around to stare at Connor,and he must have had a funny expression, because Connor snickered. “Chill out, I’m just making conversation while we wait.”

 

“Oh, uh.” He laughed nervously, folding his arms across his chest. “Uh, yeah. I am.”

 

“Who all else knows?”

 

“Uh, my cousin? Violetta, remember her?”

 

“Yeah, that’s cool.” There was a pause. Then, “I guess technically you’re the only person who knows I’m gay. I mean, back in ninth grade I decided I didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore, but like, I didn’t feel like coming out or anything, so I just sort of though, ‘Okay, if anyone asks, I’ll tell them, but I won’t bring it up until then’. No one ever asked,” He laughed, but it sounded sort of sad. “So I never said anything.”

 

“Thanks for saying something to me,” Evan said softly. If only the warmth he felt in his face would go to the rest of his body (namely his arms and hands). The rest of the wait passed in silence, and then Roy was parked in front of them, and they both climbed into the backseat. Connor got in first, getting the left side directly behind Roy, and Evan last, shutting the door behind him. 

 

He was older looking, with a scruffy gray beard, tired looking eyes, waxy skin. He wore a dirty yellow hat, and had on fingerless black knitted gloves, as well as a yellow coat. He gave off very strong lighthouse-fisherman vibes, to Evan at least. 

 

“Where tuh?”

 

“Lake Ontario.” Connor answered, folding his hands up under his arms and exhaling. Evan had to admit, the car was by far warmer. 

 

Roy nodded, pulling onto the road. He did a small U-turn, and headed in the direction he and Connor had been walking. “What er you boys doin’ out so late?” He spoke with an almost country accent, which was weird, since they were in New York. He also slurred words together, which gave it a sort of gruff sounding,hint  too, like maybe he used to smoke a lot. All in all, the fisherman lighthouse man feeling he gave Evan was mildly terrifying. 

 

“Just going for a walk.” Connor said.    
  


“At two in thuh mornin’?”

 

Evan shrugged, and Connor gave him a quick glance. “My friend likes walks.”

 

“Lakes too, ‘pareantly.” Roy huffed. 

 

A minute later, Evan leaned over, and whispered to Connor, “Am I the only one who thinks he looks like a fisherman?”

 

Connor snorted, covering his mouth. Leaning against Evan, he whispered back, “Like a-like a salmon fisherman? Or what?”

 

Evan shook his head, giggling as quietly as possible. “No, like a- he lives in a lighthouse. In like, Washington or something. Maybe Alaska.” 

 

“I hate that I can totally see that.”

In no more than ten minutes, they had arrived at the coast, and were walking down to the beach itself. 

 

“How much money did you actually bring?” Evan found himself asking, as he pushed a small tree branch out of the way. There was a thin strip of plant life between the road and the beach (though, it was so tiny it was hard to call it a beach), yet it did very little to block the strong, almost icy wind from pelleting Evan’s face. 

 

“Not enough to get us a full ride back to either of our houses.”

 

“Anywhere close enough that we could walk?”

 

“Maybe, it’s only five dollars, though, so probably not.”

 

Evan sucked in a breath. “We’re really stupid.”

 

Connor laughed, lightly punching his shoulder. “You mean  _ you’re _ really stupid. You’re the one who said we should walk all the way here.”

 

“Tha-that may be true,” he argued. “But I gave you plenty of chances to back out.”

 

“Yeah, but my  _ pride _ .” Connor said. 

 

“You sti-still didn’t though.”

 

“Hey, are you cold?” Evan pulled the hem of his sleeves down around his hands, wincing at the torrent of wind that smacked into his face as he emerged from the small section of woods. 

 

“Um, yeah, bu-but I think that’s expected.” 

 

“Okay, just checking. You started stuttering again, so I was just making sure you weren’t gonna, like,” he gestured vaguely. “Die of hypothermia. Or something.”

 

“I’m okay.” Evan squinted at the water. It was dark, loud waves crashing against the shoreline, sharp wind which definitely carried some rain-like mist in it gradually was dampening his clothes, which would make the walk back probably terrible. 

 

“We should probably keep walking, so that, y’know, we don’t end up freezing.”

 

“Okay,” And, here it was. This was the part where Evan had completely lost his adrenaline rush, and was left with tired sort of empty hole it would leave in its place. The things he was saying didn’t feel that important anymore, and Evan realized he was probably just tired, they should probably just go home. But he didn’t voice any of these thoughts, because Connor wasn’t mentioning it.

 

“Truth or dare?” Evan glanced at Connor, not expecting the sudden subject change. 

 

“Um, truth.”

 

“Okay, what’s your least favorite color?” Connor kicked at a small pebble on the dark, sandy dirt. 

 

“Oh, uh,” he paused. A bgan to steadily memory creep forward in his mind, of the moving boxes being loaded into a U-Haul truck, his mother just sitting on their old, brown leather couch. Evan was playing with his trucks in the front yard. It had been drizzling all morning, and Evan remembered his father carrying a box into the truck, then slipping. Evan had been so scared-  _ was his dad okay???? _ Of course, he was fine, just scraped his palm on the cement road, he was irritated with Evan for freaking out so much- he had nearly started crying- and Evan remembered how his mom hadn’t even checked to see what happened. But Evan remembered seeing the mud from the dirty road blending into the hints of blood on his father's hand. An hour later his dad had left, but Evan still remembered the red/brown, dirty, bloody mixture.

 

“Neon orange.” he said, instead. “It’s ugly.” And easier to explain. 

 

“Hm. Your turn.”

 

“Okay, truth or dare?”  

 

A devilish smile appeared on Connor’s lips. “Dare.” Evan thought again. 

 

“I dare you to….oh! Got one. Okay, stand in the lake for a solid five minutes.”

 

“Are you serious?” Connor asked, incredulous. Evan laughed.

 

“I’ll time you. It’s gotta be the whole five minutes though, otherwise you forfeit and I get to ask another question.”

 

“Damn, you’re not messing around.” 

 

“Truth or dare is serious business.” Connor pushed him away, glaring, though there was no real anger behind it. He unlaced his boots, tugging off the white socks and leaving them in a pile by Evan’s feet, carefully rolling up his pants as much as they would go, whilst Evan pulled up a five minute timer. 

 

“I won’t start it ‘til you’re ankle deep.”

 

“You’re a monster,” Connor muttered, but hesitant began creeping towards the water. He let a small wave touch his feet, before yelping.

 

“Fucking shitting hell fuck!” He explained, instantly jumping back. “That shit is  _ freezing _ .” He gave Evan and icy look, who was just laughing. “Start the timer, I’m going.”

 

Clicking the “start” option, Connor began walking in, face twisted in discomfort. 

 

“This is my hell,” he yelled to Evan. 

 

“Glad that I’m apart of it!” he called back, snickering as a new wave slapped aup to Connor’s knees. 

 

The five minutes went by fast enough for Evan, as he was pretty much just laughing the whole time. As soon as he informed Connor that it was at zero, the other boy had already run from the water, shivering, repeating a mantra of “ _ i hate you i hate you i hate you _ ” under his breath. Evan handed him his shoes, but Connor shook his head, saying he wanted his feet to dry some first.

 

“You’ll probably get frostbite.” Evan piped up.

 

“Oh, wonderful.” He snapped. “I can’t believe I let you make me do that.”

 

“I can’t either,” He chuckled, turning it into laughter after Connor smacked his shoulder again.

 

“Okay, my turn. Truth or dare.” 

 

Without thinking, Evan replied “Dare.” however, in seconds he realized his mistake. “Wait, wait wait , no! No, I take it back!”

 

“Too late,” Connor smirked cruelly. “Shoes.” He commanded, extending his hand. 

 

“You’re terrible,” Evan said. “Like, the worst.” He tugged the tennis shoes and socks off, handing them and his phone to Connor. “I hate you the most out of everyone.”

 

“In you go,” Connor cackled. 

 

“You’re evil and also the worst.” evan told him, shooting one last pathetic look behind him, before allowing himself to step into the water and…..Wow.

 

Connor wasn’t exaggerating. Like, at all. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, hard, and stood still, exhaling heavily when the wave retreated. 

 

“All the way in!” Connor said from somewhere behind him. 

 

“Five minutes?” Evan clarified, though he didn’t want to hear the answer.

 

“Seven. Because I need my petty revenge.”

 

“I  _ hate  _ y- Ah!” he yelped again, the water flooding around his feet once more. Shooting daggers at Connor through the narrowed slits of his eyes, he took another step, then another. This was the worst, this was the worst, this was the  _ worst _ .

 

“Have you started the timer?”

 

“Oh, right!  _ Sorry _ ,” he smirked, and Evan clenched his fists. He was now about a foot deep, the water had soaked the bottoms of his jeans, and his feet were numb. The feeling of the icy wind  _ now _ was nothing compared to the first breath of it he’d had stepping out of the Uber. His eyes felt watery, though that may have been from the sharp wind slicing his skin open like swords. 

 

Several agonizing minutes crept by, and eventually Connor had put his socks and shoes back on. 

 

“How mu-much time i-i-is left?” Evan asked, voice shaking. 

 

“Two minutes fifteen seconds.” Was the answer, and Evan took a shuddering breath. He was an idiot, and a jerk, and this was  _ horrible _ . However, he didn’t have to worry about mentally preparing himself for the rest of the time, because Connor seemed to have gotten his revenge and was no longer immune to the pitiful display Evan was putting on.

 

“No, whatever, you’re done.” Heaving a sigh of relief, he dashed forward, relishing the feeling of absence of water around his feet. 

 

“I can’t fe-feel my toes.” he announced, looking at Connor. 

 

“Were you really gonna go the whole seven minutes?”

 

“Yeah, but it’s no-not like I’m not glad I don’t t-t-to.” He rubbed his arms up and down. “Hey, what time is it?”

 

The bright light of Connor’s phone screen lit up, and Connor winced, despite having just had it on for the timer. “Almost three.”

 

“Do you wanna Uber ba-back as close as possible and walk the rest of the way?”

 

Connor nodded. “Sure, but first, what’s that?”

 

Evan turned towards the lake, peering in the direction that Connor had looked. There was nothing there, except the water, and he was about to say this, when suddenly he felt a strong weight push him from behind and he was falling with a thud in the waves. Water pooled around him and for a second he just sat in shock, before the cold caught up with him. 

 

“What the FUCK!” he screeched, launching up where Connor was calling, before grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him down as well. He never actually let go of Connor though, because combined with his still frozen feet, and the shock, and the slip of the water, he fell back down again.

 

“What the Fuck,” he repeated. Connor was laughing almost hysterically, and Evan wasn’t even sure if his friend had yet registered that he was now also in the water. He did however, when Evan splashed a wave at him. And then that murderous glint from earlier when the water dare first came up was back, and before he knew what was happening, freezing water had drenched him and was dripping from his soaked hair into his eyes. Evan glared at him through behind his now dropping hair (it was messy to begin with, but he hadn’t cut it in awhile and it was really starting to grow out on top), which only seemed to make Connor laugh harder, until Evan decided to launch himself at the other boy, and send them both toppling back into the water. Connor had stopped laughing now, and rolled to get Evan off of him, which had seemed to push them both farther from the shore. Evan gasped he pulled his face out of the water it had currentally been parallel to. He sent another splash towards Connor, before carefully sitting up. He was completely soaked now, and the only good part of that was that Connor was too. 

 

Connor splashed him back.

 

“Okay, stop, I’m gonna die.” he stood up, holding a hand out to Connor, and pulled him up. He didn’t let go of his hand as they walked back to the beach, though. Evan shook his head violently, sending droplets shooting everywhere. 

 

“Oh, two can play at this game.” before Evan could ask “what game?” Connor had shook his hair as well, which was, definitely unfair. 

 

“Judas,” Evan hissed irritable, wiping the fresh layer of water from his face.

 

“Aw, that’s not very nice.” he chuckled, bumping his shoulder against Evan’s, and against his better judgement, Evan smiled back. They picked up their things from the beach, and Evan was painfully aware of the exact moment Connor released his hand, and they began picking their way through the stretch of trees. 

 

Stopping at the edge of the road, Connor began calling an Uber. Evan sat down, curling his knees up to his chest. He was cold. 

 

“You’ll never fucking guess,” Connor sat down next to him. “It’s gonna be the fisherman guy again.”

 

“Oh my,” Evan said, “What’ll he say when sees us?”

 

Connor squinted through an eye, giving himself a very bad impression of the driver, “Why’re y’all chil’ren out in tha naught? Dontcha h’ve sumplace tuh beh?” Evan covered his face, shoulders shaking with laughter. 

 

“Shu-shut up, that doesn’t even sound like him.”

 

“What’re yur sayin’? Eet sounds jus’ like ‘em.”

 

“Connor, oh my god.”

 

“My accents ‘er jus’ tuh good fer yeh, huh?”

 

“No! They’re horrible.”

 

“Awe, ‘nd I was thankin ‘bout becomin’ a purfesh’nal accenter.”

 

“That’s the worst one yet.”

 

Dropping the accent, Connor grinned at him. “They were amazing, come on.”

 

“Nope, I hated that so much.”

 

“You just don’t appreciate good quality talent.”

 

“That is  _ not _ -” he was interrupted by the Uber pulling up in front of them. 

 

“Great, now I won’t be able to look him in the eye without laughing.” Evan groaned. Connor hopped up, grinning, and ruffled his sodden hair. Evan felt his face heat up a little, and he got up, quietly sliding into the seat next to Connor. Shutting the door, Evan turned to see Connor lean forward to talk to Roy. 

 

“Hey Roy, so I was wondering, about how far could you drive us with five dollars?”

 

Roy sniffed, his expression tired and very over it, socially. “uh ‘bout five blocks, uh think.” he sniffed again. “Is that all ya got?” Connor nodded, shooting a glance at Evan, who was covering his mouth and very discreetly trying not to laugh. 

 

“Where er yull headed?” Roy asked, tapping his fingerless gloved fingertips on the steering wheel. 

 

“Hey Evan, which of our houses is closer?”

 

“Mine, I think.”

 

“Okay, so-”

 

“Wait, but my mom thinks I’m at your house!” He remembered, mentally slapping himself. 

 

“Damn, okay. So, uh, then,” he typed out something on the google maps on his phone. “Can you take us here?” He showed the screen tp Roy, who sniffed. 

 

“Sure can, boy.” Evan made a very audible choking noise, which he quickly stifled. “You ar’ight there?” Roy asked.

 

“Uh, yes. Thanks, Roy.” Connor hit his shoulder again, and Evan glared at him. 

 

As Roy began driving, and Evan worked on controlling his simmering laughter. Connor was suddenly leaning right up against Evan, who became hyper aware of his chin resting on Evan’s shoulder. He then whispered directly into Evan’s ear, “Yuh er ight there boyuh?” And well, that was just way too much. Evan made started laughing but in an attempt to disguise the laughter he started coughing, he began to choke on said cough and then coughing was for real. Connor looked mildly traumatized. No longer choking, Evan eased back against the seat, dropping his head against he back, exhaling deeply for several moments. 

 

The drive was too short. Roy was soon kicking them out, Connor handing over the only money he had on him, and they were quickly standing on the side of the road, in the middle of the night.

 

Connor was the first to talk, and it was in the stupid fucking voice. “Wale, looks like ‘ere walkin’ from hare.” Evan glared at him, venomously, and Connor snickered. And once again, they were walking.

 

It wasn’t wrong to say that walk back to Connor’s house seemed to go by faster. For one, they knew exactly where they were going, two, both of them wanted to be warm very much, and three, Evan was fueled to keep going with the thought that the sooner he could sleep, the sooner he wouldn’t have to listen to Connor’s awful impression of Roy. And honestly, that was really working. 

 

Because of this, it didn’t feel like such a painfully long walk, and before Evan knew it, Connor was digging out his house key and they were shuffling up to the front porch. Stepping inside, Evan glanced around. The only lightsource came from the porch light and the moon above, which it’s silver rays crawled through the half curtained windows of the living room and kitchen. 

 

“Zoe’s at a friends house and my parents room is way over there,” he gestured towards the opposite side of the house as they made their ascent upstairs. “So don’t be paranoid about waking anyone up.” 

 

“Alright,” The stepped into Connor’s room, who shut the door behind them. Crossing to the dresser, Connor dug through and tossed a few things to Evan. “Here, you can change out of the wet clothes in the bathroom.”

 

“Thanks,” he mumbled, slipping through the door and clicking the lock behind him. Dragging the damp, cold clothes off, he sort of draped them over the rail of the shower curtain, unsure of what else to do with them. He dressed as quickly as possible, before pausing in front of the mirror to regard his reflection. His hair was, decidedly, a disaster. Sticking up around the ear, flattened on the back, and scruffy and pointing every which way from him pushing it off his forehead, where it had previously plastered itself to. Sighing, he picked up a purple comb off the counter, adn did his best to rearrange it into a more attractive shape. Didn’t really work, but he was tired, so whatever. Stealing a small amount of mouthwash, he gurgled it around before spitting, wiping his mouth, and reemerging into Connor’s room. The latter had alreqady changed clothes, now wearing a faded red long sleeve shirt and flannel pants. He was plugging his phone into a wall outlet. 

 

He glanced up at Evan, a fleeting expression crossed his face that Evan was unsure the meaning of, before clearing his throat and standing up.

 

“Hey,”

 

“Hey,” Evan said hesitantly. Something felt off, and kept lingering near the bathroom door. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.” He looked like there was something he wanted to say. He groaned dramatically, “I don’t feel like digging out the air matress, it’s so much work.”

 

Evan nodded in agreement. “Do you wanna watch something on Netflix?”

 

Connor looked skeptical. “At four a.m?”

 

“Sure,” He shrugged.

 

“Okay, why not.” Evan crossed over, dropping onto Connor’s bed, and propping up a pillow behind his back. Connor picked his laptop up off his desk, and began clicking around on it.

 

“You know,” Evan began, “You have way more colorful clothes than I had originally thought.” Gesturing to Connor and then the blue shirt he’d been given. “Who would have thought you had such a thing for primary colors.”

 

Connor made a face, sticking his tongue out at Evan. “ _ Ha ha _ .” he snapped sarcastically. He settled in the spot next to Evan, propping the laptop against his legs. 

 

“Speaking of primary colors,” Evan said slowly, reaching his hand to the screen and pointing at a movie titled “ _ Heathers _ ”. “This look good?”

 

“Have you seen it?”

 

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “It’s like  _ Mean Girls _ but with murder.”

 

“Cool lets do it.”

 

Evan really liked that movie, so it was certainly disappointing that he fell asleep in the first twenty minutes of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -yeah so. there. 
> 
> -sorry this is a week late, hopefully the crazy length of it will be enough to forgive me :,(
> 
> -this chapter alone takes up 18 pages in my Google Doc
> 
> -comment your favorite part of this chapter, or just your general thoughts on it
> 
> -chat me up on tumblr @overcast-skies i love talking to people (even if I'm kinda bad at it)


	25. Seeing me spending every night with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: Evan and Connor go for a walk, but its way Cooler and more Grown-up than the one they took in chapter five, because now they’re Cooler and more Grown-up, and also it’s at night, so it’s definitely better.  
> This Chapter: wakey wakey eggs and happy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow uh....long time no see huh hahaha..ha..

Friday night came and went, like a car on the highway. A blur of lights and speed, and then gone, just like that. Never to cross paths again. The odds of a night like last happening again seemed terribly low to Evan, no matter how much he might want it to. 

 

Evan’s first real, non-sleep induced thought after registering that he was indeed awake, was that remembering that he never took his anxiety meds last night. How could he have forgotten something so important? He could hardly function when he was on them, but not taking them, Evan was the poster child for a nervous breakdown. Sitting up immediately, Evan took in an entire setting in less than a second. 

 

Connor Murphy’s room. 

He was in Connor Murphy’s bed. 

It was morning, or at least early. 

He  _ liked _ Connor Murphy. 

 

He wasn’t sure why that thought in particular was sticking out to him so much. It wasn’t like this was a new thing, per say. He could remember how intense it had felt like the night before, like it was something so big and expanding that he couldn’t contain it in himself. It was like, a bunch of little, tiny details that were leading up to one big, explosive moment. Sure, he’d already started coming to terms with liking Connor, but it had just felt  _ so goddamn big.  _

 

It didn’t feel quite as big now. Much more manageable in the morning. 

 

Connor was still asleep, or at least it looked like he was. His hair was down and in a massive cloud around his head, fanning out in messy waves. His arms were bent under his head, and he was facing the room, away from Evan. Evan looked away, scooting back a bit to lean more against the headboard behind him. 

 

Really, it made since that he would like Connor. Someone who unselfishly spent time with him, who he could joke around with easily, who made him forget about the majority of his anxiety, and when he couldn’t forget it all, would still be there to help. Someone like Connor  wasn’t easy to get close to, but Evan knew first hand just how worth it it was. 

 

He couldn’t very easily get out of the bed, what with Connor completely blocking him off, and he wasn’t sure where his phone was.  Evan felt a little stuck, all of a sudden. 

 

Whatever, even with the power of his new realization, Connor was still his best friend. Evan dropped back down so that he was once again lying flat on his back, and turned his head to look at Connor. Or, Connor’s back, more realistically. He grabbed a strand of hair and yanked gently. 

 

“Connor.  _ Connor _ .”

“Snnnfghhuuhh.”

“Connor, are you awake?”

“Fffffwwwwuuuuhhh.” There was movement now. Connor shifted, dropping his face straight into the pillow. 

“You’re gonna suffocate. Are you awake?”

“What?” Came the incredibly muffled response. At least it was an actual word this time. 

“Are you awake?”

“Shut up. ‘M sleeping…” 

“It’s morning.” He nudged Connor’s shoulder. “You have to wake up.”

“Nnnnnn….” Connor flopped around again, and this time it was facing Evan. His mane of hair puffed out hugely behind him.

“Wake up.” Connor’s eyes opened blearily, and fixated on Evan.

“What.”

“It’s morning, Connor.”

“I’m….really fucking tired, Evan.”

“Yeah, me too.” Connor laughs a little bit. 

“I’m really tired. I don’t think I’ve ever walked that much in my life.”

“Yeah, it all kind of feels like a dream.” Evan murmured, thinking back to the moments when everything had seemed particularly unreal. AKA, the entire night. 

 

Connor hummed in response, his eyes shutting again. Evan groaned, throwing the blankets off of himself. Trying to avoid Connor’s limbs, Evan crawled off the bed, exhaling a breath of relief when he could land his feet on the floor. He went into the bathroom, and splashed a bit of water on his face, then used the remaining water on his hands to flatten his hair. He uses the bathroom, washes his hands again, and then uses more of the same mouthwash from last night. 

 

When he reenters Connor’s room, Connor seems to have accepted day time. He’s flat on his back, swiping his thumb across the screen of his phone. 

 

“Hey,” Evan says, grabbing his phone off the nightstand, and then dropping onto the foot of the bed. He scoots back until he’s leaning against the wall, and then turns on his phone. It’s 10:43 AM. Yikes. 

 

“Hey.” Connor says. “So. That was, like, a crazy spontaneous adventure.”

“What, last night?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, it was.” Evan laughs, rubbing the back of his neck self consciously. “I don’t really know what I was thinking.”

“It was fun, though. Freezing as hell, but fun.”

“Yeah! We should do it again!” Connor looks up at him and narrows his brow.

“Are you joking?”

“Yes.” 

“Okay, good. Fun, but I don’t really fancy getting hypothermia and dying any time soon.”

 

They went quiet again. 

About an hour later, Evan went home and made himself lunch. It was a sandwich. 

He did homework for another hour. 

He watched a movie. 

He and Connor facetime for awhile until Connor has to go have dinner.

 

It’s only when Evan is trying to fall asleep that night, does he remember.

 

_ I don’t really fancy getting hypothermia and dying any time soon. _

 

The Connor that Evan met in September would not have said that. Neither would the Evan that Connor met in September. But, Evan realizes, that This Evan, This February Evan, means it. 

 

He doesn’t want to die anytime soon. 

 

And he doesn’t know when that changed, but he’s really glad that it did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all. i feel like you deserve an explanation bc this story really has gotten so much love, and i genuinely feel bad. long story short: i was losing interest in the fandom. I still love the show, and the cast, but parts of the fandom were wearing down on me. i needed a break i guess. and i took a break. i don't want this story to take much longer, and i want to give it an ending that it- and you all- deserve. so I'm going to do that. 
> 
> just bc i starts getting tired of this story doesn't mean ill never write deh again, tho. I'm actually in the process of working on something I'm super excited for. i don't know when it will be done, but just putting it in the air. 
> 
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed. this isn't very long, mostly cause i needed to ease myself into writing it again.   
> \- for those of you who are sticking this out with me, you deserve the world <3


	26. And Everything's Coming Up Aces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter: wakey wakey eggs and happy!  
> This Chapter: soft parent/child bonding. i love heidi. 
> 
>  
> 
> also today is my moms birthday so that was fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is real short and sweet, but i wanted to throw something together for y'all. i went through at least four different ideas for what to do for this chapter, and then decided this was as good as it would get. i love you

“Got any eights?” Evan checked the cards in his hand.

“Go fish.”

 

Heidi groaned dramatically, and swiped a card from the stack in between them on the coffee table. Tonight was one of her first nights off in weeks, and they had decided to spend that Saturday evening rewatching the  _ Harry Potter _ movies on  _ ABC _ , whilst playing various card and board games. 

 

The volume was muted at the moment, while a cereal commercial played. They were going on speed round of Go FIsh before the commercial break ended and mother and son were both inevitably sucked back into the drama of  _ The Chamber of Secrets _ . 

 

“Any three’s?” Evan asked, after a moment of surveying his cards. He had no threes, but this was all a part of his big bluff. 

“Nope.” Heidi answered, raising her eyebrows innocently. “Go fish.”

 

Evan rolled his eyes, but a smile still played at his lips. God, he missed spending time with his mom that wasn’t just twenty minutes in between one of their next “Things”.

 

He pulled a three from the stack, coincidentally. Pursing his lips, Evan tried to poker face his way through sticking it in between the two and the group of three fives in his deck. 

 

“Seven?”  _ Shit,  _ Evan’s brain hissed, and he frowned while he pulled his three seven’s from his hand. 

“Here. Whatever.” 

“YES!” Heidi cried, laughing. She took the three from him and plucked out one of her cards as well. The set of four joined the six other group matches she had made, in perfect neatness on the coffee table. Evan’s two were glowering right alongside with him. “I win!”

 

“You cheated.” Evan tells her, glaring in mock-irritation. 

“Aw, is the poor baby feeling like a sore loser?”

“Yes.” Evan pouts, flinging his cards across the room and folding his arms over his chest.

“Wow.” Heidi says. “I hope you’re planning on picking those up?”

“I am, I am.” He slinks out of his seat on the couch, and crawls towards the discarded cards. 

 

The volume abruptly rises, mid sentence as Hermione talks to Harry. After a few minutes, Evan sees his mother’s feet pass by him, her long pajama pants dragging on the ground,a dn he tilts his head up to look at her. 

 

“Hey, I’m gonna make a third batch of popcorn, you want some right?”

“Definitely.”

She laughs. “Alright.” The action is finished with a playful ruffling of his hair. Evan jerks away from it in mock disgust, shuffling off his knees with his cards in his hands. 

“Gross, Mom.”

“What? You’ve given up on affection?”

“Yep.”

 

She gets a sudden look on her face. A sort of sneaky looking smirk.

 

“What?” Evan says. “What’s that face? Mom?”

“Oh, nothing.” She’s still smirking. 

“Mom…?”

“Okay, fine. I was just thinking that  _ someone _ we know may be a little disappointed with you No Affection Rule.”

Already blushing, Evan says, “What are you talking ab-about, Mom?”

“You know what I’m talking about, sweetie.” She kisses his forehead. “You know. And you also know that I love you no matter what, right?”

“Uhhh…”

“Evan. You like him, right? I haven’t been reading this all wrong, right?”

“Umm…”

“I like to think I know you pretty well. Just give me a confirmation.”

“Um.” Evan blushes even more. He can’t believe that they’re actually having this conversation.  

 

“Alright, I’ll lay off.” Heidi says, laughing as Evan literally sighs in relief. “Butter or no butter?” She asks, strolling towards the pantry. 

“Butter,” Evan answers, hesitantly. He swallows. He’s okay. He says:

“And I think I’ve known, um, like for sure, that I liked him since, um, since February. Ish.” 

 

A pause. Then,

 

“Really? So that’s..uh, two months? Wow, Evan.”

“Yeah.”

“Does he know?”

“What?” His head shoots up, then back down. “No, no, of course not.”

“Do you want to tell him?”

 

Evan drops his elbows on the kitchen counter, resting his chin on his palms. 

 

“I mean..I  _ want _ to...in theory. I just don’t want my being rejected to, like, ruin our friendship.”

“Are you sure you’ll be rejected?” Heidi asked kindly. Evan rolled his eyes, shoulders slumping.

“Is that even a question? Of course I will. I mean, yeah he’s gay, but that doesn’t mean he likes me.”

“Are-are you, uh, gay too?”

“I think I’m bi.” He says softly.

“Okay.” Her voice is equally soft. Gentle, soothing. 

 

He’s looking at the floor, but he can practically  _ feel  _ how wide his mom is smiling. 

 

And Evan is smiling pretty wide too. 


End file.
